When you leave, do the kids get better?

[parrotonmyshoulder]

Do they? If you leave because your relationship is miserable and you don’t want them living it any more, because you don’t want them to have that model of relationships, because you don’t want them having a miserable mother forever, do they recover or is the damage already done. Are you just stopping it getting worse, but adding a new layer of separation from Dad (who they won’t realise is awful as mum has been covering for him for a decade), probably moving them from their home, maybe even their school.
Am I being selfish thinking of me? This is still what is stopping me.

My circumstances were similar, and I still don’t know the answer. What I do know is that now several years down the track they are fine, they have parents in two separate happy marriages rather than one unhappy marriage, and they are old enough to have worked out their father’s flaws for themselves (mine too probably).

Thanks for your reply. I’m glad you are happy now. How old were they?

I grew up in a house where they had legally separated but they continued to live together. Financial control. Alcoholism. Abuse.
It literally ruined all of my adult relationships. I grew up thinking it was normal to hate your spouse, think it was ok to accept abuse and set the bar low in terms of what to expect and respect yourself.
I literally repeated the cycle on my own kids.

That's just one story but I would say the separation would help them recover.

But how old is too late? Thank you for sharing you story. I’m sorry it was like that for you.

It depends on each child. Maybe read up on ACEs

My parents finally called it a day on their awful marriage (not abusive, but dreadful and very frequent rows and almost constant tension) when I was around 11. It was a massive relief for me, and I wished they had have done it earlier.

My two older sisters had already left home and were at uni by this point, so had lived their full childhood in a toxic environment.

As adults, I would say I am the only one who has achieved a happy, "normal" marriage. Both of my sisters have had some very bad relationships (one abusive), and although they are ok now it has definitely affected them more than me.

I think ending a bad marriage is almost always better for the children. Good luck with whatever you decide.

'Too late' is stalling after you realise it has to be done.

It's fine to try more than once, but you cannot repair a relationship when the other person does not engage and work with you and just as sincerely as you.

I chose the word 'stalling' because sometimes there are good reasons to delay a bit (to sort out admin and resources, or to avoid upheaval during imminent GCSEs). And time taken in planning and preparation is worth it. But that's as a means to an end, not to a displacement activity that keeps you there once you know you cannot continue together

Thanks. I know all this really. Just need to keep hearing it.
I cannot being myself to search my old user names here. I know there are at least three over 11 years where I have ‘stalled’. But I hoped if I tried harder it would get better...

I wish I'd left sooner. I was scared of going alone, had no money or job, he'd seen to it that I relied on him for every single thing in my life. My children had no idea. I kept the abuse quiet from everyone and as he wasn't physically violent to me nothing showed. Our children didn't have a clue and loved their funny charming dad. He was always a great dad, he just got his kicks from mentally and sexually abusing me.

I left when my eldest was 10. With just our clothes and I'd confided in my closest family member. We moved areas, they had to change schools, leave friends and family behind. There were times when I sat and cried torturing myself over wether I had made the right decision.

It effected the children very much so. I've still to this day over twenty years on never told them why I left, just said it didn't work out and we grew apart. But I'm sure they now know the kind of monster he is as they saw for themselves his manipulative behaviour after we split. The lies he spews about me to cover his own back as he's terrified I'd tell everyone what he did to me.

The children did struggle, it has effected their mental health to varying degrees. But they've grown into strong independent adults. I'm especially proud that they are kind,understanding and are close.

I have no doubt that if I'd stayed for their sake I'd be dead now or in a very bad state of mental health. And that would if effected them more.

I also have friends who've stuck at very awful marriages for the children's sakes and now the kids are adults they have dysfunctional relationships themselves or have turned around and told their mom they had hard childhoods and wish she'd left so they had relief from the atmosphere and tension.

It's hard either way and I wish you the very best of luck x

Honestly it's straight after you realise it needs to happen. I decided it would be best for DS for me to be a single parent after my ex hurt me during an argument. DS then had sone issues and stupidly I put my guard down. The next argument he hurt me and DS and I booted him out the house, called the police and made it clear that I felt DS was not safe with the ex. That was when DS was 8 months. He's now 11 months old and thriving. He's so much calmer and happier, his development is increasing so fast and he sleeps through. I often think that it's because despite the ex and I not arguing all the time it clearly was affecting DS. I thought he was too young but 3 days after ex moved out DS starting sleeping through.

Point is, it can affect an 8 month old. So do it now.