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Flip

Original poster

Situation with Dsis don't know how to move forward

25 replies

Flipflopsflipping · 01/12/2019 00:17

I have had a silent falling out with my Dsis who I was previously close to. I miss her and her DC's dreadfully and don't know what to do.
Her partner had a big birthday party earlier in the year and didn't invite me and my immediate family and I was fine with this until I found out from social media that my other Dsis and her family were there. Other Dsis wondered why we weren't there too and can fully understand how hurt i am by this.
I've not been able to bring myself to speak to dsis since then and she hasn't tried to make contact either. This is very unusual so she must realise something is up; I do usually see her and DC's regularly.
It has really upset me and my own family. Me and my DC's really miss their cousins.
I have had a difficult relationship with Dsis partner due to partner being unfaithful to her and treating my Dsis badly and me finding this hard to deal with. However, I was making efforts to rebuild the relationship for Dsis sake and thought things were in a good place. We'd all met up just before the party and had a nice time.
I really don't know what to do; I can't bring myself to contact her; there is no point talking about it as she just won't see how the situation could possibly of her/partners making; she has blinkers over her with regards to partner and will support them. She will say it's just because I've not been supportive of their relationship that I feel upset and not inviting us was perfectly fine.

My parents are also upset ESP with Christmas coming up as I've said I won't go to events with Dsis family; even though it breaks my heart. My parents understand and are supportive of how I feel but also don't know what to do re Dsis. They've always loved having all the family together.

I don't know what to do, and the fact that she hasn't been in contact for so long is like twisting the screw in the wound every time I think about it or imagine Christmas without seeing cousins together.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2019 00:22

Act like an adult and ask her what's going on. You will either be able to work through it or you won't. One of you has to behave like a grown-up if there is any hope to salvage your relationship.

Stressedout10 · 01/12/2019 01:03

Are you really going to make your mother choose between her children at Christmas just because you didn't get a party invite
Seriously

NorthEndGal · 01/12/2019 04:05

Youd wreck Christmas together over this? Really?

Mintjulia · 01/12/2019 04:30

Hold a pre-Xmas lunch/planning/shopping trip. Invite dm and dsis and anyone else close. If she declines, address it head-on. Phone her & ask what the problem is.

Nextphonewontbesamsung · 01/12/2019 04:39

How horrible for you! Have you spoken to your other sister about it (the one who was invited to the party?). For whatever reason it looks like your sister has chosen to go no contact with you and that is incredibly hurtful. You don't have to put on a brave face and pretend all is ok just because it's Christmas and I'm pleased your parents understand that. Maybe you will feel like trying to understand what is going on from her pov one day and maybe you won't. It's all very sad meanwhile .

whitebowls · 01/12/2019 04:42

If it's making you so sad then try and resolve it.
Don't hold a postmortem about the past. You can't change that.
Ask your DS and family for lunch or just your sister if that feels better to an afternoon tea or similar.
She possibly feels as upset as you. There are two sides to every story, remember.
Make a new start, at least try to.

CruellaDeVille2019 · 01/12/2019 04:43

Do you think perhaps that you weren't invited because she knows how you feel about her DH and obviously he was going to be at the party?

The only way to resolve this is to discuss the situation with your Dsis. Be the bigger person, send her a Christmas card ASAP asking if you can meet her for a coffee and a chat.

bellajay · 01/12/2019 05:11

If it was her partners party and you have had a history of issues with him sounds like it was probably his decision. Think you need to give your sister a break on that one. If her partner really is awful then she will probably need your support. If you feel there is a need to resolve things you should get in touch with her but I think it’s unfair to make ultimatums about Christmas at this stage without trying to speak to her first. Your other alternative is to wait until you see her at Christmas and try to act normally and move on.

fit4more · 01/12/2019 05:21

Don’t exclude yourself from Christmas events. It’s exactly what he wants. He’s winning right now because what he wants is to drive a wedge between you. He’s going to fuck up again because he’s that type. Keep lines of communication open. This isn’t your sisters fault. Just do things with her and not her partner.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 01/12/2019 05:52

I think you’ve been a bit immature by not just speaking to your sister about it. It wasn’t her birthday, it was her partners birthday, who you’ve said yourself you have had problems with. I probably wouldn’t invite someone I’ve had problems with to my birthday in case there was any drama which overshadowed the celebration, whether or not they were my partners sibling. Your sister might be feeling awkward and shit about it and probably thinks YOU are ignoring HER. If she’s in a relationship where she’s cheated on then maybe she feels insecure and unhappy and unable to rock the boat by kicking off to him for not inviting you, or maybe she tried to make him invite you and he refused. Either way it seems obvious that she’s feeling awkward about it or she would have contacted you. Another thing I’m wondering is if maybe you haven’t made as much effort as you think you have to clear the air with her partner - maybe she feels uncomfortable because she knows you don’t approve of her relationship and so does her partner. Either way, it seems like in this situation she is quite likely to be vulnerable due to what you’ve said about her partner and you. The last thing she needs is her sister ignoring her or making it clear that she’s angry about not being invited to the party of someone she doesn’t even like. I’m not saying you are being unreasonable for not liking him - I wouldn’t either - but it’s weird that you’re upset about not going to his party in light of the problems you’ve had and it’s weird that you seem to be passive agressively taking this out on your sister who it seems has enough problems with a cheating partner. It’s odd that you’d post on here without first trying to obvious solution which is simply to give your sister a call and see if she’s okay and everything is fine between you.

EleanorShellstrop100 · 01/12/2019 05:58

Also I think you’re being very unreasonable re Christmas. You didn’t get invited to her partners party which is mildly insulting at best, considering you don’t get on with him - and you’re refusing to spend Christmas with her, thus putting you’re parents in a HORRIBLE situation and risking isolating your sister, making her feel abandoned by her family, and probably making her cling to her partner even more because everyone who is supposed to love her is ignoring her or cutting her out of stuff? Honestly if you’re as close as you say you are then you wouldn’t do this. It’s so obviously an awful idea and quite cruel too. He didn’t invite you to his party - she did nothing wrong. You’re taking a very minor incident and risking blowing it into a full on family feud and losing your sister for good.

SonEtLumiere · 01/12/2019 06:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LightDrizzle · 01/12/2019 06:21

Why would you want to go to the party of a man you dislike and have a difficult relationship with?
Can’t you see why he wouldn’t want you at his celebration? It wasn’t your sister’s birthday party, it was her cunt husband’s. I can’t see she has done anything wrong.

The type of clan behaviour you are exhibiting, is the dark side of self-identifying “close” families. It often seems to be about face, status within the pack, and conforming.

It’s got fuck all to do with Christmas, you need to get over it.

LightDrizzle · 01/12/2019 06:27

”I've said I won't go to events with Dsis family; even though it breaks my heart.”
FFS! Take to Facebook why don’t you? I’m sure there are plenty of poor me “Family is about...” memes you can harness.

You’ve made a free choice, no coercion, no evil consequences if you continued to go to family events. So you are breaking your own heart.

CodenameVillanelle · 01/12/2019 06:27

You're being a massive baby about this. It's obvious why you weren't invited to the party- you don't like the partner and it was his birthday. So what?
If you're really bothered by this then you should pick up the phone and tell her. She's between a rock and a hard place needing to keep her partner happy and not upset you - she's chosen to stay with him (whatever you think about that, it's her decision) so why would you deliberately make things harder for her?

Goldenchildsmum · 01/12/2019 06:30

Of course your BIL didn't want you at his party. You don't like him and vice Versa I expect

If I were you I'd make an effort to get along with him so that you can stay close to your sister.

She's made the decision to stay married to him and imo you need to respect that.

It'll make you and everyone happy if you smooth over the cracks and rebuild your relationship with sister and BIL

AgentJohnson · 01/12/2019 08:12

Pettiness appears to run in the family.

Gemma2019 · 01/12/2019 08:19

Surely your other sister or your parents have asked her why you weren’t invited to the party or why she hasn’t been in touch with you since? Were your parents at the party? They all know your feelings about it so surely they know her side too? Why haven’t they told you?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/12/2019 08:20

Why would she invite you to the party of a man you don't like?
Get over yourself and don't ruin Xmas.

Don't make your parents choose between you and your grandchildren because you won't like their choice.

Keep your opinions about your BIL to yourself.

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/12/2019 08:29

I don’t think op has a BIL.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/12/2019 08:33

@Oliversmumsarmy I assumed it was a BIL as she spoke about her sisters partner and kids, but ok, maybe it's a SIL. Not relevant really.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/12/2019 08:36

You are at fault.

‘I’ve said I won't go to events with Dsis family; even though it breaks my heart.’

You are saying it like you have no control. You are choosing this drama. Unchoose it. Just go.

NailsNeedDoing · 01/12/2019 08:42

So you've said you won't go to events with your dsis and her family? I take it this was after you became upset at not getting a party invitation?

But either way, why are you feeling so snubbed at not being invited to a party being held for a person you clearly don't like? It sounds like there's history, and even if you were trying to build bridges, there's going to be two sides to this story. It's normal for people not to invite people who don't like them to their parties.

Whatever your reasons are for not liking your bio, if you want a relationship with your sister then you have to respect the fact that she's chosen to be in this relationship and stop trying to make 'her see how a situation could possibly be of her partners making'. Just support her. You clearly love her and want her in your life, so look at what it is you're currently doing that is preventing that.

marymungoandminge · 01/12/2019 09:40

Grow up.

ApacheTomcat · 01/12/2019 11:56

"I don't know what to do, and the fact that she hasn't been in contact for so long is like twisting the screw in the wound every time I think about it or imagine Christmas without seeing cousins together."

But you haven't been in contact with her either.

And you've now told your parents that you won't go to events with her family.

But it's somehow your sister's fault that the cousins won't be together at Christmas?

Flip