Does your DH show that he thinks you’re special?

[HungryBelly]

I’ve been together with my boyfriend for a couple of years and things haven’t always been easy.

I’m currently having counselling separately about issues both past and present.

One of the things that is bothering me is that my BF never says anything nice about me.

This, coupled with the fact that he said I was average looking really puts a dint in my self esteem.

I have worked through things with my therapist and realised that I don’t actually believe that he finds me attractive. He is able to criticise things that I do (cooking/driving etc).

I told him last night that I didn’t feel like he found me attractive and asked if he could compliment me a bit more or even just say nice things about me.

He replied that he didn’t know what I wanted and that he had said I looked nice a few weeks back. He doesn’t understand why I want him to say nice things about me and thinks I’m being needy.

I was just wondering if anyone else has a DP/DH who doesn’t say anything nice about them. Is this normal?

I did and he’s now an ex! Sorry, it’s probably not what you want to hear but if he really loved you then saying something nice shouldn’t be such a struggle. With my ex it was a symptom of a bigger problem between us and I kind of wish I’d seen that at the time.

Thanks. I’ve told him what I need from him and I will give him the chance to see if he can meet my needs.

If it is not possible for him to say nice things about me, I will probably have to end the relationship.

My ex. Couldn't understand why I wanted to go out and celebrate our 1st wedding anniversary. Chose my 30th birthday to come home with formula milk because he blamed my bfing our daughter for her poor sleep (didn't buy me a present). Told me I ruined a photo once because I looked fat in it. Told me he needed me to make more effort with my appearance. The list goes on ...

Don't put up with it. Your self esteem will disappear through the floor.

I think you already know the end is in sight.

I think it's interesting that your title was show but your post is tell. I suspect this means he does neither. If you felt loved and valued, you'd know it. You wouldn't be on here asking about it.

When I asked him how he thought he showed he cared about me he replied that we went out to places together.

This is what I’m dealing with. I genuinely don’t think that he is saying these things to be hurtful.

I genuinely don’t think that he is saying these things to be hurtful

You may think differently if you have much more experience of this man. He sounds very much like my ex (but he went a lot further than not saying anything nice about me). It's all about grinding you down, making you doubt yourself and feel crap about yourself.

Does he have any good points?

Well he's not saying them to be nice either is he! He's barely putting in any effort.

It's not that long a relationship. I take it you don't have children? Why are you working so hard to convince yourself of its benefits, when he clearly can't be arsed?

My ex husband once said to me ‘you could be attractive if you lost weight’.....

My now husband tells me every day that I am gorgeous and he genuinely can’t keep off me. It’s actually quite cringe but I feel the same about him after nearly 5 years.

Some men just aren’t bought up in an atmosphere where they shoe affection.

To be honest you do sound needy. Do you regularly tell him how attractive he looks? And to me why should we. Tbh my oh doesn,t say how attractive i look and I don,t to him as we are not the most goodlooking specimans if were honest. But it,s about showing affection in other ways. (nicknames, snuggles on the sofa, spending time together. ) actions speak louder then words.

We don’t have any children together. I do compliment him and I know he likes it because he will fish for compliments if I haven’t been forthcoming.

He is able to criticise me quite easily though.

That's not healthy op. He's deliberately being nasty to you.

I mean... does he add to your life/self esteem/ sense of wellbeing?

More than he takes away from it?

It sounds like the answer to that is no. And if that's the case, what's the point of him? Not trying to be funny but life is hard enough without a partner who you need to defend yourself against iyswim.

It sounds awful. Are habit and fear of change keeping you with this man? Because why on earth are you still with him? It sounds soul-destroying and it’s entirely avoidable if you move ahead with your life without him.

My ex used to tell me I was fat and ugly (wasn’t fat at all at the time)
My partner now tells me I’m beautiful daily and always gushes about how lucky he feels to have me. Irony is I am actually overweight now, due to an underactive thyroid but I don’t worry about it half as much as I know I would if I was still with my ex.
There are people who will appreciate everything you are out there OP. Give yourself a chance to find one.

I think it's fine not to verbalise appreciation IF it's shown in other ways - care, little gestures like picking you up from the train station or booking a spontaneous night out etc. There's a theory about love languages and how love is expressed. But I'm afraid from what you say, he does neither... I'd get rid, OP. Sorry

He doesn’t add a lot to my life. There are various issues with my childhood and dynamic with my mother that explains why I have fallen into such an unhappy relationship.

He thinks our relationship is fine though.

You need to tell him that your relationship is not fine, you can either stay and try to make it better, or leave. But staying as is will only bring you down and make you resent your BF more.