To leave or not to leave that is the question....

[Subzerohero]

Wondering if anyone else is in an unhealthy relationship and struggling to decide whether or not to leave.
What factors are coming into play? Is the fear of a custody battle stopping you?

Really starting to dislike the man I’m with and anxious about the challenges of the approaching festive season.

If I can resume the whole experience in one sentence it would be: It was far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

There will be battles ahead, and unhappy times, but there will be hope to and the opportunity to rebuild your life. If you stay in an unhealthy relationship the only thing you can count with is that every single day would be miserable in different levels for you and the kids.

You get one life. How you spend your days is how you spend your life etc

I do believe that marriages can have ups and downs and that the downs might not necessarily be fleeting but you are either working towards a better relationship or you need to move on, even if that means being alone.

The fear of what will happen about the DC is what I think can make it so difficult to leave. It was what kept me around longer than I should have stayed. You're clearly ready to get out and should do.

He just called me a slut. Got all defensive when I called him on it. I’m permanently in the wrong any time I try and bring anything up with him.

Ive had to give up work for health reasons so I’m reliant on him financially which makes things really messy. His wages go into his account and not a joint account so I’m in rather a precarious situation.

Are you married to this man subzerohero?

Your words here are those of an abused woman. He will remain the same towards you after you have separated as well but this does not mean that you should not separate from him.

Do contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women here if you have not done so already.

Staying for the kids rarely if ever is a good idea. Do not let the kids be further subjected to them seeing you as their mother being abused. This is no legacy to leave them.

Give yourself a decent Christmas present by putting in firm plans to leave your abuser and asap.

Yes we are married and have dc. The slut comment is a new addition to the repertoire and for some reason has really thrown me.
Things have just really upped the ante in recent weeks and I don’t know why.

You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

I would urge you to contact the organisations I wrote of and seek legal advice re divorce asap. He is not going to make you leaving him easy and will make it as difficult as possible as "punishment" to you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him, this most perfect of specimens.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here. Would you want your kids to be in an abusive relationship, hell no. You want better for them. Do not do your bit here to further show them that this is at all acceptable to you on some level. They are picking up on all this within the home (also sound travels) and they are being affected by it. It is not your fault nor theirs that their dad has decided to carry out his own private based war against you. This is all on him. He is also not above the law here; coercive control is a crime.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for contact info and your kind posts. I do need to do something as the continual chipping away at me is taking its toll. I’m in a mood, I’m picking fights, I’m being negative. I’m aggro. I lost count at the number of jibes today. He can do no wrong and I can do nothing right.
I know others are on the receiving end of similar shit, but where on earth do they pick up this shit? Is there a manual out there somewhere....

I would be in a mood op if I was called a slut! In my own home. Disgusting. You need to make plans to leave. Your actually in a strong legal position if your a stay at home parent as the main caregiver. Don't worry too much about a custody battle. Just deal with small steps. It's too overwhelming to look at the big picture all at once.

Get angry op, how dare he treat you like this. Get really angry and keep hold if it. You deserve better

Read the book (or listen to the audio) 'Too good to leave to bad to stay'- really helped me make my mind up and gave me the clarity I needed. Good luck xx

@foggymummy thanks for the book suggestion. @bullyingadvice2017 thanks for your reassuring words of wisdom.
Didn’t even make it to 8am without his accusation of trying to start a fight when all I did was ask a question. How dare I.....

@Subzerohero has the marriage always been like this or is it recent?

I wrote a post the other day. I'm concerned about custody. At least if I never leave, I never have to worry about DH caring (or the absolute lack of care I fear) for our daughter alone.

@SuperbMonkey it’s been going on for years in one way or another. It just seems constant now.
@tigerball I didn’t see your post but I completely relate to the lack of care side of things. Unless he’s “showing compassion” to have a dig at me he completely lacks emotional intelligence.

Ah, if it’s been going in for years, then perhaps it is time to call it a day. It sounds as if it’s escalating.

There is no decision to make. You need a plan.

@OhioOhioOhio it’s just soul destroying that it has come to this.
@SuperbMonkey yep the frequency is certainly escalating and I’ve read that therapy is contraindicated in an abusive situation so there’s not much else I can do.
Will need to re-enter the workforce but with my health being so unpredictable I’ve got no idea how to tackle things.

Feeling really deflated today to be honest. Really sad that this is what my life has become. He’s constantly undermining me in front of the dc as well which just adds to the whole mess.