Gaslighting? Depression, Midlife crisis? So confused about DH's behaviour

[Countryescape]

My husband and I have always been so solid! But lately I feel like he is being a bit of an arse.

Background, we have been married 12 years, in our early 40's, two children. He is going through the process of redundancy which is very stressful on everyone. I'm currently finishing my masters so not earning, but will earn good money by the end of next year.

Things he is doing recently that he never did before:

• Very disengaged, never asks how I am, no affection towards me other than a peck on the cheek.
• Leaves me to do most of the stuff with the kids, like this morning when both kids were crying and I was trying to get breakfast, dry one of them after getting out of the shower, organise a packed lunch for the other (all while he lies in bed on his phone)
• Gets annoyed when I have to study
• Reacts negatively to everything I say, then when I get annoyed, he says its my fault because he's sick of me bringing things up.

I could go on and on. I did tell him I thought it was unacceptable that he was snapping at me, but now he just doesn't talk at all. I also talked to him this morning about him lying in bed on his phone when I was running around like a blue arse fly. His response "yeah fair call, sorry".
It's honestly like he doesn't care about us (or maybe just me?)

I guess I'm asking, do you think this is normal under the circumstances, or is he being particularly unreasonable. Or am I?!

I'm feeling really fed up with it.

Thanks

It sounds like he’s totally disengaged. I’m not sure what the answer is because I’m going through the same with my DH. Lack of care and attention. No real kisses. It all seems lack lustre. It’s shit. Just a handhold from me

Is it normal? No. Are you being unreasonable? No.

Is he being a selfish dick? Yes.

All he can think about is his own feelings sounds like. Needs to get his head out of his arse. The world doesn't stop turning just because he's been made redundant. DC still need looking after, he's still their dad etc etc. Stop putting up with his sulking, tell him in a few simple words to get a fucking grip.

Does he need to look for another job? Does he know how to do that? I.e. has he been with the same employer for decades and hasn't had a job interview/written a cv/application for decades? You might need to sit down with him and get him to plan out what he's going to do when and where he will get support. Hold him accountable. Otherwise he will just retreat further into sulking like a manchild and the longer he's unemployed the more unbearable and unreasonable he will become (bitter experience). (Yes you shouldn't need to be his mummy and make him get a job but you will be in trouble if he doesn't get moving)

Thanks @ fit4more. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. Its really shit. I've been questioning everything. Is it an affair? Is he gay? Or is it just that he is stressed? Then I feel guilty for not being more supportive. Its not a nice place to be is it. But I'm sick of being snapped at, no affection and playing second fiddle to his phone.

@Preggosaurus9 thanks for validating my feelings! Yes he does need to get another job. It took me asking him 9 times over a period of 4 weeks for him to make contact with the benefit office. He always has the excuse that he is "just a relaxed person" and gets annoyed that I "nag " him. Well maybe just do something the first time then!!

Is he still in the twilight zone of waiting to hear/working out a prolonged notice period in order to get the redundancy payment, so he's trapped until that point?

It made me bloody miserable for six months. In the end, I didn't get a final answer until the last four weeks of employment, as they kept messing me around with 'of course you'll be fine', 'of course we'll find another job for you that's full time' 'well, we offered that one to somebody else' 'we guarantee you full time work doing two smaller jobs a day' 'ah, what we meant was one that makes it impossible to take other employment and constant hassle to come in and work double whenever we click our fingers, so you wouldn't be able to get another part time job', 'but we'll change our mind if you appeal', all combined with their attempting to wriggle out of paying a penny by not mentioning the legal requirements/loopholes that would enable them to do so, etc. And then the last four weeks of working me into the ground to a) get their money's worth and b) get me to produce manuals so that they could get somebody else in at a significantly higher cost as a private contractor to follow my instructions to do my job, the one they said they didn't need at all.

I just didn't want to deal with anything else - and it didn't help that I was the sole earner, so I also had the joys of the sleepless nights wondering what the fuck I was going to do to keep a roof over our heads. I spent a lot of time zoning out on my phone, as it was distracting enough to take my mind off the worry, but not stimulating enough to make me more alert/stressed.

I'm convinced that most employers make the redundancy process so long and drawn out because they want to break people so that they snap and walk out/leave/get another job/say fuck this for a game of soldiers, I've had enough before getting their payment. Five people due to go at the same time as me did that.

Hard to say what it is, have you tried asking him what is going through his head? Why he is glued to his phone and so disengaged from family life?

Redundancy is soul destroying - I've been through it twice now, last time recently as a single parent. But honestly, his behaviour is unacceptable. He needs to confront his feelings, get help if he thinks he is depressed and start looking for another job. Meanwhile he needs to get off his arse and pull his weight around the house. All you can do is set out the seriousness of the situation - that if he doesn't pull his finger out, he will lose more than just his job, he will also lose his family.

Apart from the redundancy thing, my exh was behaving in a similar way a couple of years ago. I had no idea what was wrong with him until he finally told me he wasn't happy but no real reason why.
I found out two weeks later he was having an affair. Just turned 40, with a 27 year old. Total mid life crisis cliche unfortunately.

Im not saying your husband is having an affair but since it's happened to me I have discovered it goes on a lot and it's not just the made up cliché I thought it was.

Hopefully for you it's more to do with the stress of redundancy but it's not an excuse as I know how hurtful this type of behaviour can be x

Sorry you're in that situation.

Mine did that last year; 6 months out of work & he lazed around the house doing fuck all. There wasn't a meal cooked, food bought, no cleaning etc. Whilst I worked full time.

All this despite me having a conversation with him the year before, saying I wasn't up for being the sole earner plus having full domestic responsibility too.

It has totally killed my feelings for him. It was a horrible realisation that he wasn't supporting me. And seemed to be actively & deliberately opposing me - he felt like an opponent rather than a partner.

So I have told him it's over & had the house valued, seen lawyer & IFA etc.

Now he wants things to work & to have counselling.

Too bloody late for me!

I think your only option is to sit him down & tell him you are considering ending your marriage about this.

It’s quite likely that he’s trying to hide from the thoughts of what the fuck am I going to do now. This isn’t an excuse - I know he should be engaging with his family etc, but it might help to explain what’s going on. I think speculating that he might be gay is ridiculous! Hear hooves, think zebras. It’s far more likely that he’s depressed about losing his job.

However, what he needs to realise is that the best thing he can do is to start job hunting and find something else. It’s hard and scary doing interviews, but it’s necessary. If he’s in a total funk with destroyed self-confidence, though, I can see why he’s avoiding it. But better to take the plunge, get a few applications in and start the process. Good luck, OP!

My dad’s main form of income has recently disappeared and he needs to repurpose his business. My stepmother is bitching about how he’s irritable and distracted. It just looks really selfish from where I’m sitting! (But he’s not lying in bed on his phone - he’s up early sorting out teenagers and doing DIY.) In your shoes I would be really annoyed, but this is definitely a point when I’d be trying to cut him a bit of slack. Easier said than done, though!