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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need a hand hold or a grip

8 replies

chellybell · 30/11/2019 01:38

I'm sorry if this is a confusing mess, my head is all over the place, I will try not to drip feed.

My husband and I have a long history of issues in our 10 years of marriage, our sex live has been pretty none existent the past year, mostly due to the fact my DH refuses to regularly bath (maybe twice a month) and he has a dirty job, so I have been refusing sex as I'm turned off by him. He also pesters for sex and will grope me and make suggestive remarks in front of our children, 6 and 18 months.

He has been using porn and lying about it, denying it even though its in his phone.
So tonight he comes home from a night out, not roaring drunk but more than tipsy, I come down stairs to check on him and I find him on the sofa with a penis pump on his bits. He woke up made out was being daft, he didn't have a pump, hadn't got it from anywhere ect, ect. I feel like this is the end of it for me, but i'm terrified, I'm a SAHM and all my family are about 200 miles away. I'm not sure what im wanting from this thread and I hope it's not been to waffly or full of errors. There is more backstory but I haven't included it as I didn't want to make my op longer than it already is. This is my first post but I promise I'm not some weird penis pump troll.

OP posts:

iswhois · 30/11/2019 01:45

Help is never ever too far away, even if it's not family. Women's aid, even if not fit for your exact circumstances can point you in the right direction, citizens advice bureau- look up where the nearest one to you is.

I think this marriage has run its course but you presumably already know that. Thankfully you are married, so when you separate this will help you financially despite the fact you are a SAHM. Don't settle for this any longer, he is a class A twat.

iswhois · 30/11/2019 01:48

Are you on good terms with your family though? Because 200miles is nothing to a loved family member in a crisis.

plum100 · 30/11/2019 01:50

Sounds horrible. Presumably you have tried to speak to him about the washing issue over the years? I too wouldn’t go near him and a relationship is difficult if you don’t have that physical contact in any shape or form. Think you probably need to look at formulating a plan as to how this marriage can end .

Mickeylove84 · 30/11/2019 02:04

You need to go, imagine your child walking down and seeing that on the sofa.
You agreed to marry a man, not a farmyard animal.
Please look at the women's aid threads and formulate a plan
Best of luck and it'll be the best thing you'll ever do for yourself and your children

Original poster

chellybell · 30/11/2019 02:10

Yes, my family would have us in a heart beat,I'm just worried about what it would mean for visitation for the children. I have told him that I would happily have sex with him even if he just washed his hands, face and bits, but he just seems to want it all on his terms. He denies he's dirty even though I show him the black marks he leaves behind when he touches things and on the pillows. There's just been so many thngs over the years, I began to think maybe I am expecting to much. he very much has form for denying things even with proof. He wont tell me what his work hours are, he says he's had no pay rise, but our benefit has gone down, so he must have. he gives me no money unless I explain in minute detail why I need it.

OP posts:

iswhois · 30/11/2019 02:14

OP unless he is mentally ill what he is doing is a form of abuse. A good husband would never expect or demand sexual attention despite your (quite valid) concerns.

I know it's hard and feels so final but I think you need at least a break. Could you call a family member tomorrow and ask to stay with DC for just a few days at least? Visitation etc. Is not worth worrying about, can be resolved later, you are not kidnapping his children you are taking them to see your family.

Get some headspace with people who love and respect you and formulate a plan.

iswhois · 30/11/2019 02:15

And BTW I don't think he is mentally ill, I think he is a pig. Imagine if your kids walked in on that scene.

Please keep posting here

iswhois · 30/11/2019 02:18

And sorry just read your last post properly, what he is doing is a form of financial abuse. Just because you are a SAHM you are NOT BELOW HIM in the eyes of the law and he cannot enforce this and cannot control your life.

I would advise you contact women's aid tomorrow and then a family member, this doesn't have to be your life!

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