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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get over being dumped for someone else ?

29 replies

Ladykady · 29/11/2019 23:51

It was only short (couple of months). But I was mad about this guy. 3 months later he has MOVED to be with the girl in the city she lives in , I went on her Facebook (I know) and she has written that he is the 'love of her life'.
He 'loves' on Facebook things she puts (he only 'liked' stuff I put.

I know looking online was not helpful so I blocked both which helped, but sometimes curiosity gets the better of you.

The thing is that he didn't even end things with me, I found out via social media and was absolutely floored. My friend said he seemed like such a sweet guy and she couldn't believe he would do that.

I get it, sometimes you like someone else more. But why do they have to have the fucking Disney romance of the year.

Tips to move on ? Anyone else been in this boat ?

I'm used to not seeing or speaking to him anymore, I have come to accept that I will likely never see him again, even though a part of me hopes they will break up.

But I have to tell myself, why would I want someone like him ?

I'm doing the usual hobbies and all that, but how do you fully stop hurting when they met someone else they liked more ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladykady · 29/11/2019 23:53

I heard that when a guy wants to be with you, NOTHING will stop them and that when they like/love you, they make it very clear.
I feel like I was just the warm-up act 😂 I guess it was just bad luck.

OP posts:
Ilovethekitties · 30/11/2019 00:22

You wouldn't want a man like that OP, if he can just up and leave you without even saying anything to be with someone else he's obviously got something weird going on. I mean, that's not normal behaviour!? Where there is weire behaviours, there would have likely have been a lot more oddities down the line.

You can do better, he smelt like eggs

PumpkinP · 30/11/2019 00:52

Sadly I think your second comment is right, my ex would never commit or live with me them bam we ended and he moved a woman in he had met once!

Were you and him “official?” Only asking as a lot of men seem to refuse to be official these days so when they meet someone they like better it’s not cheating as you weren’t “together” so they don’t need to end things with you (in their mind!)

Original poster
Ladykady · 30/11/2019 07:04

Thanks for the replies, yeah I guess that's true, there must have been something weird about him.
No we were not official which I imagine suited him very well because he did indeed tell me "we were never official so I have not exactly cheated on you" LOL

@PumpkinP that's awful sorry to hear he did that :/

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Original poster
Ladykady · 30/11/2019 07:09

He did have some issues though, he was unhealthily thin (maybe just fast metabolism) he only weighed 0.5 stone more than me and i'm 5'7 and size 6 and he was 6'2..
He also told me he had been kicked out of 3 different homes a few years back, and seemed to have strange relationships with his family.
Who am I to judge, everyone has a past but just to say that there were other issues going on.

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KatherineJaneway · 30/11/2019 07:52

Sorry you've gone through this OP. No advice but to try and keep busy.

Original poster
Ladykady · 30/11/2019 09:04

Thanks 💐 I guess it'll be a case of just waiting for it to pass. Like other PP have said, there was something not quite right about him so I have to remember that

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AutumnConker · 30/11/2019 09:26

You are realising and getting your answer as you continue to write ... sounds like you dodged a bullet. I think some of it is the sadness of romantic dreams dashed - the reality is he was most likely a weirdo and you had a lucky escape.

AutumnConker · 30/11/2019 09:32

So yes I think it’s more that. Plus the “rejection” aspect, even if you realise with hindsight they were highly unsuitable at best, or misogynist men with issues at worst.

DBML · 30/11/2019 09:41

Op, you clearly thought there was more to your relationship than he did. He wouldn’t go official with you and basically used you until something better came along.

That’s how you get over this...see it for what it was, for who he is. How does he sound when you read over that? Like a dick? Yep.
Is that who you really wanted?

Imagine how you’ll fall when someone actually says they want to be just with you, when they are as excited about commitment as you are! That could be just around the corner now you’ve gotten this loser out of the way.

Forget about him and his new girlfriend and wish them well so he never comes creeping back!

PicsInRed · 30/11/2019 09:47

You get over it one day, week, month at a time. Eventually, you realise they're firmly in the rear view mirror and you're no longer checking.

As per Autumn, you will partly be grieving for the relationship you hoped it would be, rather than the reality of what it was.

Listen, this isn't what you want to hear - and you definitely don't feel it now - but you are so lucky to be out of this. This is exactly the sort of man you will read about on this board who suddenly changes, moves in with someone else and decides he never loved you...after 10, 20, 30 years and children. Read the horrifying, grief stricken and financially terrified stories of women on this board and again, I know you aren't there yet but thank God or your lucky stars that he showed you his true face now and released you to find someone of better quality and kindness to have children with. Flowers

Original poster
Ladykady · 30/11/2019 10:58

Thanks a lot 💐💐 absolutely, I am probably missing what it could have been. I've dated some nasty pieces of work in the past but he was genuinely so sweet. I guess he was just better at hiding it.

I agree that I have had a lucky escape if he was able to do that in such a callous manner.

He was very convincing, and what hurts is believing that he actually liked me, but met her and bam, that was it.

However, he is a loser and i will keep reading over this advice !

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Intheheat · 30/11/2019 18:11

It's a shock when the sweet nice guy hurts you. This happened to me. I was SO convinced that he was lovely honest and sweet (partly because he always said he would never hurt a woman) that l never questioned anything. I believed his hype and l think he did too. So, he actually dumped me by going silent and letting me painfully and slowly work it out for myself. In the end it was me that ended it (so again he can be the nice guy who didn't do anything). Weeks later l pieced it all together and realised he had been seeing someone else for months whilst we were still together. He doesn't know that l know this. A bit of me wants to take him down from his perfect perch but l decided no contact was the way forward. I am too proud to have a go at him and l am over it now but l often think how funny it is that it's the nice once that turn round and bite you on the bum when you're not looking! Lesson learned. X

PorpentinaScamander · 30/11/2019 18:16

It takes time to heal. Even when you know they weren't right for you. I don't think theres anything that can speed up the process. I wish there was as I'm 3 weeks post breakup myself and have cried most days (I also have severe depression and anxiety). He told me he can't stand my children, so there can be no future for us. It still hurts a lot though. A hell of a lot.

Keep reminding yourself of the annoying things he did, no matter how small. It helps a bit I find.

Gentle hugs Flowers

Windmillwhirl · 30/11/2019 18:20

He wasn't for you. Sometimes it's best to keep it simple, lick your wounds and look forward. Sorry you are hurting but you were fine before you met him and will be just fine now he's goneSmile

Original poster
Ladykady · 01/12/2019 08:22

Thanks a lot everyone. Can't believe that @Intheheat @PorpentinaScamander how dare those men treat you like that 😔 some real arseholes out there. Just hurts that they get to treat people badly and be happy but we have to suffer even though we are nice people, hopefully I will heal in time.

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mummmy2017 · 01/12/2019 08:28

I am wondering from the speed of the move if you just ducked a cocklodger.
Maybe you were too savy for him, but he couldn't let you go till he lined up a new victim.

Original poster
Ladykady · 01/12/2019 08:33

I'm gonna sound naïve but I don't know what a cocklodger is 😂 seen it on here a couple of times.
Honestly the guy was holding me in his arms and saying I'm trying not to cry, I can't believe I've met you, now less than 3 months later he lives with this girl, you couldn't make it up.

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mummmy2017 · 01/12/2019 08:38

A cocklodger, is a man who seems nice then moves into a house and does nothing and pays no rent.
He presumable pays you with sex.

StormBaby · 01/12/2019 08:40

Definitely a cock lodger. I had one do this to me after 2.5 years of LIVING TOGETHER! He just got up one day and moved in with someone more convenient. 🙄 Told me it was because of my special needs son, then moved on to the next victim. Best way to get over it is to write down a list on your phone of all his bad points, all the times he did something stupid/rude/embarrassing, all the times your instincts were telling you something wasn't right. Keep adding to it as you remember stuff. Read it whenever you are sad.

KatherineJaneway · 01/12/2019 08:56

Honestly the guy was holding me in his arms and saying I'm trying not to cry, I can't believe I've met you, now less than 3 months later he lives with this girl, you couldn't make it up.

Just remember what a dick he was. Telling you all that but not labelling you 'official' and then using that as an excuse to move on with no guilt.

Original poster
Ladykady · 01/12/2019 08:56

Wow, some absolute trash out there 🙄 we didn't live together or anything as it was only short but, i'm just always suspicious about people who have to move at incredibly fast speed (like they have).

Sadly as it was early days and very much the honeymoon period I cannot think of anything that annoyed me 😔 the only thing was that he somehow decided on what sort of music I listened to based on my looks and that I was kinda quiet. He was very surprised that I listened to hip hop because I was 'kinda quiet' erm, ok 🙄

But the most embarrassing thing he did was not text me back for 5 days, come back saying he had been really busy, when he was actually busy with his fancy piece.

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Original poster
Ladykady · 01/12/2019 08:58

Yeah exactly, and then he had the cheek to say to me 'I saw you were getting attached so I didnt tell you because I knew you'd be really upset' then quickly added 'and I was getting attached too ! " right... What a dick

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Flowerballs · 01/12/2019 08:58

The best way to get over a break up is to work on yourself. Draw a line, he's moved on, it's over. That is nothing something you can control or change. But, understanding why you were attracted to him and other wrong ones in the first place may actually help you have a better sense of self worth. If you think of yourself as a bin, you attract rubbish. Find a contentment in your own company such that anyone else will be a bonus. Sorry, I know it sounds tough, but dust yourself off and work on a happier version of yourself.

Original poster
Ladykady · 01/12/2019 11:57

No you are absolutely right. If he's able to act like that, he wasn't a good guy nor was he right for me. I need to raise my standards.

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