So unhappy in my marriage

[Chester1980]

We have been married 2 years and have a 1 year old son. I find my husband does not respect me at all.

I have gotten myself into £10k worth of debt over the last few years, it was very manageable, but a few things put it up to that amount recently, while I was on maternity leave. My husband said he can’t even look at me over it and I have nothing to feel sorry for myself for.

I had no sleep last night looking after the baby, I am exhausted. I just want a hug or something, some acknowledgment that it must be tough doing this night after night.

This is the same guy, that back in January, drunkenly told me how he was was annoyed at me because he had been paying for things, when I was on maternity leave. I hadn’t asked him for money since, because he made me feel bad. He said now, that’s no excuse. The last few months of my leave, he did help out more with cash, and didn’t hold it against me. Today he is being nasty.

I just need a hug and to feel loved. I know I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I feel so alone. My parents live far away and are ill. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone. If I dare get upset, he will have a go and call me manipulative.

He's your husband and should support you and your baby, it is very unreasonable of him to complain about supporting you during maternity leave, what's your financial set up as a couple before you had baby?

If you are feeling low, or lonely and want to 'talk' properly to someone I really would recommend Samaritans, it's not just for suicidal people. Being able to talk and answer other people's questions about your situation can really help put things into perspective.

Sorry your P seems a bit of twit. If you sat down for a family meeting would he engage?

He sounds dreadful. Your married and he should have supported you without hesitation during maternity leave. I can’t imagine being left financially vulnerable and him making you feel bad about supporting you over that peroid. Sounds like a lot of men you hear about on MN who become controlling abusive twats once a baby arrives and there DP are vulnerable . I hope you have RL support. Speak to friends and family and take time to think about what you want your future to look like for your and your DC

He doesn’t engage. I’ve tried to get him to go to therapy with me in the past, and he point blank refuses. Even without this issue of the debt, he won’t. He doesn’t show me empathy very much at all (to the point that he didn’t believe I was in pain 3 days after my son was born via emergency c-section. We ended up in a&e and he didn’t once hug me or chat kindly to me. He just said he was watching our son). I guess my point with that last story, is that it shows the huge lack of respect he has for me.

I’ve suggested separating because I’m so unhappy, and it’s not something he goes for. But nothing changes.

Our financial set up has always been separate. We pay around an equal amount. He pays the mortgage, which is in his name, and I pay the bills. They worked out pretty much the same. Since I went on maternity, he probably pays about £600 to my £400. The mortgage is in his name.

We both have decent enough salaries, and I can pay this debt, which is on an interest free credit card, in two years.

To add, he has helped a lot financially over the last couple of months when my statutory mat pay ended

What a selfish, unfeeling man

Do you think he's got to a certain point of taking you for granted?

Would following through on a separation cause a shock?

At the end of the day life is too short to be unhappy... I'd rather be able to look for something better than stuck in something that's not working

To add, he has helped a lot financially over the last couple of months when my statutory mat pay ended

Of course. You jointly chose to have a baby together.

I have no fucking idea why your income taking a hit to look after your baby together is something he or you consider to be your problem alone. Madness.

He's horrible to you.

You deserve better. Someone who enjoys your company, who looks after your well-being, who wants the best for you.

This man is none of these things.

You can choose to live with someone who seems to actively despise you, or you can leave, and find true happiness.

Look into the Freedom Programme, op. You can read through their book if you can't attend a class. I think you'll find your husband throughout its pages.

Thank you guys. It is really helpful to read these comments. They are things I do know deep down, but don’t want to come to terms with, I guess. I will check out the Freedom Programme.

I want to say a few things he does, that are good. He takes our son in the morning for an hour or so, so I can get a bit of sleep. He also does a lot of the cleaning (much more than me!). He dotes on our son, he’s so gentle with him. And our son adores him. I don’t want to hurt that relationship in any way.

I need a good cry. This is one of the things I’ve noticed. I cannot cry anymore. I didn’t even cry when I took my son to nursery for the first time. In the past he ha called me manipulative for crying. He’s even laughed at me crying before. Although he said afterwards it was a nervous laugh as he didn’t know what to do. Didn’t occur to him to just hug me!!

They are never 100% horrible, op. Of course he has good bits, why else would you have chosen him? But that doesn't make any difference, in the end.

I like to think of an image of a cockroach in my food. Would I just eat around it, telling myself there are still good bits? Or would I throw the whole lot out? and run out of the restaurant screaming

You are not an equal in your relationship op, why is the mortgage only in his name? Not a good sign.

Fortunately you're married so the mortgage being in his name doesn't really matter. Also, if you can show he has materially benefited from the debts you've incurred, he's liable for them too.

He sounds emotionally and financially abusive. How long were you living together as a couple before you got married? And was he nicer to you before you got pregnant, by any chance?

I assume that while you were on maternity leave he did not pay you his half what childcare would have cost? If he did, I could see him feeling hard done by if he had to pay more than his usual share. Doubt that's the case though.

He doesn't have to agree to separation in order for it to happen.

In order for a relationship to continue, both parties have to want it to. In order for a relationship to stop, one party has to want it to. That's just common sense.

@Teapot13 no, he didn’t not pay what childcare would have cost. For 7/8 months he probably paid a few hundred pounds more than me on our household bills, and that was it. I did tell him that childcare would have cost much more.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas this is true - but logistically I do need to be able to discuss it properly with him. And he would refuse to. Financially, I could not move out, and I have no family within a 500 mile radius to go to. In reality it’s just not that easy.

@perfectstorm we were together for five years. I’ll be honest, we did have our problems, but I wasn’t vulnerable at that time. I had the financial independence I liked. But yes, there were red flags, I shouldn’t have dismissed.

He sounds mental. Takes 2 to make a baby, he is responsible for the consequences including financially. I'm disgusted and shocked that you are now in debt due to maternity leave with HIS child. How dare he.

By the way, good fathers do not abuse the mothers of their children.

I sat down and spoke to him this morning. I reminded him that he had been unkind about saying he had been paying for so much at the start of my maternity leave. He said he had a right to be annoyed at me over the debt, as he sees it as his debt too. I apologised and said that I haven’t spent money on myself (I bought a pair of trainers 6 months ago!), most of the money went on our son, and a few things which left me out of pocket.

I also said it feels like he doesn’t respect me. He said he does. I know nothing will change and if I stay I have to basically resign myself to a life without affection or understanding from him.

My response to your words in your last sentence would be "so do not do that to yourself and in turn your child".

Abusers can be nice sometimes but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Decent men and fathers do not abuse or otherwise mistreat the child's mother financially (and he has indeed also financially abused you here). He really does have no respect for you whatsoever. Dismissing the red flags re him as you did has cost you dearly.

You do not need his permission to leave him; you just need to give yourself the ok to do that. He is ultimately not the boss of you and he is NEVER going to be at all reasonable and or amicable when it comes to you separating from him. This does not mean to say you should not separate because you absolutely should. His actions towards you are about power and control and he wants absolute over you here.

Please look into Womens Aid's Freedom Programme and enrol yourself onto this. It will help you go forward as well.

I absolutely agree with Attilla. Is this the kind of man you want to be with forever. A mean spirited, abusive, tightwad who doesn't have your back when you're at your most vulnerable. He's not good enough for you or anybody.

He said he had a right to be annoyed at me over the debt, as he sees it as his debt too. I apologised and said that I haven’t spent money on myself (I bought a pair of trainers 6 months ago!), most of the money went on our son, and a few things which left me out of pocket.

Great, so you told him "Sorry, but it is in fact your debt too because it was spent on your child." Did he accept that?

If you can get him to agree that it's his debt too, your finances will not be such a hindrance to leaving.

Did you have any discussions about finances before having the baby? He seems to be surprised that babies are expensive.

It is his debt too if it has been incurred for household items/bills.