Can't make decisions for himself

[Losingmyboy]

Does anyone else have a partner who can't make decisions for himself, but is so passive you can't get a straight answer?

He asks me what we should do about something, then when I tell him my views he moans about it, tells me why its a bad idea and so I ask him how he wants to do it and he just says in a passive aggressive manner "no we will do it your way"

Even if I persist and ask him his ideas, because maybe he has a better way he just says "he want's to do what I want to do"

Sick of his mind games, I decided to play him at his own game today and asked him what way he had decided on, when he mentioned my original way I said "well that way won't make me happy, but if that's how you want to do things that makes you happy, that's okay with me" he then became raging and annoyed with me. I told him again that wasn't the way I wanted it, but as it was the way HE wanted to do things, I was fine with that. He got so mad and stormed off, when he cooled down I asked him what he wanted to do and after 5 times saying "whatever makes you happy" I gave up....

It's such a stupid thing.... like if he wants to make me happy, why would he moan doing what he asked me to tell him to do? Why can't he just tell me his idea and way of doing things instead of passive aggressively rejecting everything I suggest...

It's soooo annoying!

If you haven't been together long time to move on.

If you have you need a third party possibly a counselor to help you communicate with each other. He clearly wants an easy life bit moaning about your decisions when he refuses to make any isn't on.

@Cola its a long relationship, he does plenty good things - I just don't understand what his problem is.

I actually dread when he asks me a question incase I get the answer wrong!

This sounds deeply frustrating. If you aren't prepared to end the relationship (and I think you should) then don't play mind games - just refuse to engage with his. I don't think there's a way of getting him to stop being this way - it clearly works for him. Let me guess - you spend huge amounts of energy trying to work out what he wants and how to make him happy?

But I highly doubt that this sulky, stroppy, manchild is an excellent partner in all other respects.

I just don't understand what his problem is

It's not a problem for him, it's a strategy. He wants you to feel this way.

He is using a passive aggressive form of control and it is actually an abusive trait.

Although possibly over time he has given up and it is a form of learned helplessness and he is doing anything for a quiet life.

It’s bad communication, and sounds quite codependent.

Either try and communicate better, get counselling or get ready to move on.

OP, I recommend going on a marriage course. DH and I did one a few years ago and it really improved our communication.

I think you can either take advantage of the situation and do as you please, or stop being his mother and let him take his own decisions, he won’t like it, he will hate you for it but what’s the point of carrying up making all the decisions just to be berated because he choose not to decide?

There is a saying abordad who says “if you choose not to vote, shut up. You have no right to complain”

Was he overparented OP?

I have a family member who is virtually capable of deciding tea or coffee because his parents never let him make a decision of any sort whatsoever. He is virtually incapable as an adult. His sister was the same but she died of something directly related to her being infantilised.

I know this doesn't help what you are seeing day to day but it might help you to understand and maybe change things?

I agree it is abusive because you can never be right or have your views accepted.

My ExH did something almost identical. Whenever I would say something, suggest anything ie how to do something he would say, ermm... Not really. But when pushed so why not, what would you do? He has no answer.

It was his way of constantly belittling me and I now recognise it was a sign of abuse and coercive control.

I actually cited it in my divorce proceedings.

It won't get better, it's more insidious than you realise and no, you don't have to put up with it. You can have a life without your partner treating you like crap, if you get rid of them ones that do.

Next time he asks your advice, simply respond with 'what do you think we should do' rinse and repeat. Treat him like a toddler asking the 'why' question. 'Mum, why is the sky blue' - 'why do you think the sky is blue dear'

He's carefully filling his bag of resentments to make you his scapegoat for all his unhappiness and discontent.

These people never change. If you don't have children, just walk away. If you do have children, make plans to escape.

Sounds like me Ex. It’s completely draining having to think about everything all the time. Plan everything, make all the decisions and come up with contingency plans Because everything I suggested was wrong. Then he’d complain that I was controlling when in fact it’s the opposite.
He’s still doing it now. Pestering me to tell him my Christmas plans do he can make his own. When what he really means is tell me your plans so I can shit all over them and complain about how awful you are.

Walk away if you can.

Draining or what? Why do you stay with him?