Clarifying what we are

[WhatOnEarthDoIDoNow]

I have a really good friend who I think might be into me. He's very tactile and flirty and I like him. The way he is with me he isn't like with anyone else but as far as I know we're friends and nothing more but I know if either of us were dating anyone we'd have to change our behavior immediately because it's quite honestly inappropriate at times. We've not done anything but it's encroaching on abnormal for friends and it will become a problem later. A guy has asked me on a date and I am considering turning him down because my relationship with my friend would change but I know that this can't continue. But I know I could lose his friendship anyway by asking what is going on.

How do I start this conversation, knowing what I risk losing?

How about...”I’ve found myself becoming more and more attracted to you. I value our relationship and I need to know how you feel, because I can’t date other people knowing how I feel about you”
If he doesn’t want a relationship with you then you’re wasting your time, re-set the relationship and go ahead and date someone (else!).

Well, it's not really a friendship to lose, is it?

If he doesn't want more, then you know and can go on your date.

I’m kinda thinking that if your both single and nothings happened then maybe there’s is a reason for that?? Some people just enjoy flirting

You don’t have much to lose. Tell him how you feel.

The problem with saying that you’ve been asked out by someone else, is that he may think that you really want to say yes, and are hoping for his blessing. So, leave the other guy out of the conversation.

@Dadaist, that could work.
@category12, it is a friendship. We are good friends I don't know how else I'd describe it.
@PumpkinP, neither of us are into flirting. We're both very awkward and generally introverted. He has other friends and I know he doesn't behave like this with them.
@ConfCall, I wouldn't tell him about the guy, but I do have a lot to lose. I have our friendship which I value massively.

No, because it's "inappropriate" and you'd have to change behaviours if you were seeing someone else = not a friendship.

@category12, that's fair. But I don't know what else to call it.

"Shit or get off the pot" perhaps.

Get drunk with him?

@category12, fair. It's confusing and difficult and I need to know what we are and where I stand as its weird and is affecting other relationships. I mean no guy is going to think I'm single if they see me interacting with my friend.

@TimeForNewStart, he won't generally get drunk and I'm not a massive fan of clubbing. We did jelly shots the other day which is why the biting happened. I could suggest it, I think he'd be up for it. He's coming over tomorrow for wine and cheese with me and two of my housemates. So in 10 days he'll have been over 7. But I enjoy his company and he's happy to come over.

I'd been in a similar situation to yours, a friend kept telling people he liked me. We text ALL the time, didn't hangout as much as you and your friend though. We worked together and would spend a lot of time together there plus a couple of weekends a month, other friends present though.

Anyway another guy asked me out, and I felt like our 'friendship' would need to change also if I decided to go on the date. I basically told him the situation- been hearing you like me, we speak all the time, I feel the same, BUT another guy has asked me out .... his reply "well he asked you out and not me" 😶😶😶 from that day I decided to go on the date with the other guy, and I distanced myself from the friendship, around the same time applied for different shifts in work (for more money not to avoid him). That was five years ago and I now have a baby with the guy that asked me on that date.

Moral of the story, if a guy wants to be with you he'll make it known. (So I believe). Hope this helps

@1littlequestion, I'm so glad things have worked out with the guy who asked you out.
We don't text that much but we see each other every Monday, Friday and Sunday at least. Some weeks more than that but never less. We've also been on holiday together with friends twice and I have stayed with him and his parents for a week before Christmas last year. I agree on the if a guy likes you he'll make it known usually but I also know that he is autistic, has diagnosed anxiety and has never been in a relationship. Which complicates things. He'll only be 22 in December and I will be 25 in January. I also have Aspergers I was in a long term relationship from 16 to 22, I have dated since then, but I've never had this situation before with a friend. I think if he knew someone had asked me out and that I was considering it he would be angry and hurt but try to play it off like hes ok. So I think if nothing else he likes me but he may not know what he wants or be ready for a relationship. I just know that I'm not happy in this middle ground not friendship not dating place that we're in.

If you're that close to him, just tell him you like him more than a friend.

I'd let him know how you feel. If you don't you're stuck in limbo either way, if you feel he wouldn't make the first move ever, given his diagnosis, I'd let him know you like him, but have been asked out too and wanted to see where he stood

@RantyAnty, I don't want to freak him out and lose his friendship. I think I'm going to talk to one of our mutual friends about it and see if she has any idea.

@1littlequestion, yeah and I have no idea how to deal with being in limbo at all. I don't think he'd make the first move, I just don't know if it's his style at all but I'm not sure how well being that direct will go down with him.