I love my cousin but she drives me slightly bonkers. I need help fathoming what’s going on, and advice on how to manage our relationship.
She has loads of friends, and is gregarious and charismatic. People generally love her when they meet her. My friend love her and universally think she's great. She was my closest cousin growing up.
When we do get together now we generally have a great time, and have shared stuff about our lives. At these times, I feel like she really gets me, and me her - in fact she has said exactly that to me during these good, fun times. It's the kind of relationship I have with lots of my other friends and some family, at these times: all good.
And then…. We both go home and she will essentially shut down and withdraw. She’ll be dismissive of any suggestions for meeting up or going out for a while – sometimes quite brutally so. If I try to pick up a thread of conversation we had, she'll shut me down by deliberately misconstruing texts etc, and answering a different question to the one I asked. I.e., "how are you feeling about xyz" which she'd told me was bothering her will get " yeh, I'm really enjoying myself watching this new box set", must dash".. it's weird!
If it was just me that got the hot-cold treatment, I’d take it as a sign that she wanted less contact/ closeness with me in particular, and that I was being overbearing or needy or something. But this pattern is repeated with other family members and friends – many of who have lost patience with her over the years.
She hasn’t been in a relationship for quite a while – She once told me she can’t deal with the feeling of people depending on her or expecting things of her. This struck me as significant. She had an on-off thing with a guy who she withdrew from eventually because he ‘was always wanting her to be there’ for x or y. I’m not sure he was expecting anything at all other than what you’d normally expect of someone you were shagging on more than a casual basis!
Talking to her about this stuff is an absolute no. Tried once, didn’t see her for dust for two months.
Part of me feels sad for her, and a little bit cross also, because so often things seem to be on her terms. I’m also left wondering whether the closeness we sometimes share is... real, almost. I feel quite hurt when she withdraws, although I’ve come to realise it’s probably not about me.
Does anyone else know someone like this, and if so, what is it all about? Fear of intimacy? Avoidant? What?
And importantly… how the hell do you manage your relationship?