I don’t know what to do about my DS - please, please help

[amberskiesinwinter]

My ds is 21 and has ASD. Until recently he was at college but it was a course that allowed relevant work experience he was paid for. It wasn’t much but it was enough especially considering he doesn’t have much of a social life.

The college placement hasn’t been perfect and there have been particular issues about timekeeping but it was mostly okay. However, ds disclosed something a few weeks ago and unfortunately this has led to a chain of events and now he can’t complete the course.

I’ve obviously tried to help as much as I can. I have done a CV for him and applied to jobs for him on indeed. However because of the disclosure and the abrupt end to his course he is struggling to find a job. He had an interview last week where he didn’t even have an interview - he explained what happened at college and they said unfortunately he wouldn’t be suitable.

He has gone to a company I used to work for (and to be honest I’m not really sure how comfortable I am with that) and that’s domiciliary care work, I really don’t know about that. I think that he’ll end up being bullied a bit and be really unhappy. I’m also frustrated with the lack of proactive-ness from him. He went into the company I worked for but he hasn’t filled in their application form. This will obviously require a DBS.

He’s signed on, but that’s going to take a few weeks and I’ve explained to him the job centre will expect him to apply for jobs. He’s utterly miserable and very depressed. I have given him £200 today but I am worried about helping him financially, obviously I’ll do what I can. I do have another child and I worry I’ll drive her away through lack of fair treatment.

I don’t know if anyone has any advice or suggestions for a way forward. I’m so worried.

I'm not really someone to offer advice on this but didn't want to leave you unanswered. It sounds like a really tough situation but similar to many people at that age waking up to the harsh reality of real life. I think you can only continue to be supportive in a consequent way and let him find his way through working life. I would be careful about putting money his way though. It becomes easy to rely on parents. You have my sympathy, parenting is so tough and you never know whether you have done it right!

I would try to find some specialist advice. Maybe via one of the NAS advice lines? (Even if they can't help they might be able to direct you to someone who can.)

I'm not sure why your son making a disclosure should mean he can't complete his course. And I wonder if there is some way to appeal this?

I think it really depends on what the disclosure was. Was the College fair in not allowing him to complete the course or is it something he should be fighting?

If it is affecting him getting interviews/jobs has he told the job centre about it and can they get him specialist advice?

We’ve tried appealing but they have strict rules relating to safeguarding so unfortunately no real way back, although it was harsh given the circumstances.

What are his interests, hobbies, strengths? You need to play to the positives and discard the negatives now OP.
If he likes structure think about the forces.
If he likes gaming, there are so many courses he could do to get an entree into the industry.
I'd address the issues like timekeeping first however and whatever it was that led to him leaving the course.
Making excuses for him and blaming others isn't the way forward. Him taking responsibility is.

He likes the gym and exercise but not team sports. He likes reading and he loves Netflix.

I take it your DS disclosed something that has triggered a safeguarding issue. He's now considered a risk to himself or others. Realistically he's going to find employment or further education very difficult.
It would be worth speaking to children's services as he's under 24. He may benefit from a social worker supporting him.

I’m not honestly sure what a social worker could do and I’m obviously reluctant to involve SS ... is he really finished?

Without knowing what the disclosure was its difficult to advise what his options are and what kind of employment would be suitable

To do with drugs

Will he pass a DBS check? If yes then taking the job and concentrating on it for a good while will help with his CV for the future.

Have you got an ASD charity local to you? Or might be contacting the NAS for advice

Yes he will but he is struggling with references.

Also as I’ve said he isn’t hugely motivated.

I think you need help from adult social services. They’ve got teams of people who are qualified and can help get him resources. It’s got to be worth a try surely!! They’ll also have contacts with employers who will give him a chance? Trying to do this on your own is no longer feasible.

Could his disclosure mean that he'd have problems clearing an enhanced DBS check? If so he is probably going to struggle getting care work. Even if the check is ok it sounds like you don't think it's a good fit for him.

What about helping him train/ work in something completely different where safeguarding issues are not so important. A forklift licence and get into warehouse work? Catering? Construction? IT tech?

I think you need help from adult social services. They’ve got teams of people who are qualified and can help get him resources

Teams?! In the good old days maybe. In this area thanks to council cuts we have a 'team' of 1.5 employment support people serving a population of disabled adults of tens of thousands and seriously no 'resources' at all.

Worth a try though. I hope it's better where you are.

If he will pass a dbs he still has lots of options available. It may be difficult with references but there are ways around this. Not all employers will request a reference and if you know anyone who owns a business and would be willing to offer a reference based on 'work experience' he will no longer require a reference from colleges the could do actual work experience/volunteering?