MIL Cohabitation Tips please!

[JorisBonson]

MIL will be staying with us for the foreseeable for no fault of her own (DV situation and no way on earth I'm letting her go back there).

DP and I are slovenly folk, no kids, comfies on as soon as we get home, lots of good food and wine and just dicking about and making each other laugh. Out most weekends, enjoy doing house / garden / kitchen stuff when we've no plans. Very boring / happy life.

Aware that our lives will have to adjust. How can I keep MIL (to be) happy and comfortable while keeping some semblance of our little life?

(I am not a GF, MIL's safely is the priority. Had police round tonight while she's given statement etc)

Sounds awful for her.

But good luck! I find living with other people really difficult, even those I’m related to (besides DH and DD). The idea is ok but the reality is quite different.

Keep it short, is my advice.

But then again, you might love it.

As in all relationships communication is the key. Acknowledge what has happened and let her know in words that you are supporting her as much as you can. Your actions tell her of course but sometimes stressed out people start to imagine there is resentment behind actions.
It would probably be more comfortable for your MIL if you carry on as usual - as much as you can anyway .
She may need some time to herself to recuperate from her experiences so will probably be happy to spend time alone while you go out and do your own thing.

Firstly, she will be grateful that she’s safe. She will also be frightened. One of the things that has kept her feeling safe at home was probably her rigid routine of cleaning and being “busy” to keep her mind and body occupied so that she didn’t have to think about her reality. You might have to ask her what she needs from you to feel safe in your home. It could be space or it could be having someone there all the time initially. It could be having lights left on, etc. Just make no assumptions. (Also, don’t start including her in all your social activities, as she will need to learn how to develop social skills of her own. Extricating her from your lives will be very difficult if you let her into all of it.)

Thanks all. Belated update.

Police came round on Thursday night and took a statement but he's still to be arrested. DP went with her early Friday to get clothes etc while he was at work.

She's staying with a friend this weekend and we're keeping her updated and advised of what to do / not to do. She'll be back with us tomorrow and I think she'll be here until at least the new year. Tried to make her comfortable, moved some of my stuff out of the spare room so she doesn't feel like she's imposing.

They only bought a house a few months ago so that will be something to deal with. She has a few grand squirreled away and they have about £10k in a joint account - I've told her to move half before he clears it out but not sure if she will. She knows she'll have to move into rented accommodation soon, furnish it etc.

Just going to try to keep her safe, fed, watered and listened to.

I think you are so lovely. To be so caring about your MIL.
One of the things that I found and still find hard after leaving a financial /emotional/coercive DA situation (he got physically abusive after we separated) was that I felt like I was at the zoo or a museum to see a man "behaving normally"
I was so aware that my boundaries were fucked up from the 15 years of abusive behaviour, that I was probably staring at my friends husbands/partners and trying to reassess what was "normal".
I still find it hard after 3 years and do consciously think "thats not special, normal men always do that" sometimes.
Do bear this in mind, when your partner /DH is doing something normal but nice, MIL may get very gushy about how sweet, but needs gently telling that it's normal!
One friends' husband makes a point of telling me that he's not doing anything special, I should expect his levels of care and consideration from any body!

Hi Op
We have been hosting my Mum who is convalescent from surgery, so different circumstances but I thought you might like a few things we have found helpful.

Currently, she stays with us during the week and my sisters at the weekend. This helps a lot, it’s a break for us and for her.

If she eats different foods from you and your family, accommodate this. We got Mum some Marks and Spencer’s food that she likes and bung it in the oven with our own. She has her own cereal, favourite fruit, things for lunch she can help herself to etc. If she’s not eating much, little and often might be the way to go. Or a thimble of sherry before meals, can stimulate appetite. Not recommending this long term or if she’s not safe to have it, obviously.

We gave her her own room and as you have done, cleared some space in drawers and wardrobe.

Small things such as a hot water bottle at night, a hot chocolate etc may be nice.

Re new accommodation, if you visit a charity shop that sells furniture you can get some very nice things for her to start with. We have a charity superstore over the road that makes me regret I don’t have a new house to fill!

I do hope that things go well, for all of you.