When does emotional separation start?

[BannieStark]

Hi all, serial NCer but regular on msn. I have a curiosity I need to satisfy! I am not married, so this is pure curiosity on my part.

Today I had a chat with a few colleagues over lunch and we ended up talking about divorces and separations.

I have always thought that two people would consider themselves emotionally separated after agreeing to split, no matter how long they have to continue living together afterwards. However all my colleagues thought that the "true" emotional separation only occurs after one spouse (or both) moves out and they start living separately. I was a bit confused

So mumsnetters, please help me understand if I got this totally wrong: what do you all think? If you are or have been separated, did you start considering yourself separated from the day you agreed with your spouse it was over, or from move out date?

Obviously I am not talking about the legal definition, I am referring to the emotional level.

Well I am sure it varies from person to person. I think people who've been together for a long time can continue to feel emotional attachment way after they've split or moved out.

I'm also not sure whether you mean what I think you mean...do you mean a sort of conscious commitment? Or do you mean the emotional attachment that comes of affection?

I think in most breakups there is one person who does not want it to end...there are some occasions when both are happy to split....but the person who doesn't want to will continue to feel a connection for a long time.

One party moving out will physically remind the other that they've gone and there's no commitment any longer and that will be painful.

Some people emotionally and mentally separate years before the actual separation. The other person has no clue. So when the actual separation comes - however it looks - that one who emotionally left is gone, still gone and had been for awhile. They could probably live under the same roof for years and it not phase them. They've long checked out.

Depends why they broke up.

Some people start years before the separation (they stay as they are trapped or they are having an affair)

My ex left me and the healing started once he left. When they live with you they end up always at the back of your mind when you're at home because you can hear them, you see their stuff, you're programmed to think about a routine that includes them...

I considered myself separated from the moment we had the discussion. But to be honest, I'd emotionally checked out long before that even.