My parents are crap.

[Wantaway]

Always have been. They also drink heavily.
They have never taken much interest, helped me much or been there for me. I left home at 20 and went to live with my lovely, caring grand-parents.

When they died, I rented a house on my own and never had any money towards a mortgage etc.

I then met DH who came from a more affluent and caring but interfering family. I warned him that my family are rubbish and that I have to do a lot for myself, something he accepted at the time but clearly never actually thought properly about.

Now that we have DCs, both DH and his parents constantly expect caring, helpful behaviours from my parents. I can count on my hands the amount of times they have cared for our DCs, my inlaws have them twice a week. I have learned to accept nothing and yet I feel so rubbish each time others place an expectation on my parents.
I also feel more rubbish about it when I see how my inlaws would do all they can to help DH and SIL, too much probably. And it makes me feel sad that I don't have that help from my parents. Whenever DH is alone with the DCs, he has his parents to help him and enjoy days with, I just have to manage on my own.
When I was needing more help from DH at home,the blame was placed on my parents, for not helping me more.
Why is everyone else struggling to accept who my parents are? I thought I'd put to bed the feelings that I longed for better parents, but DH and his family keep digging up these feelings for me.
"If your DM was around more you wouldn't feel like X" It's actually ridiculous and getting me down.

You need to explain, once, that your parents are neglectful and have alcohol dependency issues. That it would be neglectful to leave your children in their sole care and that you would appreciate it, if they stopped bringing it up as the situation is not going to change. You won't discuss it again.

Your husband should be your main support and he needs to step up if you are struggling. He is deflecting. Have you had any support regarding your upbringing OP? It might be an idea to look into counselling and to perhaps see your GP if you're struggling.

I have experienced this with my fiance's parents. My own parents (useless narcissists) divorced 30 years ago when I was 21. I've not seen my father since - he disappeared during the divorce because he owed my mother a lot of money. My mother lives on the other side of the world and I've very limited contact with her.

My fiances parents are still together and seem incapable of understanding that I don't have or even want, much of a relationship with my parents. Tbh I don't like my future in laws much, his father in particular is very judgemental and seems to blame me for the rubbish childhood I had!
I'm lucky that I live 200 miles away from them and have rarely seen them in years. If If I won't put up with crap from my own parents, I certainly won't tolerate it from anyone elses!

You need to hit home to their dad that they were not great parents to you so to expect some sort of loving grandparenting is unreasonable and to keep on about it hurtful to you hopefully that will filter back to his parents and they will shush about it.

"If your DM was around more you wouldn't feel like X"
Do you not think I already know that!? But she is NOT and she is rubbish and she won't change. So for the love of god, stop saying that. It doesn't help and it makes ME feel like shit although it's my parents that are shit. This gets me down enough without all of you rubbing salt into the wound.
So please stop it!

And every time they try to say it - 'No no no, we had this conversation. Don't say it. It makes ME feel like shit. STOP IT!'
Thank you!

Stand up for yourself OP. Don't let people get away with making you feel like crap when it's nothing to do with you.
YOU are not responsible for your parents behaviour. Something else you should point out to your 'D'H and his perfect fucking parents!

So my belief is that the way your parents were when you were a child, then now, are a bit different. As a child, their behaviour to you was a breach of their duty of care to you. You‘ve every right to be furious about that. Your deserve support with what happened.

Now, though, it’s not wrong for them to be hands-off with your DC - it’s their choice (though annoying). I have to say, I have so many friends who are a bit disappointed in how unsupportive their parents have been since they‘ve had kids - but I just think it’s a waste of their energy and yours.

If your ILs want to help, great - but there’s no law saying they have to.

It’s basically on you and your DH to share tasks and I don‘t think it’s fair if you land up with more than your DH cos YOUR parents don‘t chip in. The principle should be equal leisure time for you and your DH.

I say this as someone who lost a parent to cancer when my DS was a baby. Health turns on a pin and situations change at this life stage.

I think you also have a husband problem it is up to him to support you.

I do have a DH problem too.
I have been informed by him and ILs that his life has "changed enough already" since DCs and that if I need extra help then it's not his responsibility.
Bizarre.
I assumed DH would be a team player prior to DCs and we would share everything between us, this has not been the case. He leans on ILs for support whilst I have nobody to lean on. He doesn't get loads of leisure time but he gets a lot more than me and we have next to zero couple time.

He sounds really entilled and spoiled what did he expect to happen when you had a family ?

Sounds like you're the primary caregiver to the children.

Do you own your house? Joint assets?

He will never change...and neither will his parents. What they are doing is knowing, intentional and cruel.

My parents are useless also and the in laws are always asking why they don't do x and y. I actually don't think it's intentional. I have friends who I never discuss my parents with because it is almost like they don't believe you. If you were loved and cared for as a child sometimes you can't comprehend how others didn't have the same. You just dont understand and think it's a lack of communication or need to make more of an effort. Do you think they just don't get it?

So your husband is incapable of parenting his children without help from his parents, basically?

You should save your anger for your DH, he sounds like a nob. Your parents have always been crap, I don't know why on earth your DH thinks they need to do things to make his life easier?

Whenever DH is alone with the DCs, he has his parents to help him and enjoy days with, I just have to manage on my own.

When I was needing more help from DH at home,the blame was placed on my parents, for not helping me more.

I don't think your ILs are all that lovely, actually.

MrsSpencer yes I think that is correct... he can not parent his own children for longer than a few hours without his parents around. He has managed longer on occasion, but seems to get bored and lonely very quickly.
The fact that I also get bored and lonely parenting alone appears to be my parents' fault.