Should I just end my marriage

[tigerball]

My relationship isn't particularly bad, it's just not really good at all - or really a DH/DW relationship. I genuinely think about divorce at least once a day.

Haven't had sex in six months, before that it was a year. No other intimacy or affection. It's been like this for 6 years.

We don't celebrate anything. I use to go all out, really try, birthday, Christmas, anniversary, it's never reciprocated - one birthday I didn't even get a card because he 'didn't know what I wanted' so I stopped.

We don't do anything unless I organise it, and even then he just complains. Even a simple day out for our DD (under 5yo) and it's as if it's too much trouble.
But still we really don't DO anything, all his time not working is spent watching TV or playing a game on his phone.
He doesn't really engage massively with DD. He'd play for 5 mins or so then just ignores her. Most evenings it's as if shes a nuisance to him.

I'm so miserable. I've been a SAHM for a couple of years now, so I understand that he works hard (40hrs 5days) but I'm so tired of the absolute nothingness of our marriage.
And I've told him, repeatedly, regularly every few months I just get overwhelmed with it and cry and beg for it to change, and he's always sorry and full of promises but nothing changes. He also believes there isn't a problem, this is just 'married life.'

Leaving seems over the top? I don't know, it just seems there should be a serious and final reason, explaining my marriage ended because I was fed up? Also, financially it would be disastrous, realistically I'd end up having to live with my parents.
Can I make it work? Can I fix it? Will it get better as our child gets older? Would leaving just be throwing it away for regular marital problems?

I would give marriage counselling a go. Tell him it’s counselling as a last chance to resolve as you are thinking of leaving. This is not married life, you deserve more and you dd deserves to see a happy relationship to teach her about healthy relationships and expectations. No one should remain in any relationship or marriage that makes them this unhappy. He is making no effort to improve things and probably thinks you would never leave him. Give him an ultimatum- counselling to try and get back on track or you leave. I hope this helps. Sorry you are having such a shit time.

Thank you, I had suggested counselling before, he told me it would be too expensive, and 'we were talking right now were we not?' I think it's worth suggesting with an ultimatum.
I can't carry on feeling this miserable, I'm 28 (he's 39) I shudder to think of letting this just carry on for another decade.

I know so many couples who were at a complete stalemate similar to your situation and counselling turned that around completely. A lot of them had to force counselling through an ultimatum as men are often not keen on the idea or of paying for it. But if the marriage is important to him he will agree.

You say your relationship “isn’t particularly bad”, but am sorry to say that it sounds dire!

Minimal sex/affection for YEARS!

You're only 28!? Fucking hell. Get out now.

I honestly thought you must be in your 40s.

You can leave a marriage for any reason - and not being able is a major one!

You've plenty of time to go out, have some fun and start again.

And he’s a crappy father to boot.

Sorry, I mean 'not being happy' is a major one!

Would leaving just be throwing it away for regular marital problems?

Your H giving you regular verbal abuse and controlling behaviour are not "regular" marital problems, OP.

Thank you for the replies.

I would like to try counselling, I'm not sure it would work, he's good at sounding convincing with promises and realising problems with no effort or change in the long run.

If I leave, I have a serious fear of custody, I worry about him with our daughter alone. he's not vigilant with safety, he's forgetful to the point he forgot to give her lunch or milk whilst I was at work (back before I was a SAHM) it's one of the biggest factors holding me back while she's still this young.

Oh please, get out and do it now. You're 28. Sexless companionship should be several decades away.

I am in a similar situation OP, but am 44 and have 2 DC. I can’t tell you how much I wish daily that I’d got out of this sooner. Now it is very, very hard!

Those are just further reasons to leave.

Counselling for yourself, alone, might be good.

That's not just marriage, or an acceptable way to live. I do think an ultimatum is the only thing you can do. Make it real, find out (from the Citizens Advice Bureau perhaps) what you benefits and housing options are then tell him straight - he does counselling ir whatever it is you want, or you have a plan and you're moving on because you and your dc deserve much better. If he's not willing to change, he's basically telling you that he doesn't think any of you deserve happiness but that just isn't true, you do.

Bugger it, just go. Kids are resilient, she'll be fine for whatever time she spends with him afterwords. Sounds like it would be relatively limited anyway.

Normally I'm quick to say ltb but with this I wondered if you could just stay with him for the sake of childcare/practical reasons/company ect... But it seems like he's a useless lump and no good at all that anyway.

Cut him lose and move on. You deserve to find happiness.

Life short.

If he can't be arsed with his DC now, he's hardly likely to push for custody if you split.

We had couples counselling as I had reached the end of my tether. He was angry about until we were actually in the first session. I think the counsellors are just brilliant at navigating relationships and they will check in with you that change is happening (not just words) it saved our relationship 100%.

But do you love him? If not maybe it would just be best to leave as there's always the chance nothing will change.

I’d get a job asap to give you some financial independence while you plan your future...

This sounds dire. You deserve better and can get better.

I am in exactly the same position, i feel like he needs me to make EVERY decision in our marriage and its suffocating.

I know we should split but i have 2dc that love their dad, it is so much easier to say than actually do.

I have been married 20 years and also been a SAHM for 15 years. Your relationship is not just married life. My marriage has affection, sex, companionship and most importantly, fun.

I would suggest counselling before the contempt for him really kicks in but I have seen this sort of thing before where the woman is screaming that things need to change, she ends up leaving and then he acts all shocked like where did all this come from?

I'm definitely at the point where resentment is taking hold. I spend a lot of my time just seething.
I've lost most if not all attraction to him recently, (which has resulted in far more resentment) the prolonged sexlessness and lack of affection have turned me off completely. I have a high sex drive, I currently take a contraceptive pill that is good at lowering my libido.
He would fight for custody due to his family and how it would be viewed. His family are quite wealthy and all about image, therefore, by leaving I would play the role of 'hideous villain.'
I think that I should do counselling to feel that I did try everything. So I don't have to think of, 'what if' in the future.

Also yes, @MelissaCortezsPastry I already see the shock and surprise each time I raise the issues. It's like I'm going mad.