Mum passed away..now separation with DH

[Rollercoasteride]

I am not really sure why I am posting..just need advice on how to handle things.
Background-
We have been together 18 years and 35 now. We have DS 10.
The last 5 years have been pretty horrendous, failed ivf twice (low sperm count), an accident which I lost the use of my arm, and 6 months ago I lost my mum unexpectedly.I had to sort everything out, along with my dad and brother falling out several times.
The last 5 years we have muddled along, DH blamed himself for the ivf, he got a new job and threw himself into it. I guess our relationship wasn't a priority, going from one thing to the other.
My problem is hubby is very detached, he shows no emotion. He said something to me at the weekend, that got me upset..he then said 'well it's not been fun for me'!..I had to walk out the house to prevent an arguement.
On reflection, I feel like I am going through the hardest time of my life, and if your dh can't be there for you at times like this then he never will be. I had a scan at the hospital yesterday, he didn't even ask me how it got on, he's never been to an appointment..he just takes the piss out of arm (saying its fun)
We had a calm talk last night, he admitted he was wrong, but didn't say he was sorry..he said he felt like something is missing, we were different people (well we grew up), he said he move to his mums, and see how things go.
All I want him to be there for me, he said he could predict the future.
So my question is, should he go now or after xmas? DS suffers from anxiety, I dont want to make things worse. How do we explain to DS.
DH is a good dad, I feel he would of hone ages ago if it wasnt for DS.

It sounds sadly as though you got together when you were young and have grown up and apart. The difficulties you’ve been through together have emphasised this and rather than bought you together are showing that you aren’t in this together any more.

I think you both need time apart to evaluate what you want from your marriage but right now it looks like your DH has emotionally checked out already. He isn’t there for you nor is he supportive and that must feel very lonely.

Does it have to be a 'final' conversation with DS? Can you not explain to him that things are difficult at the moment and that you and DH need some space from each other to try to work things out while his dad stays at Grandma's for the time being? In my experience breakups are rarely straightforward unless something horrendously abusive has occurred.

Ds doesn't need to know all the details but it would make him feel safer if he is kept informed of what you are doing. Keep things calm and consistent for your DS which is really what they need when parents split up. He may 'act out' because of the upheaval but as long as you are there for him, calm and strong, and keeping his normal routine he will feel safer.

Before or after Xmas is a bit immaterial really. It's hard to keep up a pretence and your son may already be aware. If you have reached your limit, the sooner the better.

Your husband is making fun of the fact that you can't use your arm? Did I read that right?

No who loves you and cares about you, makes cruel jokes about a disability OP. He's 'detached' because he doesn't care about you.

Have you had any legal advice? I would ask him to move out now, get legal advice and see if your son's anxiety miraculously stops.

Inforthelonghaul- you're right, I think we do need time apart...its just very sad, I have been with him half my life. He always has not been able to display his emotions well. It's got worse over the years. His dad is the same.I am pretty sure he has depression..I had some anti depressants a few months ago (haven't took them), hubby asked me why I went to the doctors, I told him the doctor gave me anti depressants..his reply was can I have some!

@Dacquoise thanks for the advice. I want to keep it as simple as possible for DS. His dad works away quite abit, so he is used to Dh not being at home all the time.

@12345kbm no not had legal advice yet..it only just dawned on me what a shit dh is.

Yes hubby, says to DS 'mum is still saying her arm is broke but its not', or mum is moaning about her arm. The bone has healed by still can't move it... Yes I can use my hands, but it's been really debilitating, struggling to get changed, cook, wash.. I think he thinks I made it up..when it happened I was screaming out in pain (he thought I was being dramatic), he went back to bed (I fell at home), I had to go in our room and ask him to ring the bloody ambulance...I ended up in surgery for 6 hours!
It's all these types of things, lots of them, I need to sort myself out without him adding to the pressure.

He hasn't stepped up regarding your injury and is listening to you scream in pain while you struggle with household tasks? He's also dripping poison into your son's ear about you.

Come on OP. Get some legal advice and ask him to move out. Can you afford a cleaner? His behaviour is shocking. I feel ill reading about it.

Try the Family Law Panel for a solicitor.

Here's the CABx guide to separation and divorce. You'll need to do a search if you're not in England as laws vary.

Try Gingerbread for advice on child maintenance, benefits, contact arrangements etc

Contact Disability Rights UK to enquire about help around the home and financial help.

With space and time, you'll be as appalled at the way you're being treated as I am reading it.

If you need someone to talk to about your mother, please try Cruse who have a free helpline 0808 808 1677 They offer a range of free confidential support for those who are grieving.

@12345kbm thanks for the links. Will have a look at them now. I have gone back to work now, my other arm is fully working and have special adaptations in work (I work in an office, they are great).
I did have counselling through work, but only for 4 sessions, so will give cruise a call.
I think I will wait for the dust to settle and see if I can afford a cleaner.
We are both off tomorrow, so will discuss everything once DS is in school.

I hope it goes well. All the best.

I feel for you. My husband left following a series of events including an injury and close family member bereavement. My counsellor explained this in terms of the entitled male. They marry a strong coping woman and everything is fine as long as she remains ap strong coping woman without problems and if there are problems she minimises them. If there are problems the entitled male feels entirely unable to cope and moves away and on. Your case may be different but it is worth thinking about whether your DH has been fine until you started to need his support regularly and he decided he would rather checkout than do what was required.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man.

Your ds should not be used us glue here to bind you and your husband together. Staying for the sake of the child is not ideal either as it places a terribly heavy burden on them and one they will not thank you for

The incident where you broke your arm and he ignored you until you demanded an ambulance...followed by forcing you back to domestic duties and mocking your disability... "depraved indifference".

Your posts are full of adequate unreasonable behaviours for a divorce petition with abuse component. I would strongly advise you to leave. He will never change.

@SuperbMonkey makes a good point. From personal experience too, this is exactly what happened with me and my sisters in the couple of years following the sudden death of one parent and the sudden illness of the other on top of various issues we were individually experiencing with our health or stress with work etc.
2 of us split permanently from our OH in the aftermath. 1 of us stuck it out so to speak though the jury is still out at whether this was wisest thing to do but we support one another as best we can when time allows due our distances apart.

It's hard when you are the one who has always been "on it" and the moment you need even the smallest of help in whatever form that may be you realise it's not there, not really and that it never really was. One of our OH WENT BACK TO BED after an ambulance call out has been ordered by 111 and messaged only the next morning to ask "are you going to back to do the school run?" after 8 hrs in A&E.

I feel for you.
@picsinred is right. He will never change

@SuperbMonkey thanks for reply. Your post makes so much sense. When I had my counselling sessions after my mum died,my mum dying wasn't covered really, it was mainly the bad time I had in my childhood and hubby. She made it sound like he was bad then, no support. I left there confused..I mean where things really that bad? I my mind we were mundling along and bad stuff happened. There have been no rows or arguments.
It only hit me when he said things haven't been fun for him...I was on the edge really stressed and he chucked it in my face. I am sure it hasn't been fun, but when someone feels like that, you help calm them down, not chuck it in their face. I suggested he goes to a counsellor, but he didn't want to..says it all really

@AttilaTheMeerkat, I wouldn't want to burden DS. I am not even angry with DH,I am past it all now. Just want to be civil for his sake.
I saw things as a child, which I shouldn't have(which have only been brought up now), my dad seemed to thing we wouldn't remember, even my brother 5 years younger remembers...things with dh are nowhere on that scale, but I vowed to never to let DS witness anything with my dh

@PicsInRed, no he will never change. His dad is exactly the same.

@EllenOlenska, thanks for sharing your story. Sorry to hear you have been through a tough time. I feel with DH I am an inconvenience..at the end of the day, I never go out, do the majority of the chores, childcare,I work 5 days a week..while he is free to work as he wishes (I know its stressful) and stay in top hotels(although he says its not fun on his own, poor thing)! Not that I am bitter lol