Financial inequality in relationship - house buying and decisions

[DressRehearsal11]

This is going to be long, sorry.

I’ve been looking to buy my first house for over a year now. Have been with DP about three years. When I initially started looking I was going to be buying alone as we’d only been together for just over a year. However, since then, we’ve decided we’d like to live together. DP currently has everything tied up in the business he used to co-own: the plan was that when he sold his shares in the business early next year and had a deposit we’d buy a house together 50/50. The share sale now looks like it’s going to take at least another year or even two, but I want to move forward with a house purchase.

I’ve found a place I really, really like. It ticks virtually all of my boxes. Very few of DP’s. I can afford it solo. DP could just move in for the time being.

With my hard head on, I could say that whilst it’s DP’s plan to become co-owner eventually when he’s financially able to, at the moment he’s just a passenger and I’d be putting up all the money and all the risk. (I’ve been clear that I wouldn’t expect him to pay anything towards the house in terms of rent whilst it’s mine alone.) Therefore, I should do what’s best for me.

But I just feel like this is a total dick move. I am basically saying to him, I want this, I’m the one with the money so I get to make the decisions, this is my house, you’re welcome to like it or lump it. And that doesn’t seem very partner-like. His current financial situation is entirely unforeseen and due to his former business partner screwing him over: this time last year he was looking at cashing out of the business with enough to semi-retire on whereas now he can’t even sell his shares. It just seems like such a kick in the teeth for me to then effectively rub this in by buying a house entirely to suit me because I’m the one with the money.

I don’t want to miss out on getting on the property ladder with something which I think has so much potential. I also don’t want to damage my relationship. Honestly, if your DP pitched this to you, would you feel deflated and as though they didn’t see you as very important? I don’t know what to do.

This seems like a very personally decision you need to make. I would recommend speaking to your DP and see how he feels.

Do you see yourself being with your DP for a very long time? If so then I would consider including him more in the decision. However, if you're not completely sure of the relationship then proceed with what you want to do but be mindful that it could harm your relationship.

It’s totally understandable for you to buy a property yourself that suits you. Who knows what’s going to happen with your DO. However, if I was him I would assume you didn’t see the relationship as that serious, you were buying for yourself and I would be a visitor and I guess deflated too.

Honestly no I would completely understand. I know some people might not but you do have to protect yourself too and if you are paying for the entire house it is your house. To be honest, I would also expect them to contribute to rent as such assuming they are still getting an income? I would be splitting the cost of living there if you will both be living there! Maybe other people will feel differently though I just know if the shoe was on the other foot I would pay rent to my other half if I was living in a house they owned because I wouldn’t feel right for them to be paying for the full cost. If he has no money of course that changes things in that I wouldn’t take his last pound on him but really there should be an inbetween to being partners as such, neither should really being paying for everything in these particular circumstances (again assuming he has a wage coming in to contribute).

I'm in a sort of similar situation.

I've been with my partner for 2 years. I own and he rents as lost all his money in divorce and subsequently his business going bust.

We want to buy together but seeing as how he can't put anything more than a couple of thousand into it, I'm saying that the house will be solely in my name.

I know it doesn't sound very nice of me but at the age of 58, if we split up, he's not getting half the house that I bought.

It is coming between us but I'm afraid that's the way it is. Although I adore him, I'm determined to safeguard my future (he's been married twice before and each time did the leaving).

What Sally99 said. Sorry not sorry, but I'd stick to your guns, buy what you want, and see a solicitor to protect your investment. It's not a good idea to completely compromise your life for a potentially live-in boyfriend. He's getting the chance to live rent free, what's there to complain about? Just make sure he pays his fair share of the bills.

Buy the house in your name only and he pays you rent if he chooses to live there. Don't let gooey emotion get in the way. Learn from my mistake

At the end of the day he is just a live-in boyfriend. He is NOT your partner, or your husband, or even your Baby Daddy. Keep the property in your name. Let him live rent free if you want to, but don't give away interest in your property to someone who is not a permanent part of your life.

Thanks all for your views. Is I’m pretty certain if I explained to him how I felt he’d completely agree. But inside, I just feel like he’d be upset by it and hurt that I’m excluding him. To be clear, neither of us have any intention of him having any legal or financial interest in the property until he’s able to contribute financially in equal terms. And I’m kind of aware that if a woman was writing this post as something that her male partner was planning to do, there would be dozens of posts of “you deserve better!”, “he’s not that into you!”, “LTB, how can he claim he loves you when he wants your home, what should be your sanctuary to be all about his wants?!” etc etc. And it’s really not that I don’t see the relationship as serious or having the potential for life partnership: more that I’m not an idealistic youngster, I’m in my mid thirties, I’ve had a couple of long relationships, including one where we co-owned a property on equal terms, I know that love isn’t always forever. I’m realistic: as much as I hope DP and I will be together for the foreseeable, I don’t expect it iyswim. I’m also aware that I could stretch my budget, compromise on what I want, only for him to up and leave a few months later leaving me with a home I wouldn’t have chosen.

The not paying rent part is just a personal principle. He currently rents his own flat from a professional landlord who has no intention of selling etc, so has a proper tenancy agreement and all the security and benefits that come with that. On principle, I’d never ask anyone to give that security up and move in with me with effectively no security of tenure and pay for the privilege (although we’d go halves on council tax and utilities etc.)

Thanks again. I think I know what the answer is, I just need to find a kind way to put it to him.

that if a woman was writing this post as something that her male partner was planning to do, there would be dozens of posts of “you deserve better!”, “he’s not that into you!”, “LTB, how can he claim he loves you when he wants your home, what should be your sanctuary to be all about his wants?!” etc etc.

No. Not for me

It's the purchaser's money therefore the property is in the purchaser's name and he or she should charge rent .... however maybe your partner could purchase all supermarket shopping in lieu of rent?

I'd also check that he has no claim on the property should you split up

amp.ft.com/content/4192e51c-e41a-11e8-a6e5-792428919cee

I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure that you would be much safer to have a rental agreement in place with him even if it's only for a nominal amount. Please get legal advice before you let him move in as I've hurd of people having a claim on the property just because they helped to redecorate and pay towards repairs

So you’re buying a house for yourself. I think it’s kinder to be outright and to drop the pretence that you’re buying a house to later co-own together; since that would ideally take into account some of his preferences. I wouldn’t want to live in house that isn’t to my liking. Well you can off course sell up and buy another one together later on …

I would have no issue with a (saying you’re buying a house for yourself), wouldn’t be on board with b (pretending to buy a house to later on co-own and not take into account some of my preferences).

For what’s it worth; I couldn’t do it, buying a house without taking into account some of the wishes of the other person that is also supposed to live there. And I’m a cynic, also in my thirties (it’s different when you’re older) and burned before, doing so would set a precedent and possibly a bit of resentment. Later on (e.g: his financial fortunes turn) he could quite easily go but you… .

I think that sounds perfectly reasonable. Having seen what can happen with friends and family, I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I had only been with a few years (and presumably had never lived with before) and who I wasn’t married to. That isn’t to say that marriages don’t also break down, etc but I think if it’s too soon to make a legal commitment to each other, it’s probably too soon to throw yourself into a mortgage together (BIL currently struggling with lodgers and looking to have to sell a house he loves after he and his partner have broken up less than two years after they bought it, it’s been awful). Living together is fine and he can contribute in other ways.

I wonder if you can be certain when his shares will be sold, there is so much brexity uncertainty around. You can decide not to buy yourself now but that seems daft as you can't know how long you might be waiting to buy with him. Buying when it suits you is just protecting your financial future, you are not married so no one else is in the business of protecting it. If you do buy, he really should pay rent, even if a nominal amount.