Why am I so stubborn?

[lolaflores]

Have a friend of many years. We have been through good times, bad. Success. Failure. The kids growing up together and still friends.
In the last year or so she has had a lot on She has a stressful job. A parent passed in very sad circumstances (3 years ago) Unexpected health news.
A lot. For anyone.
I am here. Front and centre.
But there has been increasing incidences of lateness. Not turning up. Ringing at the last minute asking if we can reschedule coffee 2 hours later. In this instance I knew she had decided to take a cruise down the Thames. Shed put it on FB. I k ew shed been on a heavy session the ight before and was v hungover.
She has turned up for catch ups very hungover. Fragile.
She seems unaware if my life currently. FIL is dying. My DH is travelling 4 hours up and back to be with him most weekends.
I've started a ew job.
Hasn't noticed.
She never asks but she seems to want me on stand by as an emotional receptacle.
Last weekend put me over the top. I'm so hurt. I told her what we were dealing with and she was very sorry etc. Mt text was firm. Not nasty.
But I feel so hurt and taken for granted and am struggling to want to find a mid ground. DH says I am stubborn and I do feel like my heels are dug in.
I cant find any brain space for it.

I would feel the same :( - i have a few friends who only seem to want to talk when they are having problems - and like you say they have no idea whats going on in my life! Or the classic is they text saying "hey how are you? " and you reply yeah ok thanks how are you? And then boom........ you asked so they tell!!

I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL.
That's hard on everyone.
I must admit. I have a friend like this.
But we are not in constant contact and probably only get together once every 3-4 months (when she has some drama or other going on!)
But... we've been friends since school and I do love her dearly so I'm happy to sit and listen and give out advice (that she never takes)
So I'm not sure what to advise to be honest.
I think you need to do what is right for you in this situation.
Is she maybe drinking too much, too often?

Recognise the fishing text. Swiftly followed by a deluge.
And I dont drink so there is never an invite out to the meals or lunches. I used to hammer it but stopped some years ago. I feel like I dont fit in except as therapist.
Maybe just leave it till she has settled a bit

She's just not that into you.

Withdraw. Wait til she contacts you. If she turns up hungover to a pre arranged date, fuck her off home.

From your post, I'd suspect something is wrong with her. Her being hungover suggests she may have developed alcohol problems.

I'd worry more about her and her life than about being hurt.

lweji we have tried to address her drinking but, im not a therapist. Both our lives matter surely? And if she has a possible dependence and is unwilling, unablebto address it or seek help, then I have to limit the chaos? I am not a bottomlesss well of compassion and understanding and I feel taken for granted and I am struggling with the idea that that's all I am.

What's the stubborn bit?

You don't get invited out because you don't drink!?
How very odd.
I have plenty of friends who don't drink.
We don't exclude them from gatherings because of that.

Stubborn bit is why I cant be more forgiving. I keep asking myself to understand but there I'd a mule inside me that keeps saying no.

I am the only person friend has that doesn't drunk. We regularly got hammered. But since I stopped, we haven't been hanging out anywhere near as much. And when we do she turns up hungover, depressed and miserable. I have other friends who would never be arsed about me drinking or not. But it seems in this case it makes me somehow not part of things.

I feel that if I let this go then I have given in, allowing her to treat me in a crappy way. And I just cant get past it. My DH said I was stubborn and I agree but I dont want to be but finding it hard to get round it

we have tried to address her drinking but, im not a therapist. Both our lives matter surely?

Nobody expects you to sort her out, but if she is an alcoholic, she won't function like you. Just pointing out that there's no point in being hurt if she does have a drinking problem. Her poor behaviour towards you seems defined by her drinking.
You can choose to detach and not get involved.

It's hard to separate it and pt take it personally. Maybe I dont want to accept she has a problem. But I am starting to think she really does and it's scary.

www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/dealing-issues-high-functioning-alcoholic/#gref

drugabuse.com/7-not-so-subtle-signs-a-friend-is-struggling-with-alcoholism/

www.verywellmind.com/information-for-families-of-alcoholics-63317

I really appreciate that Lwiji. Very helpful

Alot of bells ringing in amongst that.

It's a shame. But please do not let it affect you.
If she does have a problem, be there for her when she needs you. Meanwhile, try not to take it personally.

That's the stubborn bit of me that I have to get round. Be a grown up