I’m worried about DH - even though he is ‘fine’

[Wagamama12]

Sorry if this is long but I’d really appreciate any views or advice.

My DH has been through the wringer this past 4 years. He lost both parents suddenly 4 and 2 years ago - they were perfectly healthy and in their early 60’s. For one parents he had to do a lot of caring (cancer) for 6 months before they passed away. The other parent was sudden. A few months after his Mum died we found out that we were unlikely to ever have children naturally due to male problems. We’ve had one failed IVF. He is also dealing with a lot of extra work due to solicitors etc sorting everything out with his parents. This is alongside his busy job. About two years ago I also had a bad injury which meant he had to care for me for 6 months. Overall it’s been awful and non stop issues to deal with.

However - he is arguably fine - in good spirits, our relationship is very strong and we are very happy together despite our infertility problems. I support him as much as I can and have a good family who make a massive effort with him. He has a good job, plenty of friends and I encourage him to go out for the odd drink with them every few weeks and he meets a group of them one evening a week for his hobby. He hasn’t cried in front of me about his parents since the funeral. Sometimes he gets quiet and when I ask him what’s wrong he says he’s thinking about them/feeling upset but this is very infrequent. I know he’s not particularly looking forward to Christmas obviously. Aside from losing his parents we were so hopeful we might be pregnant or have a child for this Christmas but instead nothing.

I’m just worried about him. I know people process grief in different ways so maybe he is fine - but I wonder if I should see if he will go talk to someone in case there are underlying feelings he’s suppressing. I’m also worried he’s in survival mode - keep going through ivf etc and I have also been told I may be a high risk pregnancy so I worry if we do end up with a baby that’ll he’ll just fall apart after having to keep going through ivf and then a potentially stressful pregnancy.

Am I just overreacting? Are some people just good at compartmentalising like he says he is? I’m worried it will all come to a head down the line. His parent did say after his other parents died that they had to all keep going and their parent wouldn’t have wanted them to not move on and live their lives so maybe this has helped him when losing the other parent?

Sorry I should have said he doesn’t have any extended family nearby that he is close to and only has one DSIS who is single so his family unit has also pretty much gone. His DSIS is lovely but not very supportive as obviously going through it all herself.

I am in a similar position after losing one parent and I can only speak from my own circumstances, but I put on a brave face and most of the time I am ok, but a lot of time’s I’m not and I just find it really difficult to communicate that to others as it’s always been me that’s been the jolly one. With that said, I do intend to go down the counselling route but just not yet as I’m not ready. I would say though, you know him better than anyone and the best thing you can do is be there for him when he does want to talk! I just know myself how difficult it can be to do if you don’t want to cry and get upset it can be a lot easier to just bottle it up and it certainly does result in Melt downs! But he is very lucky to have such an understanding and caring partner in you that wants to do their best for him. I found it was the lead up to the death and seeing the suffering and going down hill that did the damage to me rather than the actual death itself. If he was a primary care giver to his dad he would have seen a lot and it’s so much more upsetting and scary because even after they go you constantly replay the bad times and also feel guilty over silly things that in your head you think they might have suffered less if you spotted something or did something differently! The emotions can be very complex and hard to make peace with I have found! It sounds like you are doing a great job though in helping him even if it dosent feel like it!