Need advice - MIL/ GM in Chinese culture

[Namechangeforwhat]

NC for this.

DH and I have DS, born in June of this year.
His parents weren’t really involved in the pregnancy but visited DS every now and then after he was born (they live 20 minutes away from us, have a car and are in good health, both don’t work). MIL is Chinese.

The previous times she was here, I always let her hold DS but because he was very small, he still needed his head to be supported by the person holding him. MIL just let his head dangle over her arm whenever she was holding him. I hated it!
If anyone else would have done this, it would have been the last time they had held DS but because its his GM we just asked her (both me and DH) very kindly, several times, to be more careful with him. Eventually she freaked out about this to DH over the phone and then hang up, refusing to talk to us for several weeks and she has not seen DS from early August until today. MIL and FIL visited today to drop something off and the moment MIL saw DS, she grabbed him from my arms, holding him until she decided to put him in his playpen.
After he started crying, I scooped him up and held him to comfort him. MIL then made several attempts to take him from me again. I hate it when people try to took my DS away from me like that, she can hold him ofcourse but do not try to take my baby from my arms without asking first if it’s ok if you take him. Even if my DM or best friend would do this, they would be told off.

Because of how MIL previously reacted, I was afraid to speak up at that time but I told DH how it bothered me. His response is that this is normal in Chinese culture, just like it’s abnormal that we told her to be more careful with his head. Because she’s my MIL, according to DH, I should accept these things and say nothing if we follow Chinese tradition. I was wondering if anyone here can confirm if this is true indeed and give me some advice on how to handle this. I want to preserve a good relationship with MIL but my son’s safety is a priority above all and I want her to respect my role as his mum too.

Maybe it is normal in Chinese culture, but we're not in China. And I expect Ds is old enough now to be able to hold his head up on his own.

English MILs can be thoughtless too.

@Singlenotsingle

The issue isn’t now not supporting his head.
It’s feeling like I can’t tell her that I don’t like something like taking my son from my arms without her being deeply insulted because as a MIL, from her perspective, I should not say anything that could be perceived as criticism.

I'm English, my husband is british born chinese, my inlaws are Hong Kong chinese. My mil has never behaved like this.

Maybe this is an issue with your mil personally, not a chinese thing?

Only chinese traditions that I know of is to do with helping the new mother right after the baby arrives; preparing special nutritional foods, ginger baths and i've heard of mil sometimes moving in and offering to do housework/babysitting while new mum rests.

Also, I've told my mil I dont like the way she does stuff in my house (like rearranging the cupboards for eg.) And I've "told her off" about stuff she does for my daughter (like giving her first diy hair cut when I wasnt there) and she has never had a problem with respecting my decision and it has never provoked hostility or made her bear a grudge.

My mil is not a timid woman or a pushover and although she doesnt really speak English that well and I dont speak haka, we get on really well.

normal in Chinese

Has anyone else noticed many, many people living outside their country/cultural of origin, claiming what is 'normal' in their culture.

It always is exactly what they want to do.

It seldom takes any regard of changing culture in the country where they used to live.

So long as you are not relying on them to finance your lifestyle, a dime and the phrase 'in our house, we...' comes in very useful.

Good luck.

Dime??? I meant a smile and the phrase ..

I have an Indian MIL and my goodness I've noticed some cultural differences relating to the kids! I try to respect her culture but also have some boundaries. There are things that weren't acceptable to me and I had to put my foot down. Generally we respect each other and our cultural differences and all rub along nicely. I also would not like mum baby being snatched from my arms. I'd advise you to choose your battles wisely, don't sweat the small stuff but also be prepared to put your foot down if something is making you very uncomfortable.

Hmmm. My mum is Chinese and she’s a huge pain in the ass. Chinese families are quite matriarchal, it’s not abnormal for the DiL to be treated very poorly by the MiL.

Sometimes when you have a MIL from a different culture, you can explain away behaviours due to culture when actually they are just rude. Your DH is putting pressure on you to do things his mothers way. It might be that he is dealing with a dominant mother who requires that you conform to her needs rather than just because she happens to be from a different Country. I am not from China so I don't know but why should her needs trump yours?

Her behaviour is not due to her being from a certain country or about culture, its due to her wanting to do something when she wants to do it. The only person she cares about her is her own self. She is like this because her own parents likely treated her the same, you did not make her this way.

Both of you need to present a united front and have firm and consistent boundaries when it comes to his mother. He sounds like a wimp frankly when it comes to his mother and seems afraid of "upsetting her", he is making feeble excuses for her poor behaviour.

Agree with @FinallyHere, the culture excuse is a way to ride roughshod over your feelings and in this case baby's safety.

Ask your husband, if you politely never asked her to support your newborns head and he was injured would he be happy with himself for being such a mummy’s boy coward?

Tell her no, baby is upset you’ll let her have a hold when he’s calm.

She doesn’t give a shit about you and your baby, you need to be polite, calm and firm and not care about hurting her feelings.