Hi

[mike32]

As with many just looking for advice etc. I’m a single (sort of) father with custody of my 14 year old daughter.

Last July my daughter discovered that her mother and my soon to be divorced ex wife was having a affair. It’s the second time she’d done this but this was a lot different. The guy she had an affair with was my friend and I was supporting him and his two kids financial and emotionally as they’d lost there mother. My ex wife helped by being someone to talk to. I had no reason to not trust her. But somehow without picking up anything they’d began to see each other etc. They pulled the wool over my eyes very well.

After finding out, she left and is now still with him. But since July, I’ve been fighting hard and have got a divorce going through the final stages, taken the house and kept our daughter. I’ve struggled to get maintenance from her but the child maintenance people have forced her to pay. I’m working full time and work extra hours to provide everything possible.

My daughter has matured fast and helps out with cleaning etc. Gets to school on time and always messages me to say what she is doing. She enrolled into the army cadets as well.

Out of the blue I started chatting to a woman who’s had a rough time herself. We’ve been dating a lot, talking and generally getting on really well. I never had a trust issue before but it had just appeared out of no where. I don’t hide the problem and I’ve told the woman I’m seeing and she wants to help. I guess it’s normal? I mean I’m absolutely crazy about this person and I know she is about me. Something good has come my way and I don’t want to ruin a good opportunity.

Sometimes I think I should just walk away but majority of me just wants to move on a make a new life. Fighting to keep my daughter and the house was mentally exhausting. Plus it’s cost me dearly but it was worth it. My daughter has very little interest in seeing her mother. Any thoughts or opinions would be nice. Thank you

Hi op, welcome to mn

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Bumping for you

Maybe some counselling would help you with your trust issues
How do they manifest?

I just wanted to check regarding your daughter 'maturing really fast' and 'doing the cleaning'. What does that mean? You're working all these hours plus extra yet are the child's primary caregiver. Who is taking care of her needs when you're working overtime and with your new girlfriend?

I'd be focussing on the needs of my daughter before worrying about a new relationship.

Perhaps you are picking up on something and that's why you have issues trusting her. I mean you aren't even divorced yet and already you are 'crazy about' someone else. Sounds a bit fast. There are female narcissists and the like out there too and they are expert at getting too close to you too fast. Be careful. Your gut may be telling you she isn't genuine...because she isn't genuine.

Coming out of a relationship where you have been hurt...that's a tasty snack for predatorial sorts.

I noticed the "she does the cleaning" as well. Housework is not her job, you know that, right?

Yes where is your daughter when you are working all hours and ‘dating a lot’? Especially as she doesn’t see her mother.

Firstly, he's not and has not ever been your friend.

Secondly, both cheated you and don't deserve your trust again.

Focus on your daughter, forget these bastards and keep going with your life.

Yes where is your daughter when you are working all hours and ‘dating a lot’? Especially as she doesn’t see her mother

This!!

july 2019 or 2018? Either way it seems very quick to be in a serious relationship. Your teenage girl should be your main priority at this stage- I see my boyfriend once or twice during the week at most. (this week I haven't seen him at all yet as I've been out with friends instead) - my teens really need me. And we're 5 years down the line.

I think devote most of your spare time to be with your daughter - even if she's in her room and you're on your own, she'll appreciate that and feel more secure. You don't have to rush anything with your new gf.

Don't punish your future because of your past OP. It doesnt sound as if you're ready for a new relationship yet.

I'd be focusing on your daughter, she's at a tricky age and needs you around.

I'd be focussing on the needs of my daughter before worrying about a new relationship.

This. I have a daughter that age. They need a lot of attention. She should not be 'maturing fast', she's a child. You are rebounding and need to stop that now, FAR too soon to be diving into a relationship.

By “ last July” do you mean the one just gone or 2018? I think if you’re talking July 2019 then that’s way, way too soon to be jumping into a big relationship. It has the potential to be a massive “ rebound” relationship. Not that you don’t deserve some happiness but when do you see her? You might be willingly skipping out on dates but it’s quite a lot for a 14 year old to have to process an affair, divorce proceedings, not seeing her mother, new living circumstances and then her dad all hot and heavy over a new woman. I think you need to put the new woman on the back burner for a bit, establish a new routine at home, be present and ensure your daughter is able to be a kid. Sorry, probably not what you want to hear.

It's good to hear your DD is very mature OP and helps out with the cleaning. Make sure she's not taking on too much though. Whilst she should be clearing up her own mess, she's still a child and should not be taking on too much burden for housework. If you are "working full time and work extra hours to provide everything possible" then maybe see if you can spare some to get a cleaner in to tackle some of the chores?

I agree with pp that you need to make sure your DD is getting enough of your attention if you are working long hours and dating a lot. Your daughter needs to come first in your priorities.

I would also be interested to hear how your lack of trust manifests itself.

I love the way some posters paraphrase a small part of the OP to push their own silly little agenda

The op said ‘helps out with the cleaning’ not ‘does the cleaning’

They are very different things.

Anyway OP - dont throw your daughter undervthe bus just because you met someone. And it REALLY makes my teeth is when someone days ‘I am crazy about them and the feel the same’ - you dont know that.

Take your foot off the gas and slow down. Your daughter needs you right now, not a step mother