How to deal with STBXH lying about me to a mutual friend?

[HowdidIenduphere]

Going to shorten mutual friend to MF because it's shorter and possibly a bit easier to discern which friend I'm talking about.

For example one lie I was highly offended by hearing is that I'm apparently suicidal! I most certainly am not and never have been!

Unfortunately even though we still see each other regularly MF is closer to ex than me and I think the lies are having a noticeable effect on my relationship with MF.

I get the impression MF believes a lot of it but is being polite because they said once that they thought we were both at fault and it was probably a lack of communication that was the problem. MF also not answering texts or calls from me like previously either.

I also have a tie to MF through someone else very close to me and see that person on a regular basis too so MF and I will be in lots of social situations together in future regardless of how MF feels about me I guess because of this other person.

I'd honestly hate to lose MF friendship over total fabrications by my ex who is a long term friend of MF and a man who can sadly be very credible when he wants to be and good at crocodile tears to lend his tales of woe that added pinch of hard done by man. The bastard deserves an oscar! He fooled me for years and years until lovely people here pointed me in the right direction and my eyes were opened!

It's making an already painful divorce after a long term financially and emotionally abusive relationship even harder!

It's making me really bloody angry and I've cried a lot over the hurtful lies themselves and also the inability to do anything about it without making me look bitter or even more deranged than I've been made out to be!

What if anything can I do?

MF isn't a mutual friend, they are your STBXH's friend and flying monkey. Accept this and distance yourself from them. Unfortunately you may end up losing or reducing your friendship with the friend you and MF have in common,

You can talk to MF and tell them your truth, but other than that, there's nothing you can do. They will believe whatever they choose to believe. Your focus needs to be on creating a better future for yourself. That's the only thing you have control over.

Given your Ex’s personality it will be difficult for MF to maintain a relationship with both of you and you need to prioritise your sanity by making the decision to let them go. Don’t look at it as a win for your Ex but as a strategic decision you’re making to protect your well-being.

"MF is closer to ex than me "

accept this and move on. DO NOT engage in any 'clear the air' conversations.

There is a lot of information on this on YouTube 'how to deal with narcissist badmouthing' etc.

(the answer is, don't, by your actions you show who you are)

Say bye to MF . You will lose both MF and probably in laws too . It’s sadly the way it goes , even if they are the most abusive shit ever

Thanks folks, that reaffirms what I thought would be best.

Really hope it doesn't end up with me losing the other person MF and I know as that person is actually very important in my life - no relation to STBXH.

Sadly (because I actually really liked them) the inlaws are already a total write off from my perspective because although it hurts I know they are never going to believe anything other than what their precious son tells them, blatant lie or not.

Having been in MFs position I know two things. First, he or she will be compelled to pick teams. This will be down to the behaviour of your ex, who is probably pushing for MF to come down on one side or the other. Second, MF isn’t going to be taken in by your ex’s lobbying and lies. As he or she has said they have already seen fault on both sides.

I also expect he or she is giving you both a wide berth if your ex is going on and on. Unless they are extremely close, no one really wants to hear all the gory details over and over.

What @Windygate said to the T.

It is completely maddening, but really all you can do is wait for the "truth will out" moment.
One of my late DM's favourite sayings was, "Liars need good memories", and the fact is, being truthful is easier, in the long run, than maintaining a fiction.
Be realistic, it took you a long time to get wise to him yourself, so you may have to wait quite a long time for the truth to dawn on MF; you say yourself how convincing he is.
If MF brings up the matter, just say something like, "There's two sides to every story" and steer the conversation towards other things you have in common, the things that make you friends.
With any luck, if sides have to be taken, you will come across as the positive, upbeat person who holds no grudges. If not, you may have to cool the friendship, however regretfully.

I think you need to be realistic that during breakups it’s common for your ex’s family to “side” with them & to lose some mutual friends in the process. MF is your ex’s friend, be friendly with them sure but you have your friend & your ex has his. Would stop talking about personal things with MF & just love your life. So when your ex tells tales like how depressed you are, your actions will show your ex’s gossip is unfounded, because you don’t appear suicidal & seem like you’re getting on with your life.

Also you have to let go of people who gossip & are a conduit of gossip between you & your ex. These people thrive on drama.

@twoshedsjackson agree - have a few quips ready when you hear gossip. Saying mysteriously “always two sides” and leaving it unsaid is great. Also look confused or laugh & say “ooh that’s a new one!”