To tell her or not

[Sophie0579]

Ex -husband has been begging me to take him back for about 9 years now, whilst all the time having girlfriends. I considered it last year and we started spending some time together (without getting our children involved) and he promised me he'd finished with his gf at the time. Turns out he hadn't and was stringing us both along. This time he's begging me again to take him back, whilst living with his current gf and still going away for romantic weekends with her. I feel like he's taking advantage of me and these gf's and everytime he gets away with it and I say no to him and he sticks with the current girlfriend and I say nothing so the gf is always none the wiser. I'm fed up with it. Should I continue to keep quiet for the sake of a quiet life, acceptable relations with him (being the father of my children) and to not upset the gf or should I tell this one what he's doing behind her back? Why should he continue to get away with this?

Never mind his string of clueless girlfriends why are you entertaining this bollocks despite knowing exactly what he is like ?

I only considered it last year. I was lonely and feeling low and he convinced it was best for the children. We just started spending time together. All the other years I adamantly said no

"All the other years...."

You are engaging with this crap on a regular basis. Just shut it down, properly.

He can only take advantage of you if you let him.

Do you want him back?

If not tell him to stop begging or you'll tell his GF, as your fed up with it.

That should put a stop to it.

He seems untrustworthy if you were considering getting back with him.

Imagine how disappointed the kids would have been if they thought you'd get back together.

That's exactly why I didn't involve the kids. I'm not asking whether or why I should get back with him. I've already answered that myself. I'm asking if you think I should show him up for what he really is and tell her and not let him get away with this with another woman

he convinced it was best for the children

What about what's best for you?

Or could it be in his interest financially to reconcile?

Why did you split up?

I don't think you should engage in any drama whatsoever where he is concerned

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

I'm asking if you think I should show him up for what he really is

Here's your answer

tell him to stop begging or you'll tell his GF, as your fed up with it.

That should put a stop to it.

Yes I haven't because I didn't want the drama. But why should he just go back to his life with her and I keep his dirty secret. it's not fair or her or I, it's only benefitting him

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

Exactly... you still feel something for him on some level.

Otherwise you wouldn't give a damn about him 'getting away with it'.

Getting away with pursuing you and begging you to reconcile while he has a partner?

He is a dickhead whether his current girlfriend is aware of it (yet) or not

How would it "benefit" you to create a load of drama ?

He’s stringing everyone along because he’s allowed to.

I'm the mother of his children so I'm not ever going to be completely indifferent to him. But I do not love him anymore or want him back. I'm just annoyed that he is willing to lie to me and the gf's for his own pleasure

Would you like to know if you were the GF?
I vote to tell her because if I was her I'd want to know that he is only sticking around due to your rejection and then at least she can make a fully informed decision as to whether she stays with him. Just be prepared for hate mode from ExH.

But why should he just go back to his life with her and I keep his dirty secret.

His dirty secret if begging you to reconcile?

it's not fair or her or I, it's only benefitting him

What exactly isn't fair on you.. him begging you isn't fair?

How exactly is it benefitting him? I don't see the benefit in getting rejected. Unless there's more you aren't saying.

I'm sensing that he knows your still interested, hence he keeps trying.

Telling his GF will cause unnecessary stress that won't benefit your DC.

Think about that.

I guarantee the gf will not believe you

When you were still starry eyed about this loser would you have listened to an ex of his ?

What are we talking about here - you sleeping with him from time to time?

You also know about the girlfriend. And so I guess you're also a bit implicated in what's going on. If it were me I'd:

Either stop sleeping with him and tell him he's got a gf so can't have me too (sounds obvious, I know, but he is a bloke 😅)

Or (if you like having him as your booty call - after all, he is your children's father) tell him you can't do this with him also having a gf, so he needs to ditch the gf. No gfs allowed.

To be honest, it really sounds like option one is the most sensible. Stop seeing him, leave him with his gf(s), find someone else.

But I'm afraid that although you say you don't love him, it doesn't sound like that.

Oh, and the one thing I wouldn't do would be to tell the current gf. None of her business. This is between you and him. And you seem still to be the no. 1 for him. So maybe just decide honestly what you want, and tell him.

It sounds like he wants you. And I suspect you want him too. But not to live together again. So big decision time.

Lottelupin
You have it completely wrong. I'm not annoyed because I love him and I most certainly have not slept with him (unlike him I don't agree with being unfaithful). My anger is that he goes on and on at me about getting back together and saying he'll dump his gf for me despite me saying I don't want to be back with him. I relented last year when I was feeling low and thought it might be good for the children but even then we only spent time together. But he lied to me then saying he wasnt with his gf and I'm just feel he's being a liar and untrustworthy and why should he be allowed to carry on and I keep my mouth shout.

In that case you need to make it clear to him that you are NEVER going to get back with him and just contact re children. Forget about him and his GF . Less drama the better for you and your children.

Sorry hadn't understand - ok then I would just reinforce what penguin says - make it really clear you don't want him (by keeping communication to a minimum), but just leave him to it with whatever gf. Do you want to tell her that while being with her, he's been trying to get back with you, but you don't want him? This has been the dynamic between you for so long. I don't think it's her business. His new relationships will only have a chance of working when he truly understands you're gone. So you need to go. And then he can properly commit to someone else.

Don't tell her. Just remove yourself so they have a chance.

Look this was well over a year ago, uou know he's scum. Why try to not cause more drama. Let it go and stop getting so emotionally invested, treat him like the father of your children and no more.

I feel like he's taking advantage of me
YES - but YOU are allowing it to happen.
Shut down any conversation with him other than ones about access.
Why are you even listening to his bullshit.
It's been 9 years.
It's time to move on from this wanker.
Don't get involved at all.
Grey rock anything he communicates other than times and dates for access.
Stop sabotaging your own future.
Stop worrying about what he is doing with GF etc.....
You need to disengage totally!

Does he ever say this stuff by text/message etc of is he such a sneaky b he always does it verbally?

If not, forward the messages to his gf (presuming you can get her in SM). Job done. And she can't disbelieve you if it's in black and white.

*or