Should I tell her the truth or let it go?

[ANewUsername]

Earlier this year I really hit it off with someone at work. We started hanging out and there was a definite connection.

I wanted to spend time with her, so took up running and joined her running club.

We got quite close, then suddenly she started ghosting me.

Being ghosted is awful, and if I’m honest, it made me want to be with her even more. I contacted her a few times but she either didn’t reply, or gave curt responses.

We didn’t speak for a couple of months and then had to chat again due to work - she asked if we could speak because things felt a bit awkward.

I was a bit cowardly tbh and didn’t bring up the ghosting thing as I didn’t want to potentially ruin us being friendly again.

She mentioned things got a bit intense, and with the work connection, she backed off. She then started saying she gave me the wrong idea, implying all the contact we had previously was no more than friendship. I’m not so blinkered to misinterpret what happened, especially as she did a lot of the running.

Hearing this, I panicked a bit and stupidly told her I wasn’t interested in her that way, she’d misunderstood and that in fact I’m married.

My marriage ended nearly 2 years ago and we’re not legally divorced yet, but we’re definitely not together.

After this, things went weird again for 6 months or so, with only periodic contact.

Recently, we’ve been working on projects again and started being friendly and hitting it off. We have similar outlooks and personalities, and really get on well in person.

We were chatting a few weeks back and I mentioned a dream I’d had with her in it, totally innocent! It was a work dream with loads of colleagues in it.

Suddenly, she’s pulled right back again and is now not responding or is using short responses.

I never told her the truth about why I took up running (which perhaps led to the perception of intensity) or about my marriage I.e. I wasn’t being a sleaze with a wife at home whilst showing interest in her.

So, I guess my question is, should I ask her if we can talk like adults and I can explain everything, or should I let it go and put up with the weirdness when we have contact through work?

I like her and would happily be friends, but I’m aware I’m too close to this to think objectively.

I’ll be honest and a bit brutal with you here as no-one else has answered yet..it seems very much like she isn’t interested in you (yet?).
But, I’d be put off by a man joining a club just to (stalk?) be around me and then maybe she found out you were married, who knows?
The fact that you did the (typical) male thing of protecting your ego by saying you were married rather than be honest and just say what you were thinking/feeling has probably not been lost in her either. And I couldn’t trust you if I found out that you played games with me, even if it was just intended as a defence mechanism.
I’m all for straight talking but...I also hate flirting, so I’m maybe not the best source of advice on here.
Just try talking - and this time be honest, even if it’s tough!

I don’t think your communication skills are compatible with each other. Seems like a lot of assumptions and guessing and no actual talking or being honest goes on

It does sound though like every time she tries to level out the playing field into the friend zone you intentionally or unintentionally make it a bit weird again. I would back off

Thanks both! I'm fine with brutal :)

She only found out I was married when I told her. She can be reserved and closed off at signs of stress, so I guess I assumed that could have accounted fur dune if her behaviour.

Definitely didn't want, or intend, to come across as stalky! I've been out of the dating game for so long that perhaps I was defensive and unsure. It's a bit of a harsh lesson.

She's lovely and very off the wall personality- wise.

My fear is, if I'm honest now, that might seem too intense again?

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Apologies for the typos - intellisense on my phone is awful.

Tbh OP I think you need to leave the poor girl alone

I’d have been well freaked out if you’d joined my running group.

I would have literally run a mile in the other direction if you joined my running club. That was a really creepy thing to do.

She's not interested. You have misread the situation. There is no way to make her want you because she isn't interested so leave her alone.

She’s a work colleague.
You felt the connection but she didn’t.
She ghosted you because she felt uncomfortable and you still didn’t get the hint.
Getting on well with a work colleague doesn’t equal having a connection. And mentioning the dream clearly made her uncomfortable.
Try and remain professional in future.

I would move on, OP. I think you want something that she doesn't - better leave her alone and start to look for other company.

Perhaps she was just being friendly and polite OP. Women in general are socially conditioned to be polite rather than blunt. She is clearly pulling back because she doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea or lead you on. Just walk away and move on. Maybe go on some dates with women outside of work!

Move on.
People of both sexes would save vast amounts of heartache if they realised that connection/chemistry can be totally one sided

I think you’re seeing what you want to see - and if not then she doesn’t sound like someone I’d want a relationship with.

Are you male or female? I’m only asking because it might be relevant.

Also, is she single or in a relationship.

She might just be someone who blows hot and cold, likes the idea of a close friendship/flirty Friendship but when it looks like something might actually happen she realises she only want the chase.

I would stop trying to analyse her, she doesn’t seem interested.

Thanks for the new responses!

I think the consensus is definately to move on :D

To clarify a few of the points above, and hopefully not appear so creepy! The running club is a national one with 2000+ members.

Also, before everything seemed to go bad, she was the one asking me to go to lunch with her, inviting me out for post work dinners etc

She'd message me throughout the day and late into they night. Some of the messages suggestive and flirty.

We'd actually had a really good lunch the day before she suddenly cut contact. After it, she asked me to miss my next meetings so we could spend more time together.

Then suddenly nothing, with no explanation.

I only mention this to show it wasn't me being deluded and harassing someone.

God it all sounds ridiculously complicated like some sort of farce. Surely 2 adults can work out and say if they are interested or not. I think if someone ghosts you then it's a not.

She sounds hard work and you might never figure her out.

She might also do this with lots of other people.

Plenty more fish in the sea😊. she Sounds high maintenance, perhaps a lucky escape😊

Maybe she has been hurt before? Or maybe she does feel a connection but likes her job and is trying to be professional??

I’d stop pursuing. She’s giving you clear signs and indication she’s not interested so I’d un-join the running club and find someone else who reciprocates your efforts

@Heartburn888 I'm not pursuing as such. Due to circumstances, we've been seeing a lot more of each other recently, and she's been setting up extra meetings with me to chat over things not exactly work related.

Just before the recent weirdness, she asked me if I wanted to go with her to an after work drinks event.

Also, the running club. I'm not particularly involved in it now, but in periods when we were speaking, she was asking me to be more active in it - so I ran a number of events and fundraisers which she helped with.

@ISawyouinTescoyesterday She's in therapy over a 10 year relationship which ended about 18 months or so back.

@Dollymixture22 As I type this all out, it definitely sounds like too much effort! She's not what you'd imagine for high maintenance. She doesn't do make up, is very hippy (we've done activism together) and is fairly off the wall. It's these things I like about her as they're not common within my circles of friends, but it's very much aligned with my outlook on life. I guess her personality is the hook i'm finding difficult to extract myself from!