Failing as a wife and a mum

[Spaceandtime]

I’ve never posted before - just looking for a hand hold, maybe a nod from anyone who has ever felt like this.
Have two DC, DD is 7, DS 5, married for 8 years to DH who is a Highly Extroverted and Tricky Character.
Our relationship is a mess. His income fluctuates. I’m a high achiever and high earner. PND for years then sought help and now I’m ‘stable’ but only due to medication. DH very loud and can be irritable, shouty, critical and projects stuff onto me. I’m not blameless but very worn down, have withdrawn last few months. Children very extroverted but oldest DD also aspergic traits and I don’t take naturally to being a mother - huge introvert and resent it really. . Constant arguments at home. DCs Behaviour at school starting to deteriorate. I’m looking up how to get a divorce. Feeling very numb, like this will let EVERYONE down. Most of all kids. Can’t make decisions about the simplest thing and just feel utterly overwhelmed.

Any ideas?

I think follow your user name. But not so easy with kids.
Not everyone are natural parents or even enjoy being a parent but this will be clouded by pnd and the fact that you know you cant just walk away from the kids, even if its just to collect your thoughts

Do you have anyone to talk to ? I think everyone feels overwhelmed at times

I did for a while but that stopped some time ago. I’m a bit of a coper! I think I probably come across as being OK. Space and time would be wonderful (one day). Maybe all it needs is to prioritise this now for me. But very definitely failing at most things that everyone else just seems to take in their stride.

Working in the financial / legal sector everyone expects you to be high powered at home as well as at work but (I think) work is easy, it’s DH and DCs and the day to day that seems hardest.

Can you get a weekend day "off" all to yourself and go and recharge? Short term it may help you see the wood for the trees.

Does H do hands on parenting and his share of the load?

Could you go and talk to your GP and tell them how overwhelmed and stressed out you are feeling?

First, get some help for home. Don’t worry about cost. Whatever that is - a trusted nanny/housekeeper who your kids can build up a relationship with, a cleaner, both? Take all the non-emotional home labour just right off your plate

Then take a weekend away. You will feel like there are all sorts of reasons you can’t do this. Just ignore them and go. You’ll be amazed at how quickly you start to recentre.

Re your DH - how can you best communicate how you’re feeling? Letter? Conversation over glass of wine? Do that.

Thanks stealthbanana RandomMess egoontoast Wherearemymarbles These are all good suggestions - this is so strange having watched so many threads and never started one! But yes - all about regaining some perspective. H does do a lot around house and with kids but gets irritable fairly quickly. And when I feel low in energy I probably drop various tasks at home which doesn’t help.
Mind saying all the reasons Making changes won’t work but it’s time I stopped hiding and took a few steps to get some headspace.
We’ve booked a walk and talk day (wine never helps!) in a couple of weeks. Hopefully will be able to get some stuff off my chest.
A day out for me at the weekend - seems a remote possibility but maybe....

And practical help would be a dream - never feels like we are ‘worth it’ somehow but I want to enjoy being a mum - I need a superwoman (or man!) in my house to help with the other stuff so I have energy to focus on family. (Saying that feels so pathetic!- on a real downer tonight.)
Lots to think on

Why can't you get a break? You are a high earner and otherwise independent. Take some time for yourself. Your dh and dc will have to manage. I go on holiday by myself - no dh or dc - at least once a year. It's usually only for 3-4 days, but it's wonderful. I'm happily married, enjoy my career and family life, but it's still absolutely necessary to get some time to yourself and get some perspective on life. I think this is especially the case when you are struggling. Everyone needs a break sometimes and it sounds like you need to prioritise you for a bit. Then come back with a clear head about what's next.

If you were a male high earner with an extroverted and loud wife it is likely that you would be doing less at home than you do now and society would be telling you that was your birthright. There is probably a middle point between where you are and where that guy is that is still equitable.

Is there a reason you can't go away by yourself for a weekend?

I assume you don't work weekends?

Your DC aren't infants so you should be able to find some more time for yourself.

You said your DH income fluctuates. Is he working full time and does it actually pay? I'm sure you've read plenty of posts where the DH has some job that takes 60 hours a week but might bring in 100 a week.

What are the arguments at home usually about?

OP I've been in a similar state where it all just gets a little overwhelming, and particularly if you're the 'fixer' then it can feel like you're being over dramatic or self absorbed to take that time for yourself. However I can't stress enough how much better you'll feel for talking to a professional about this.

Imagine if your daughter or best friend approached you with this, I'm sure you'd advise them to take advantage of any support they had to hand and it shouldn't be any different to yourself. Just because you've been living in a certain situation for a while it doesn't mean you can't change it.

I've recently taken more ownership of how I react to issues outside of my control, it's taken 12 years and at times has been almost too much to handle but it's been worth every cry, every bad day, because I know I've been working towards a better life overall.

We live in a society where there's help when we need it so please take care of yourself and don't be afraid to take control of your own wellbeing

I’d start with talking therapy
Your MH sounds wrecked and you can’t make any critical decisions in this state

It’s a tricky situation and a decent therapist will massively help