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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any advice gratefully received

24 replies

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 17:33

Hi all. I’m new here. Have been told to come to this forum some advice.

I have been with my husband for 8 years. We got married 4 years ago and have 2 young sons, 6 & 1. He started his own business 18 months ago.
We rent our house and have recently had to move due to our previous landlord selling our old property.
Since I started my new job after my ML in March I have been covering 80% of all household bills (some months it is 100%)

I appreciate he has recently started his own business but surely if it isn’t working he should get a job again? I feel I can’t approach him about it as he will bite my head off, he’s very hard tempered and has done this before when I have confronted him about stuff.

I am really becoming to resent him. It is affecting my and my children financially and I am so worried about Christmas as all my wages goes straight on the rent and bills, which are now becoming behind.

I really don’t know what to do and I sometimes feel we would be better off without him.

OP posts:

Mintjulia · 27/11/2019 17:40

If he isn't earning anything, maybe he could work three days a week to bring in more and focus on his business for the other two days plus the weekend. There has to be a compromise here somewhere.

What do you mean by "hard tempered"?

Lozzerbmc · 27/11/2019 17:40

Its hard starting a new business and it takes a long time to get going particularly in this economic climate. However if after 18 months he cant pay himself anything much then he needs a rethink. Can he get a job as well and do the business part-time for now? I think you need to have a serious discussion about it. Its not fair on you at all

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 17:43

He has been hard tempered in the past. Just last night he was awful to me and called me “fcking immature” and shouted at me as he was wasting a treat I bought for my sister. I purposely hide treats etc from him as I cannot afford to buy more and he eats them!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 17:44

He is completely against getting a “job” it’s infuriating. He doesn’t even mention the fact I am covering all the bills either. When I have bought it up with him he has thrown the fact he had to support me whilst on ML.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2019 17:47

I feel I can’t approach him about it as he will bite my head off, he’s very hard tempered and has done this before when I have confronted him about stuff.

You are in an abusive marriage. He uses verbal/emotional violence to keep you quiet and in your place. He keeps you scared so you'll shut up and go along with him.

You would 100% be better off without him.

Lozzerbmc · 27/11/2019 17:48

So he was working whilst you were on maternity leave? But you were supporting him too ... looking after his children so he could work... are you happy with him? He doesnt sound nice...

Lozzerbmc · 27/11/2019 17:49

He shouldnt make you feel you cant say anything to him thats really wrong too

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 17:50

Yes he was working, I was getting SMP so I did contribute but he keeps throwing that in my face. I am becoming less and less happy with him. I am resenting him now. He isn’t bothered at all that I am struggling and the children are going without.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 17:52

I am currently sat downstairs and he walks in and doesn’t even acknowledge me! Like I have done something wrong.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 27/11/2019 17:54

I agree with this

You are in an abusive marriage. He uses verbal/emotional violence to keep you quiet and in your place. He keeps you scared so you'll shut up and go along with him.

You would 100% be better off without him.

Noone should be afraid to speak to their partner, relationships should not be like this.

LizzieSiddal · 27/11/2019 17:56

Your children will also be aware that their father is angry/shouting/sulking.

He needs to either stop doing all of those things, or leave so that you and your children can live in calm and peace.

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 17:58

I am absolutely petrified on how to approach this with him. If I ask him to leave I know he will get nasty and make out it’s all my fault.

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 27/11/2019 18:20

You poor thing, do you have a friend or a relative who could be with you, if you want to ask him to leave?

Women's Aid is also very good at giving advice and support.

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 18:36

I’ve been told about women’s aid. My sister would come and support me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 19:35

Have just had it out with him and apparently it’s all my fault because I asked him for a car to do the school run ( it’s 30 minutes each way!) so he gave me his old car and he got a nice new one! Is this my fault? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

CruellaDeVille2019 · 27/11/2019 20:00

Do you own your house or rent?
If you are currently paying all the bills then you can afford to live without him.
What benefit does he actually bring to your family?
You should never feel frightened to discuss problems such as lack of money with your spouse. This is abuse.

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 20:02

We rent. The tenancy agreement is in my name and I pay all the household bills.

I guess things have been stale for a while, I am getting to the point where we are only together for the children’s sake and I don’t want that.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2019 20:05

Thank god you don't own the house and it's in your name. Chuck the prick out and change the locks.

Original poster

Ljrees83 · 27/11/2019 20:07

Thank you. Am going to tell him to ho tomorrow when the children aren’t here.

OP posts:

CruellaDeVille2019 · 27/11/2019 20:49

It would be worth calling the police 101 number a few hours before you tell him that you want him to leave. Explain that you are in an abusive relationship, the house is rented in your name and you are scared about what he will do when you tell him that you want him to leave. They should be able to put something in place to help keep you safe, even if that is marking your address as a priority. Good luck. You can do this. Life will get better. In the meantime, please keep yourself safe

LizzieSiddal · 28/11/2019 07:52

Good luck today, Cruella is correct, yours and your children’s lives will be much better without him.

Techway · 28/11/2019 08:07

I left my ExH when I realised I was scared of him. There is nothing worse than feeling unsafe within your own house with the man who is supposed to love you. No conversation should make you feel like this.

He is defensive and blaming you and by being aggressive he thinks you won't raise issues.

Financial stress does cause many arguments between couples but it should never get to the stage you are at.

Does he look after the children whilst you work?

SpicyRibs · 28/11/2019 08:26

Is he frustrated in himself for the business not working out? Feelings of failure (and then taking them out on you)?

Getting a regular job would be admitting failure of the business. It would take a mature and sensible individual to put their hands up and do this (even if only temp/part time) to actually help support the family finances.

bullyingadvice2017 · 28/11/2019 08:36

So you pay everything already. You sort the kids. Bet you do everything in the house too.

So just for a minute think about still doing all those things. But without him and all the shit He gives you and stress in your life due to him.

Imagine still paying all the bills ( you know you can) sorting everything else yourself like you already do. But in a home where you have things how you like and when you like without having to put up with his nasty shit.

He is verbally abusive at the very least and I'd imagine there's other things that you haven't said there that won't be too great either.

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