Is this normal?

[Hotapplecider]

I hope I’m posting in the right place - it’s about relationships in the sense of family relationships.

My parents live about 280 miles from me (a drive of about 5.5 hours). I am seriously ill so not able to travel to their house for Christmas. I suggested that the whole family (my parents, my two sisters, my niece and I) rent an Airbnb for several days in the city where I’m living, so that we could all spend Christmas together. (One sister and her daughter live quite near here; for the other, it’s a similar distance to here as to our parents’ house. My flat is too small for us all to stay in.) My sisters were really up for the idea and one of them spoke to our parents about it. They said they didn’t want to as they are “getting old” and “it’s too far to travel”. My mum is 68 and my dad is 69. They are in good health, and my dad travels abroad a few times a year for work, including to the US. (But it’s not as if he’s travelling all the time, in which case he might need a break from it.) So the plan is that my sisters and niece will come to mine for a couple of days, then drive to our parents’ house after lunch on Christmas Day. I’m very grateful that my sisters are doing this, but feeling a bit hurt that my parents didn’t want to spend Christmas here, as a result of which I’ll be on my own for half of Christmas Day and for Boxing Day and the rest of the Christmas period. I’m curious - if you’re a parent, would you do the same as mine? Do you think their behaviour is normal?

Can’t they just do Christmas Day? Several days is a bit much in all fairness

I was thinking that if they were going to travel all this way then it would be nicer for them to have a few days in between the journey here and the journey back (and we normally spend several days together as a family over Christmas). But if they’d been up for coming for a shorter time, that would have been great too! As it is, my parents don’t want to come at all.

By the way, when I say “several days”, I’m thinking less than a week.

Hm, if my daughter was totally alone and ill, and seemed to want me to visit, I probably would. But I'm only 50. My mother has been saying for some years now that she can't visit me any more (1.5-hr flight and 2h train journey), and that seems fair enough to me when you're retirement age.

68/69 is no age at all, if they’re fit and healthy they should come because you are seriously ill and alone, not just because it’s Christmas. I’m 57, if my adult DDs want/need me it takes wild horses to keep me away.

Thank you for the replies. @TigerDater You sound lovely!

If they didn’t do other long journeys, it would make more sense to me. But if the US is not too far to travel for work, I’m finding it odd that a journey within England is “too far”.

(And by the way, a journey to the US for my dad involves a journey of 5 hours or so to the airport in addition to the flight and travel the other end.)

I am 63 and I don't have my own biological children, although I do have my partner's three children. If we have a chance to go and visit them, I absolutely relish it. For example, daughter #2 now lives in Paris and in October we drove over to see her, and deliver some of her things. The trip was hard work, and entailed a long drive punctuated by a ferry journey with me being the only driver. We had to stay in Airbnb accommodation as my daughter's place isn't large enough. Guess what - I loved it and would cheerfully do it again tomorrow.

I think your parents are being selfish, particularly with you being ill. Your proposed solution sounded ideal and I don't see they have much to dislike.

Hmm there is maybe more to this than meets the eye. What is your sisters’ take on it?

Perhaps your parents view Christmas Day like every other day and just can’t be bothered making effort for something they aren’t really bothered about. Not everyone feels the excitement of Christmas. I don’t imagine they don’t want to see you they prob just feel it’s a lot of hassle and are looking forward to seeing you another time perhaps even when the weathers better.

I will be alone a lot of it too and that suits me fine. Planning on a jammies day eating crap on Boxing Day. Can’t wait. Christmas I have plans for half the day and the other half relaxation. I like my own company and my sky box though. I appreciate not everyone does.

My parents view Christmas as a big deal, and normally my sisters, niece and I spend Christmas at their house, where they have a Christmas tree, decorations, and tons of Christmassy food. Staying at an Airbnb would have saved them the bother of getting rooms ready at their house and doing laundry afterwards.

My sister who spoke to them about it reported to me what they said - that they don’t want to come - and I don’t want to create an argument about it so I accepted my sister’s suggestion of her, her daughter and my other sister coming to mine without our parents, then them going to our parents’ house.

I have not actually asked my sisters what they think of my parents not coming as that would put my sisters in an awkward position, and I don’t want to do that.

Incidentally, one of my sisters and I have both lived abroad in the past, in countries s long way from the UK, and we both travelled back to England (at our own expense) to spend Christmas as a family. Also, when I was a teenager, my dad lived abroad for a couple of years, and for the two Christmases that he was abroad, we all went to spend Christmas with him.

I haven't been in the UK at Christmas for 20 years. Each to her own.

There may be reasons for your parents' attitude but, based on what you've told us, it seems rather cold-hearted to me and I completely understand why you're hurt. In your shoes, I would be hurt, too. Assuming your parents are reasonably healthy, and it sounds like they are, 68 and 69 are no age at all. And they don't have to drive, do they – couldn't they do the bulk of the journey by train? My parents-in-law are well into their 80s and my dad and step-dad are in their mid-70s and they zip around all over the place. You're seriously ill (PS – wishing you a speedy recovery) and for that reason if no other, as a parent, I would want to be with you at Christmas not insisting on an arrangement that not only means that they won't be with you on Christmas Day but that your other family members are obliged to leave you half-way through Christmas Day also. From what you say, it sounds like you've always gone to them for Christmas so perhaps they're just very set in their ways but really they should use a bit more imagination about it.

Why don’t you speak to your parents yourself and find out what’s going on with them. Perhaps one is ill and they don’t like to worry you? Or do they not believe you are ill if it’s a hidden type of illness and think you are at it or something and are annoyed?
I’m having difficulty in understanding why they don’t want to visit their sick child at Christmas. I’m trying to find some reason but I can’t. Could your sister have told them you don’t need the hassle of their visit as you are ill and they do want to come but she’s put them off?

Thank you very much for the posts (and the good wishes, @Dery!) It's interesting and somehow kind of comforting to know that other people are also finding this difficult to understand.

My parents could do the whole journey by train. I really don't think either of them is ill, as they lead busy, active lives - my dad working, my mum doing lots of leisure activities.

I don't think I'll speak to them myself, as they've made it clear via my sister that they don't want to come here, so if I ring them and ask why not it would probably come across as me not accepting their decision, and I don't want to create an argument. I'm sure that my sister wouldn't have put them off coming, as she knows that it was my idea for the family to come to the city where I live, and that I was keen on the idea, and as we would have all stayed in an Airbnb it wouldn't have been a hassle for me.

As you say, @Dery, it could be that they're set in their ways. I wonder also whether people sometimes close off emotionally from a family member when they're ill, if they're finding the idea of illness hard to deal with? Certainly my sisters are not doing this, but I wonder whether my parents could be. I am really baffled by the situation.

Interesting thought as to whether they might be disbelieving that I'm too ill to travel to theirs - I guess that is a possibility.

I'd be disappointed in them if I were on your shoes. They sound lazy and or uncaring, frankly.

My mum is 70 and would think that was a great plan. She would just want us all to be together in whatever way works.

Your mum sounds lovely!