Dad with OCD/major anxiety over relationship

[calumJ]

Hello, I was hoping someone may have advice or can identify with my situation. I've been with my partner now for over 3 years and we have a 1-year-old son, who we both adore.

When I met her those years ago, I was about 18 months out of a very long-term relationship (where I was dumped out of blue & heartbroken) and a year after death of my mum. I was in the middle of a stupid 'man whore' phase where I was doing a lot of dating and one-night-stands. We agreed to keep things casual at first, which suited me perfectly. However I noticed she started to develop more feelings, which shocked me a bit.

Because I wasn't looking to commit I initially tried to ignore it but as time went on, I got to know her as a person a lot more and found that I really liked her - and after a few months I knew I wanted her to be my girlfriend. But part of me still had that 'were you done being single?' thought. I am a very anxious person who obsesses over thoughts. I def have a history of anxiety and self-doubt.

Fast forward a few years and we have travelled the world together, sharing amazing times, lots of fun and great sex and had a baby together. But every so often I get this worry of "oh do you love her enough?" "are you truly in love?" "where has that 'in love' feeling went today?"

It's incredibly frustrating because I can point to many times where I have been very happy with our life and how much I love her. I just get so down and feel awful guilty when I get these questionable thoughts. Everything I've written here I have told her, because I am always open and honest to her. The idea of ever hurting her destroys me. But as she has told me, nobody ever feels that "intense" feeling all the time - and no love is the same. She says she has had her negative thoughts too but she just wants us to be there for each other. She believes it is my anxiety that I constantly feed and make it worse.

She says when the anxiety isn't in the driver's seat she can see the real me. I think that's a lovely thing for someone to say. How can I help this situation? It's almost like I 'NEED' to feel that love sensation, and when I don't - I panic. Does anyone have advice or know what I am going through? We are both 31 years old. Thank you.

The emotions I have experienced while falling in love with someone and while being in love with them some years down the line are two entirely different things. Obviously that is just my take on the situation.

I have been with my current partner for 16 years and there are times when it might seem that we are together out of habit (not a bad habit, I hasten to add), but then there are occasions when out of nowhere comes this incredibly intense feeling of love for her and a realisation that I am unbelievably lucky to have her in my life. For the past few months we have had a life change in that the youngest has gone to university and we have suddenly felt this incredible love for each other.

I am pretty sure that having a little person in your lives changes how you feel about each other and even affects how you express that love. I feel that you have to sit back and enjoy the journey sometimes and see where it takes you.

You could potentially start another relationship if you really wanted to feel those initial highs of falling for someone, but the anxiety and doubt would inevitably return in the fullness of time.

I would advise you to keep sending out love for your partner; it will be returned, but not in equal quantities. Love in my experience is a case of receiving more than you give away if you keep up a constant flow. Every time you feel anxiety, send out a positive act of love for your partner and see what happens. Do not let the anxiety take you to somewhere you and nobody else wants to go.

Best wishes.