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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wondering why I'm being treated like this?

18 replies

Longwaygone · 27/11/2019 14:33

Hi all
Me and my ex broke up 8 months ago. She started to lose interest and became very distant. No matter what I tried (and believe me I tried) things just didn't seem right. We eventually 'mutually' broke up after her suggesting we couldn't carry on the way we are so I very reluctantly agreed to stop as I couldn't see another way forward given I was trying my best to see her and works things out and it was going knowhere.

The last eight months have been very tough. After we broke up I tried to meet her and talk,,,she wouldn't, I bumped into her and she completely ignored me but afterwards messaged me saying she did see me but made an excuse as to why she couldn't say hi or even wave (feeling guilty I think.
We have been in contact over the months and it usually ends up woth her completely ignoring me until one of us initiates contact for whatever reason.

A couple of months ago, she lost her dog and given we spent a lot of time together and I got to know the dog and how much she meant to her I sent her a quick message sending my condolences. She seemed genuinely happy to hear from me and asked a lot of questions about me, what I'm upto, how I'm doing etc. We talked for a long time until..again..out of knowhere she ignored me whilst continuing to post happily on social media.

Fast forward a couple of months and I accidentally sent a message to her which was intended for someone else. To my surprise she replied and started conversation with me again. We somehow got on to the subject of us breaking up and she told me how she felt trapped in the relationship towards the end and very upset about the break up. It was almost an attack on me as to how I made her feel at the end of the relationship. I don't understand this as I was trying my best to keep things going, but hearing that from her upset me greatly as it's the last thing I ever wanted to do. I even told her I want her to be happy, with or without me. She talked about 'us' and I asked if she would consider meeting me to talk things over and maybe start to take things slowly. I admitted to still having feelings for her. She told me she's 'unsure' of meeting up and was confused about everything. She said we can still chat and she will 'know when she knows' about seeing me........
So fast forward a few weeks and she was still conversing and being a lot more open and chirpy woth me over text. Still however no mention of meeting up so I jokingly mentioned about meeting up for coffee. She completely turned and went cold and told me we'd already talked about it and proceeded to ignore me again. I was half expecting this and thought to myself at least I know where I stand and I can get on owth my life. I made no attempts to contact again.

I bumped into a mutual friend around the time of her bday and I mentioned in conversation to wish her a happy birthday from me. I didn't want to message her because she clearly didn't want to talk. To my surprise on her birthday night I received a message from her thanking me for the birthday wishes and again she asked how I was and seemed happy to chat. This went on for about two weeks until again she stopped. So I left her be again and carried on.
I went away for the weekend and put a few pics up on my social media and immediately after a week of her ignoring me she messages me asking me if I had a good weekend and what I'd going upto...coincidence?
So I replied but I was a bit stand off ish towards her as she'd ignored me for such a long time then all of a sudden come back. She carried on chatting over a few days and yep again she's stopped. She hasn't replied for a week now.

I'm a bit baffled as to why she's behaving like this?
It used to bother me but it doesn't anymore, I'm just curious as to why she behaves like this and I find it a bit rude in all honesty.

She also seems to 'show off' a lot on her social media. more so than ever wen she was with me.
I also got featured in a magazine for my work and two weeks later...she gets featured in TWO! This could be coincidence but it seems like she trying to 'better' me almost even though I'm trying not to compete.

Any thoughts on this and what I should do?
Thanks.

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/11/2019 14:53

She's keeping you dangling for an ego boost, and chats to you when shes bored.

What can you do? Block and delete, don't look at her SM, and move on - or carry on dancing to her tune.

Ticklemeelmo · 27/11/2019 15:02

I came on to say the same thing, she's just responding occasionally to you either to be polite or possibly to check you're still interested as she likes the ego boost. She's not confused, she made that clear by breaking up with you.

You would be best to delete her off all social media, block her number and stop trying to contact her, either yourself or via other people. Sorry if all that sounds harsh

Original poster

Longwaygone · 27/11/2019 18:23

@MarianaMoatedGrange I really didn't expect this from her. People change I guess. Thanks for help.

@Ticklemeelmo thanks yeah i thought 'confused' meant no. She would of agreed if she wanted to see me. I guess i don't mean all that much to her.
Not harsh it's probably the best cause if action now.

OP posts:

Elieza · 27/11/2019 18:30

She’s not that into you OP. She’s happy you’re ok and all but she really really isn’t interested in dating you.

Move on. Take up a new hobby. Get out and about with friends. Don’t hang around waiting for her as it’s never gonna happen.

Ticklemeelmo · 27/11/2019 19:14

@Longwaygone for some reason these things are always clear to outsiders and not obvious when you're personally involved.

I think the best way to see it is that focusing on her is stopping you from meeting someone who won't leave you in any doubt about their feelings for you. Cheesy but it is true

Original poster

Longwaygone · 27/11/2019 22:38

@Ticklemeelmo I think I'm struggling with the fact I don't know what I did wrong in the first place.

That makes sense. I hope eventually I'll find someone who likes me just as much as I do them

OP posts:

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/11/2019 22:45

She started to lose interest and became very distant

She simply got bored with the relationship, or had someone else in her sights. Whatever the reason, it's over. Move on and in time you'll find someone who regards you as a keeper!

Ticklemeelmo · 28/11/2019 21:07

@Longwaygone yeah it sucks but unless you've done something very obvious you're aware of then you'll usually never really know, it's just how it goes when relationships end and is hard to deal with when you want closure.

I'm sure you will move on and meet the right person

Fuckenstein · 28/11/2019 21:09

I have definitely read this post before. Cut her lose and move on.

Getoffmylilo · 28/11/2019 21:16

She's enjoying the attention, she's knows you'll respond when she's in the mood for contact. For whatever reason it sounds like you were in two different places with the relationship and it doesn't seem to have changed. I'd just move on and be glad that it's not some nasty acrimonious break up and leave it there.

redexpat · 28/11/2019 21:49

Block and move on. You deserve better.

Elieza · 28/11/2019 22:07

Why does it matter now what you did wrong. You maybe didn’t do anything wrong. The heart wants what the heart wants. So if you are thinking “if I just knew what I did wrong and apologise and fix it we could be together again” don’t bother. She’s had plenty time to consider her feelings. If you had done something wrong would she not have discussed it with you or even shouted at you to stop doing xyz. She didn’t tell you that it was anything you did. She isn’t that into you. Stop obsessing with her and the relationship you had. It’s over. You can move on now.

PhilCornwall1 · 29/11/2019 05:23

Block her on everything and move on, she's treating you like a puppet and pulling your strings.

It's simple, block and forget.

category12 · 29/11/2019 05:34

Haven't you posted about this before, several times? Aren't you finding this tedious yet? Stop repeating the same pattern and move on.

Fizzysours · 29/11/2019 06:30

I kind of think you are being a bit stalkerish. Leave her alone. She wants to just be friends by the sounds. Wants no ill feelings...but you keep pushing it. The magazine thing is a bit weird on your part. Appearing in mags takes a while to set up so I doubt she was doing it to get your attention!!! Leave the poor woman in peace.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/11/2019 06:35

It doesn't matter what you did wrong. She didn't want to be with you anymore and that's the end of it. Accept that, stop trying to communicate with her and move on.

picklemepopcorn · 29/11/2019 07:47

I'd guess she wants to have a neutral friendship with you as an ex. She doesn't want a relationship with you. Any time you seem to be replying too quickly, showing an interest, she'll back off. She doesn't want to be 'with' you, but she wants to know you are ok.

When people like each other enough to have been in a relationship, it's hard to just pretend they no longer exist. It's really hard- for both parties- to work out how to manage a casual friendship.

readitandwept · 29/11/2019 08:28

Do you see thats you're getting the same advice as on your last thread? There's a very good reason for that.

I'm sorry, but if you're hoping that people are going to tell you that really she wants you back, you'll be disappointed. That's really not what's happening here.

Block her and value your self much more.

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