What to do about child contact

[Ilovebolly]

Will try to keep this as brief as possible. Separated from stbxh over a year ago - my choice as he was emotionally abusive and we had grown so far apart. 2 dc who go to him half of school holidays, every second weekend, one overnight a week and tea once per week.
Ds9 has always had a difficult relationship with his dad and it’s now so bad that he says he hates his dad and hates going there. He’s run away from home when he knows he’s due to go there, he speaks horribly to his dad and generally behaves in an awful way. I know this is due to his massive anxiety and his feeling like he has no control as he hates going to his dad’s.
Dd8 gets in better with dad, she is the golden girl and she recognises that she is treated differently to her brother. She is also staring to hate going due to fighting etc.
I often get hysterical phone calls begging me to pick them up when they are there. I usually manage to calm them down but it’s getting worse. Dd is getting more upset every time, ds behaviour is getting more out of control, and stbxh is getting angrier and struggling.
Am thinking I need to reduce contact, even temporarily, to try and ease the pressure but I’m scared of stbxh reaction and also worried that it may spell the end of the relationship with ds and his dad. Looking for advice as to what you’d do.
Just to add, a counsellor who is working with the children has offered to do mediation between ds and stbxh to try and offer a safe environment to discuss feelings but stbxh has flat out refused. Any ideas?

Stbxh needs to attend this counselling session to show willing that he wants to heal the relationship with his son. Ridiculous he’s refused, what is his reason for doing so?

If it was me in the situation I’d hold off on sending ds to his dads, obviously have a conversation with dad first to let him know these are you plans, maybe the break will do them both some good and you might be able to coax out of ds what the issue is. It may be down to how stbxh has treated you in the past, if so his dad needs to start making amends and showing ds that he is sorry and that he wants a relationship with him.

If things start moving in the right direction maybe you can suggest a father and son day out to bond but tempers will need to be restrained on both sides

Stbxh should be doing everything he can to fix this. He's the adult, DS is an anxious child. I'd think given that DS is feeling so anxious about contact that he has previously run away and become hysterical means that if stbxh won't attend mediation then contact needs to at least be scaled right back. Maybe offer him mediation again but say that if he won't attend then DS needs reduced contact, maybe something like 1-2 evenings a week and one half day outing on weekends or every second weekend with no overnights.

Knowing contact is limited to a few hours may help DS get through it without getting too anxious and give them a chance to rebuild their relationship. And if he's anything like my DD the nights away may be the biggest point of anxiety.

Our eldest DC has anxiety and separation anxiety specifically from me. DH tends to escalate her anxiety because it comes out as anger and he sees this as her misbehaving and treats it that way. Some of her fathers behaviour toward me this year has made her anxiety worse and I know she's very protective of me. It sounds like stbxh and your DS might have the same dynamic where stbxh makes his anxiety worse by reacting inappropriately to it.

It sounds like hell for them. The ideal situation would be supervised contact only and gradually building up contact only if he is willing to work on their relationship with outside help and if it improves and if they want to spend time with him. Whether that's possible i don't know.

You say in your OP that you think STBXH is struggling too. Is it possible he will suggest reducing contact himself, if you ask an open question like “can we discuss some strategies for making this easier for everyone”? Or is that very unlikely?

I’d reduce the contact ideally. It’s sounds like currently it’s doing more harm than good. Like a previous poster has asked, how would STBXH feel if you put this forward as an idea? I’m guessing, as he is even refusing to do mediation to benefit his relationship with ds, that he may not be suggestive to outside involvement.

The local social services in my area have a service called Family Support. They are excellent at offering advice and support in situations like this and it’s not an ‘official’ involvement as such like social services would be. I’m wondering if you have access to anything like that in your area because they are so helpful and really take the stress out of things for everyone involved, especially for the children.

Thanks for the replies. Unfortunately ex would be very resistant to having a conversation where there is the suggestion of reducing contact. He’s all about one-upmanship and would see that as losing face. If I rescue the contact I will have to present it as a fact rather than an option and he will be angry about this, no matter how I word it. Ultimately it’s in the kids best interest but also will be better for ex but I’m just so scared of how he will react. I’m also scared of what this means for the father/child relationship going forward and I know that this will be the end of any rational/amicable conversations we can have about the children as he will take it as an attack on him.

Outside involvement is a no-go as far as he is concerned. Ex is already angry that the children are having counselling - he feels it is just dragging up there feelings. I think they should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and be able to explore this in a safe environment. I work professionally with children and I know if it was a child I work with I’d be thinking that contact should be reduced, but it’s so much harder when it’s your own children and the short and long term implications are serious for them.

It is so much harder when it's your own kids and I get the fear, I feel the same way talking to DH about things like this.

But DS and stbxh relationship is already in crisis. Something needs to change for your DS to have a chance at having a relationship with his father. Reducing contact may well anger stbxh, but I can't see any other option that may allow ds to have a relationship with his father if stbxh isn't willing to go to medication.

If you talking to STBXH isn’t going to work then it’s a serious consideration to take this situation to a more professional body for the sake of the children.

He won’t like any route you take because it’s ‘all about him’ and he clearly has no interest in the children’s emotional needs. He won’t even go to mediation to help his relationship with his son.

So surely you’ve got nothing to lose to seek at least some advice to start off with from Social Services or the people I recommended in an earlier post. They will support you too, maybe it might be a relief for you as you’re carrying this all on your shoulders.