Ridiculous retroactive jealousy situation

[FlossieTeacake34]

I have name changed but am a regular.

I’m really suffering tonight. I’m very attracted to a guy who doesn’t know how I feel because we’re friends and I’m not supposed to think about him in this way. I thought he felt the same but he hasn’t made a move so either he feels nothing or doesn’t want to risk ruining our friendship or something like that.

Tonight I saw his ex from years ago on Facebook and she’s really really beautiful. It has really shaken me and I feel really jealous. She broke up with him and he wasn’t expecting it and got hurt.

I have never really felt jealous before but this guy stirs something up inside me.

The photo has made me feel rubbish about myself. She’s more beautiful than me and now I’m thinking of course he would never be interested.

Please tell me to grow up and give my head a wobble. I’m usually quite a sane person.

or doesn’t want to risk ruining our friendship or something like that.

Doesn't sound like any man I've ever met. Have you asked him out or told him how you feel? Made it clear you like him in any way other than as friends?

I would make a move or move on.

He’s not interested, I think we can presume that.

Have you asked him out or told him how you feel?
No

Made it clear you like him in any way other than as friends?
I’m pretty sure he knows. I’m 99% sure he knows.

Then I'm sorry but he's not interested in anything other than friends.

If you think you can remain friends, then continue the friendship; if you think it would be too painful then I would distance myself. I'll say nothing of booze, ice cream and getting under someone else but, whatever it takes, move on.

Could be lots of reasons. He may think you see him as just a friend. You'll never know unless you ask. Do you know what sort of things he likes doing? If he likes eating out ask if he fancies trying some place you know. Perhaps a film you'd both be interested in seeing. Just ask, don't do yourself down.

I know it's tempting to rationalise " his ex was beautiful so that's why he isn't into me", but that doesn't happen in real life. He isn't comparing you to his ex, he just isn't into you .

I'd suggest moving on . And stop looking at his social media .

I can’t move on because we’re very close friends. I would have to tell him why and I don’t want to put myself through that. He won’t let me disappear. I did try that in the summer but he reeled me back in.

He doesn’t do social media. I just looked her up.

He isn't comparing you to his ex, he just isn't into you.
OK.

He won’t let me disappear. I did try that in the summer but he reeled me back in.

Sounds like he wants to maintain a relationship, if you want more you need to talk to him. If you don't you'll always be wondering what could have been. Why not just ask him out, at least you'll know.

If you think he feels the same way, tell him.

You need to be honest how you feel about him OP. Life is too short. Can only go one or two ways.

Is he single, OP?

You're as certain as you can be that he knows you like him and he is choosing to do nothing with that, he isn't romantically interested in you.

In what ways does he 'reel' you back in?

I can't really see how the 'friendship' is doing anything positive for you to be honest. How did you see his ex on FB, are you looking her up, looking at her photos? Feeling 'shaken' is excessive, and I can't see how this should affect you- I'm sure he did fancy her OP if he dated her, that is how it works but it's not about her- if he doesn't fancy you that is because he just doesn't- not because his ex was very attractive. Do you think if you were more attractive he might be interested? He should like you regardless of he were a decent person with real feelings. Jealousy often stems from a sense of ownership over a person- perhaps seeing his ex reminded you that he isn't yours in that way at all, even though you imagine him in that context.

Absolutely none of this is healthy or good for you OP and you know that. I'd cool the friendship, what on earth sort of relationship could you and he even have in the unlikely event it happens- your obsession with him means he has too much influence over you. I can't imagine he's as great as you think.

I'd just cool it off, make new friends, do other things, see a therapist if this is consuming any time in the day or preventing you meeting anyone else romantically.

In these scenarios you have to shit or get off the pot. If you don't tell him how you feel you will never have a definitive answer and will keep coming up with reasons as why nothing has happened, creating unhealthy fantasies. The worst that can happen is that he says thanks but no thanks.

Sometimes men do wait for you to make the first move out of respect especially if you're older and sex is less of a thing for them the connection and friendship with you is what they value more but he's still a man at the end of the day so unlikely to turn you down I would have thought but the only way to find out is to be brave enough to make a move and if it really is a no then at least you'll know and you can move on I think him not wanting you to walk away from him as a friend is a good sign that this relationship could develop into more but if he's not making a move for whatever reason and you want to know one way or the other then it's going to have to be you who makes the first move

I’ve known a fair few men like this. They keep female friends who are interested in them around for the ego boost. One of my good friends was actually in this situation for many years. She did tell him once she loved him and he told her he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. He was off sleeping with all the women he fancied and she had to hang back and watch from the sidelines! Don’t be that person. Back away from this friendship. He’s not interested in you romantically he’s only interested in getting an ego boost from you.

I've reread everyone's comments but I'm still feeling like I still can't call this one as to whether he's interested in you or not, how long have you been friends? How long is it since you developed feelings for him? Are you both single? What made you think he felt the same and why are you now doubting that? How do you feel about making a move on him? And what's stopping you from doing so?