Driving relative to funeral

[Legoandloldolls]

My mums sister has died and I offered to drive her a 400 mile round trip so she should go. She didnt give a yes or no and as the funeral approaches she hasn't phoned me back either to accept / refuse the offer.

I dont know if i should phone and chase her or not. She has form for this. I offer her help to get somewhere and she is always lacking in a clear response.

I did want to take her, but I'm fed up of her basic lack of mannors. Plus chasing up if she wants my favour.

But it's her sister, I feel mean. She is abusive and I fear it's either more abuse or she honestly doesn't care. She constantly makes me feel worthless and because of that I know I shouldn't chase her.

But her abuse aside for a moment, what should I do if we had a normal relationship? And she was just slightly rude and cranky? I cant think straight where she is concerned

Any other issue in would be "sod her" but I'm her only option to attend. I had the same a few years ago for another of her siblings funerals. I offered. She just made out it was almost a impossibility for me ( that's my call to make) I didnt chase her up, she didnt go, i think she regretted it massively but here we are again

Non abusive relationship- I’d chase up in the case of a funeral

Abusive relationship- don’t bother!

If she doesn’t say yes then assume it’s a no!

But her abuse aside for a moment, what should I do if we had a normal relationship? And she was just slightly rude and cranky?

That's irrelevant as you don't have a normal relationship. You have offered to bring her, she hasn't given an answer. Are you planning on going to the funeral regardless of whether she goes or not? If so then you could text her the day before to tell her what time you're leaving. But if you're not planning on going then don't do anything. If she wants to go she needs to let you know.

Thanks. I think the decent thing would be to chase her up.

What she deserves and what I deserve is my radio silence. Then I feel like I cant go either as it's just too weird. Not that my attendance is the issue.

Things like this just send me into a spin and reminds me how abnormal our relationship is.

You can go without her.

If she doesn't respond then you can assume she is making her own way there. And you can say at the funeral that you assumed either that or she was too upset to make it.

In light of her abuse, I’d be in the ‘sod her’ camp. Why pander to an abuser? You’ve done a nice thing by asking, if she’s rude enough to keep you hanging, it’s her problem if she misses out, if she even cares.

Did she reply OP ?

No reply so far, so that's another day gone. I offered the lift around five days ago expecting a over night mulling it over and reply within two days. I did say to mum that the offer of a lift was there if she wanted it. I could drive the closest I got to a reply was "what do you mean? How can you do that?" Same way I drive over to see her I would have thought.

A reply like "no it's too far" would be fine. "Thank you but I couldn't ask you to drive that far" would be better because i imagine a normal mum and daughter might do this and then I'd say "honestly i dont mind" then she would reply that if I was sure, she would appreciate it.

What a mindfook. Sod her. She has until the night before to call me. The older I get the more sad I am over all these types of things. Everything has to be weird. I'm always wondering what she expects from me. What does she want me to do?

Maybe have a look at the Stately Homes thread in relationships?

And start thinking about what you want, rather than trying to go after approval from her that she is never going to give.

I'd probably sent a message just saying 'I've not heard from you. I'm happy to drive you to the funeral. I am more than capable. I understand if you don't want to attend. If I don't hear from you by X day, I will assume you don't want a lift or to attend the funeral'
Then leave it.
If she doesn't contact you by X day then make other plans so you can't be dragged into any last minute drama.

I have posted in stately home before under another username but thanks for the reminder. It might give me some clarity from my fog

I feel exhausted today. Husband is away and no one in the family offers me favours or support. I am conditioned to please others and seek validation that I'm a good person. But I know she never will. Also there seems to be zero chance she can even call me regarding her sisters last goodbye.

I feel exhausted today. I should really think if I can drive such a distance at the end of the week, alone caring for my young kids. I think that's a no. Add her basic lack of mannors and fact that's probably enjoying controlling me again. I do wish she could just once act like a normal mum.

It's a no from.me

You know the radio silence and lack of answer is all part of the on-going abuse? She's got you dangling on the end of her hook waiting for a response and wasting head space on worrying about what you should do.

Does she live close to you? Would you be going to the funeral anyway? If I were you I would not chase her, because that's pulling on the other end of the rope. I might text her the night before to say if she still wants to go to text you back by midnight md you can collect her at X time otherwise you'll assume it's a no. And that way you have it in writing.

Yeah - good to hear that OP.
So ignore her now.
Don't respond to anything.
Certainly not until after the funeral.
It's too far for with the kids.

There is such a thing as public transport and she'll have to get that if she wants to attend.
I'm assuming she can't drive?

Shes lives a good 80 miles from me in the opposite direction to the funeral if I drive myself and don get her it's only a hours drive each way for me

Tell her your car is in the garage and send her train timetable links...

Do Nothing OP..you have offered that is enough.You asked her a straight forward question and gave her a solution and a way to say her final goodbyes.She has ignored your generosity.Leave it well alone now.If she wants you she knows where you are.Do nothing.