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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner unsure whether he loves me

22 replies

Banamar · 26/11/2019 18:08

Hey all,
Looking for some advice and an outlet.
My fiance broke down and told me that hes not sure whether he loves me anymore.
He has been seeing a therapist due to unfortunate deaths in his family and because of mental health issues his brother has. He felt that he needed to check in and have sessions to keep his mind healthy and grounded. The recent session has clicked in his kind that when things are wrong he masks over it without realising. In our case, the reason he is unsure is due to my lack of emotional support.
To give some background, I'm not the most affectionate person, my family have never been that way and its resulted in me not being used to giving affection. With the family deaths I had no idea how to comfort him and admittedly I wasn't a rock for him when he has been a rock for me.
He is going away for 2 weeks for a charity mountain climb (has been booked through work for over a year) and he wants these two weeks to give us time to think and have that breathing space.
I'm absolutely petrified he will come back and end the relationship, we have been together for 8+ years and have been through alot together good and bad.
Would couple counselling help? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Will 2 weeks away help?
We were due to get married next year and he has decided to call it off, whilst I'm devastated I know it's in our best interests.

OP posts:

puds11 · 26/11/2019 18:12

I’d probably call it quits. If he’s not sure I doubt it’s going to get better. Also I wouldn’t want to be with someone who questioned their feelings for me.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/11/2019 18:14

As harsh as it sounds if I've ever questioned myself as to whether I love someone that says it all really, I clearly don't.

Sadly I think you're going to have to call it a day and do it on your terms.

Lorddenning1 · 26/11/2019 18:16

I think it anyone needs a break then it time to end things, u think if you are really in love and want to be with that person, calling off a wedding is a big no for me, I don't know if I would be secure in the relationship to try again and make it work, I would be questioning it all the time, so sorry OP.

HollowTalk · 26/11/2019 18:16

I feel for him. You get emotional support from him but don't return it?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/11/2019 18:34

I'd be wondering who else is going on this trip to the mountains...

sprouts21 · 26/11/2019 18:41

Sorry op, I wouldn't believe a word of this. He's now conveniently single while on this break.

sprouts21 · 26/11/2019 18:43

Has he ever raised these issues before?

BellyButto · 26/11/2019 19:11

Hello OP

Im so sorry... you must be devestated.

How do you feel? Do you think the relationship is good enough to save?
Besides what he has said to you.

Also, if you promised you would address your own emotional 'failings' he would be interested in couples counselling?

I do think he has probably made his mind up, but you could try offering to work on yourself and see if that makes any difference.

BennyTheBall · 26/11/2019 19:15

That sounds like a 'break it to you gently' line. He's already checked out but isn't brave enough to tell you straight.

I'd also be highly suspicious that there is another woman or he's lining himself up to be with someone else.

And, somewhat typical of this sort of manoeuvre, he is making you take the blame.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2019 19:16

I think he's had a massive realisation that you can't give him what he needs in a relationship. I would end it quickly and move on with your life.

ConfCall · 26/11/2019 19:17

I’m sorry OP but I think he’s checked out of your relationship. And even if he decides to stick with you, you’ll always be worrying that he’s going to say this again.

TowelNumber42 · 26/11/2019 19:20

It is over already. This is the gentle exit. He is trying to be kind.

Do you live together? Rent? Own?

Bereavement often causes people to reevaluate their life choices. Drop all this stuff about you being a cold fish or whatever. It isn't you, it's him. He wants a different life. This isn't him asking you to change personality, it's him realising this isn't right for him.

MikeUniformMike · 26/11/2019 19:32

I'd consider it as over.
My first guess is that there is someone else.
Agree that it looks like he's already checked out and that he's blaming you.
I might be wrong, but I'd let go.

Longfacenow · 26/11/2019 19:38

I think as you are admitting that you're not really able to meet his emotional needs because of the impact of your family upbringing on how you show love there might be something to work on here, if it isn't too late. I'm not meaning to blame you, just that we need to be able to give and receive in the right way for us and maybe this is part of why he is backing away.

Would you like to work on the relationship?

Savingforarainyday · 26/11/2019 19:40

Hmmm.... why is everyone saying there is someone else?
OP admits she isn't affectionate and hasn't 'been there' for him.... why is this not enough for him to end it?
Sounds like he's being kind
How do YOU feel about counselling?

It sounds like he has sorted his issues, but now realises that he needs more emotionally from a partner.
Are you able to step up emotionally?

TimeForNewStart · 26/11/2019 19:47

I too think this is very convenient timing just before the holiday! He can see if things pan out with new person whilst away, and if not decide to give you another chance when he gets back.

SonataDentata · 26/11/2019 19:51

Please don’t hang around waiting for him, hoping he’ll change his mind. He’s shown his true colours and I’d recommend walking away with dignity now so you can start the next chapter of your life.

Fmlgirl · 27/11/2019 06:34

When my father died my ex wasn’t very supportive. His family was also not that way inclined. There were other problems in the relationship after 4 years but it really did kill my feelings for him. I found out that we were probably fundamentally unsuited because I needed someone who could communicate better with me whilst I was struggling.

bluehairandheartbroken · 27/11/2019 08:41

Hmmm.... why is everyone saying there is someone else?
OP admits she isn't affectionate and hasn't 'been there' for him.... why is this not enough for him to end it?

This! Mumsnet really pisses me off sometimes. Why do people always automatically jump to the conclusion that there's an OW? If OP had posted and said "I'm not sure if I love my DP any more, he's not really been emotionally supportive or been there for me when there was a death in the family" would people be telling her she must be cheating? No they wouldn't. They'd be telling her she should end it if she's unhappy. And that's quite possibly all that's going on in her partner's mind. Of course I don't know the OP or her partner and I could be wrong but people do just end relationships because they're unhappy rather than it automatically meaning cheating.

To the OP - sorry this is happening. I think he needs to be really honest with you before this trip - is he really just unsure, or does he want to end it and doesn't have the guts to say so? Because if so then he needs to be honest with you, it's not fair to string you along if there's no hope in the end anyway. I'd be asking him outright if he's done or if he feels it could be worked on. I'll warn you though it's not easy. Even if he agrees to work on it you'll be questioning the relationship from now on, wondering if it's what he really wants or if he's going to decide again that he's not happy and wants to end it. I'd think about ending it yourself as unfortunately things will never be the same again now. I know that's easier said than done though and I'm sorry. Good luck

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/11/2019 09:06

I'm sorry but I've been with someone whose entire family didn't 'do' emotion and who couldn't give me emotional support.

I tried. I tried for eight years. But in the end, all I really wanted was a hug. And I had to end it. I used to cry when I saw someone getting a big hug that didn't have to have sex attached to it, and I realised I wasn't getting what I needed from the relationship.

Call it quits on an even basis. You've grown apart. Let him go.

TooMuch87 · 27/11/2019 18:38

He’s shown his true colours and I’d recommend walking away with dignity now so you can start the next chapter of your life.

What do you mean by 'he's shown his true colours'? He's been through a really difficult and tragic time in his life. And his partner, by her own admission, hasn't been a rock to him or shown affection to him. Despite him always supporting her through tough times. Perhaps he thinks that she's the one showing her true colours?

Elieza · 27/11/2019 18:49

Could you go for counselling as it seems you may need to talk about the issues that have left you unable to support others emotionally?

If he thought you were at least trying to make yourself a more rounded person who could understand his needs it might buy you some time with him. (And will help you in the future with all relationships such as those with pals etc) However sometimes when the love is gone it’s gone and he may say the separation is permanent.

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