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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EX refusing to see our son.

26 replies

BottomLineElectric · 26/11/2019 14:25

I have recently been through a bad break up with my EX, we have a 10 year old son together.

The whole situation has had a bad effect on my sons mental health, he already suffers from anxiety but before this we had it under control.

My son has complained of hearing voices and has explained something that sounds like a psychotic episode, I was so scared that I took it to A&E a few nights back.

I have been in contact with my EX and have explained how this is effecting our son, I have said to him that perhaps we should co-parent, and is answer to that was he will next see our son when I let him back home.

I can’t take him back he did something that is pretty much unforgivable.

I will be grateful for any advice.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 26/11/2019 14:52

he will next see our son when I let him back home

If that is the calibre of parent he is, then your son is better off without him. Tell him that, and tell him that nothing has shown you so clearly as that sentence that you did the right thing in getting rid of him.

Your son may be suffering now but seeing this twat won't be of any help at all, because his answer shows that he clearly doesn't love him or care about him - just wants to use him as a bargaining chip.

So block and delete and focus on your son.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/11/2019 15:00

he will next see our son when I let him back home

What a manipulative arsehole.

Wanker.

I hate him for that and I've never met him!

Keep supporting your son, and ensure he sees whoever he needs to, in terms of MH support. Apart from his shitting awful excuse for a father.

Sorry, but this one will fall to you to deal with, just keep loving your son and give him as much stability and support as you can.

Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 15:03

This is good news, your son has been damaged I suspect more from the time with his dad than the recent split.

Keep him away and focus on your son.

Original poster
BottomLineElectric · 26/11/2019 15:06

Thanks for replying everyone, I never ever thought he would stoop this low. My son keeps asking when will he see his dad but I don’t know what to tell him.

This is also making me ill, oh god... I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2019 15:20

All you can do is tell your DS that you have no idea when he will see his dad.
But that you are there for him no matter what his dad chooses to do.
He can lean on you - he can rant to you - he can use you as a sounding board because you will always be around for him.

As as FizzyGreenWater says - I think one message to your ex along those lines will be perfect!
'Nothing has shown me so clearly as that sentence that I did the right thing in getting rid of you. You will NOT use our son as a bargaining chip. If that is how you really want it to be then don't bother seeing him but you can explain to him why and do NOT use me as that reason. You know full well why you will never be allowed here again.
And it was YOUR doing. If you want everyone to find out what you did then you carry on. Otherwise, be a fucking grown up.'

GiveHerHellFromUs · 26/11/2019 15:24

Exactly what @hellsbellsmelons. That message is perfect.

Original poster
BottomLineElectric · 26/11/2019 16:00

I am just scared that my sons mental health is going to get worst.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2019 10:30

Of course you are OP.
So much is uncertain.
But don't forget.
Your Ex is a nasty piece of work and abusive.
Your sons mental health may well improve.
It might not seem like it right now.
So just be there and keep aiming to get him all the help you can.
But assume your asshole Ex won't be in the picture and plan it all accordingly.

GP17 · 27/11/2019 10:41

He doesnt deserve your son. No father would use the child as a bargaining tool. A loving father would do anything for his kids. Makes me sick.

You need to cut him off and tell your son how bad a person he is as he wont hep his mental health. Do you have other family around you that could help and take his mind off the poor excuse of a father?

AnnaNimmity · 27/11/2019 21:38

oh dear what a horrible man. sorry about your poor ds.

I think you have to take your ex out of the equation and concentrate on your son. He will get stronger and he will cope. It would be worse to keep your ex coming in and out of his life and causing him more stress and anxiety. And probably he's affected by seeing you and ex together and the effect of ex on you. so best to keep him out of it I think. You and your son will get stronger and you will get through this.

You can't force a man to see their child. And I can't imagine he's a nice man (or a good parent) if he would only agree to be a parent if you let him back. what a cunt.

Heartburn888 · 27/11/2019 23:36

So he’s trying to manipulate you into letting him home and using your son as leverage.

Like others have said, if this is what he’s like then your son is better off without him. How someone can basically abandon their own flesh and blood whilst going through a traumatic time is beyond me.

SandyY2K · 27/11/2019 23:58

What a useless father.

Does your Ex have a decent family? Parents and siblings?

Could you speak to any of them about it?

Original poster
BottomLineElectric · 28/11/2019 00:05

Does your Ex have a decent family? Parents and siblings?

Yes he has but he would be very annoyed if I spoke to them.

Sad

It’s ok, me and my son will manage. Before he went to sleep tonight he said if he feels better tomorrow he would like to go to school, but I’m scared to send him just incase he has an episode.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 28/11/2019 01:26

I would send him to school as he needs as much normality as possible and let the school know what is going on so they can contact you if they need to.

What happened at A and E? Was he offered any kind of support?

Flowers
DioneTheDiabolist · 28/11/2019 01:34

Around 15-25% of children will suffer hallucinations before the age of 14 OP. It is painful for a parent to deal with, but bringing your arsehole Ex back isnt going to make it better. Indeed putting a vulnerable child with a cunt of a person makes it worse.Sad

RantyAnty · 28/11/2019 07:11

Chances are you'll find both you and your son are much happier with the manipulative arse out of your lives.

Agree with pp of trying to keep his schedule and things normal for him as in going to school, playing with friends, etc.

Try to plan little things you two can do together. Bake something, go for a hike, bike ride, or something.

Hithere2 · 28/11/2019 07:14

What a sorry excuse of a "father"!

You are better off without him

PurpleFrames · 28/11/2019 07:23

As hard as it is try and put the mental health to aside slightly as whatever will be will be with that

And focus on trying to establish
-maintenance payments
-grandparents contact (if they're not lions!)

  • clear evidence of his refusal to engage, for court it's not clear if you're married?
PurpleFrames · 28/11/2019 07:23

Clearly I meant loons not lions Grin

Mrscaindingle · 28/11/2019 07:27

Hearing voices is more common in childhood than we realise, my own DS used to hear a voice usually at night when he was around 9/10 and he struggled with anxiety and an acrimonious split.
I was worried until I read up on it, I am a mental health nurse and didn't realise this was quite common in childhood.
Definitely keep things as normal as possible which means sending him to school and try not to let him pick up on your own worry about this.
It will pass, my DS experienced horrible anxiety for a few years but now seems to have turned a corner at 15 and is doing really well. Focus on yourself and your son and let your ex get on with screwing up his own life.

ColaFreezePop · 28/11/2019 11:49

OP don't slag of your son's father to him or use words like "bad" to describe him. Simply say when he asks where his dad is or when he will see his dad that you don't know.

When your son gets better and older, he will start realising that his dad doesn't care for him if you do this. If you slag his dad off you risk your son seeing him as the wounded party especially if your son maintains contact, which he should do, with his paternal relations.

Original poster
BottomLineElectric · 28/11/2019 13:07

ColaFreezePop

As angry as I am, I would never “slag” him off to anyone, there’s so much things I could say about him in here.

My son went to school today Smile

OP posts:
MsGee · 28/11/2019 13:20

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I just wanted to reassure you that children can hallucinate due to extreme anxiety. It is very worrying but you can only do so much to reduce the anxiety given the current situation.

My DD had a total breakdown from reality following hallucinations - the key thing is that he is talking to you, so you can monitor if they escalate again. The other thing I was told is that this is different to psychosis, so try not to panic too much.

My DD still has hallucinations (2 years from them starting) and we know it is a definite warning sign and work with school to put measures in place to try to manage her anxiety. Its a really good sign that your son wanted to go to school, so sounds like you have handled it all really well.

Your DH is clearly a cock, but as least he is no longer in your home.

Winterdaysarehere · 28/11/2019 13:27

Contact his family. It isn't up to him if you do or not.

Redred2429 · 28/11/2019 13:31

Op I'm so sorry for all your going through if this is what your ex is capable of then I would leave him to it and focus on you and your son