Recovering from emotional affair - advice pls

[Onlyme16]

Hi, just need some advice as I am torturing myself on a daily basis!

Bit of background. Husband had emotional affair which lasted for about a year. Nothing physical (so he says, and I think I believe him, but who knows eh) but still very hurtful to me obviously. We are both in our 40s with 3 teenage children and have been together since we were kids basically.

It is all over and he has no contact with her at all now, but I just can't get over the feeling of betrayal i have. Going back, I had asked him to stop having contact with her, he agreed to a fresh start and then months later I found out that he had spent hours on the phone to her, all behind my back, up to 10 times a day!!

So anyway I am just torturing myself on a daily basis, example, if he loved me as much as he says he does why did it take me finding out for him to stop contact? If I hadn't found out would it have carried on? Why couldn't he put me first and do the right thing by me when I have never asked anything of him in all the yrs we've been together, etc etc. How could he even do that if he genuinely loved me? Questions which I'm sure thousands of women in my position have asked themselves.

I just feel differently about my marriage now. I love my husband but I see him in a different light now. I'm always wondering how much he really loves me. Never had that problem before. My self confidence is shot to pieces, I don't feel good enough for him anymore.

Please, anyone who has been though an emotional affair and come out the other side, could you give me some advice, how do I try and let go of this and get on with things?How can I get my confidence back? How do I learn to trust again? In fact I'd be grateful for any advice at all from any of you that has been through anything similar. I just want to move on but finding it very hard and thinking about it every day, which I know isn't helping. Thanks for reading.

@thaaaafuck thank you, I know things could get better if I could let this go but I'm finding it very hard. After being with someone 25 years with never any issues of this kind before and believing I always came first, it has completely knocked me off kilter. I'm going to try and take it a day at a time. Unfortunately today is a bad day! But many thanks for your advice x

@Onlyme16

I completely get where you are coming from, for the past year I thought I was the apple of DH's eye, I thought I always came first and he loved me more than anything so to find out about his EA was absolutely heartbreaking and I felt worthless.

And just like you and your DH I have access to everything my DH installed the tracking app too, at first I obsessed with that and other things but now I'm more relaxed. As it's only been a month since finding out it's still a bit raw along with other complicated stuff, but as long as you want to work it out and your DH is open and honest and is willing to talk about it openly hopefully you will get there.

My issue i found is that I hated feeling like they knew stuff I didn't so when DH was honest with his answers it made me feel so much better.

Just remember you're not alone and you can always message me if you need a rant x

@Faith50 my dad has always been a great dad. I'm 45, he's in his 70s and today he text me saying he would go to the end of the world and back for me. Bought tears to my eyes that did. So the bar is pretty high as far as I am concerned! And thank you going to remember your words!

@thaaaafuck thank you so much I may take you up on that!!

@Onlyme16 you're more than welcome.

I felt like I had nobody to talk to due to feeling humiliated as it is so my inbox is always open! X

Thaaafuck- a month is not a long time to go completely back to normal. Don’t be surprised if the feelings come out again. As for the better than it was before, that can also be a post discovery bounce. Daily life can go back to how it was before once the guilty party realises they have gotten away with it.

theaaa
You are doing well after only being one month in and considering the EA went on for one month. I am pleased for you. It is comforting to read about couples who reconcile and go on to be genuinely happy together. It gives others hope.

It is strange that it takes a major life changing situation to make you sit up and take note of where your marriage is. I realise I did not appreciate my dh and not looked at what he was not bringing to the marriage.

@Onlyme16

Stop torturing yourself.

I think you have a couple of options here:

a) Go for couples counselling and get it all out. And I mean ALL OUT. Vent your spleen. See if that helps.

Or

b) Would it be the worst thing in the world to split up? You say you feel differently about your marriage now and I'm not surprised. He's not the man you thought he was. And that's not your fault.

But you can decide what happens next.

@Faith50 no he never said that he fancied friend, i just know, i cant explain why but i just know. He would only admit that she is attractive but said he never fancied her. I have known for years that he does.

They work together (our friendship pre dates this), but all contact has stopped. I was worried in the beginning that he was still in contact with her but i dont think they are. I think she was terrified i would tell her on again/off again boyfriend. I have cut all contact with her also.

Hindsight is wonderful, i gave him 3 solid chances to leave and he never took them. I know now that he didnt want to leave. If i had realised that at the beginning the outcome would probably have been different, i sometimes hate him for what he put me through.

Things are good between us now, i have forgiven but i wont forget.

My husband did this about 2.5 years ago.
I believe it went on for around 8 months and I found out after a lovely family day out because my then 10 year old asked to look at the pictures on his phone.
I would never have believed him capable of anything like that because he was such a loving husband and father.
We were best friends before we were in a relationship.
Friends would comment on how great we were together ( at the time our youngest was seriously unwell on top of his multiple disabilities) and what a great team we were.
Obviously fucking not !
I had no idea he could lie so easily.
He says he went to her house a few times to kiss her goodnight ffs.
I was broken and still am because I know he's still lying.
Stupidly I read hundreds of texts messages between them and the things he was saying against me to make her feel sorry for him and give him more attention.
Plus the sexting. Blurgh. Literally made me puke.
They worked together.
I made sure his boss knew and as she was in her probationary period and had been taking explicit photos of herself at work and her fanny and tits she was gone.
He was seriously reprimanded and they still watch him like a hawk.
Everyone's perception of him has changed because he's made everyone who's close to him feel like a mug with his perfect husband and dad act.
He ended up depressed ( poor thing ) and seeing a shrink.
As for our relationship, I wouldn't trust him one bit anymore.
We live like friends.
Unfortunately for me I have 2 disabled DC and I can't care for them alone.
He's very sorry of course ( although last week he said I was being unreasonable and he was just stupid and needed his ego stroked and I should make more effort haha ) but for me it's been a grieving process and if I didn't have the DC I'd have been long gone.
We get on well now. I have forgiven but can't forget and I just want a platonic relationship because I can't trust him or get those texts and images out of my head.
He thinks we could go back to how we were.
Perfect family once but I will never let him get close to me again.
I'm sure he must have terrible wrist strain because I don't let him near me 😂

Those whose partners are ok with it being brought up are very lucky indeed.i think it would have helped me if my H had actually brought it up himself and said sorry for it fairly often but in my case it’s the elephant in the room , which is odd because in actions he is extraordinarily affectionate, — unlike myself, however is incredibly agitated if it’s ever mentioned by me at all.

@Zzzz19

I think I had to find peace within myself first, because I blamed myself, it make me insecure and I lost all my confidence, I'm gradually building that up and I feel good about myself and now know it wasn't my fault at all. Now I'm happier within myself it's changed my views on a lot of things. I know shit happens in marriages, it's not all plain sailing, I also tried to understand it from DH's point of view which helped too. But as you say it has only been a month, I do have bad days but I have more good days than bad now. I haven't fully forgiven DH and I won't ever forget what he's done but we are making progress.

Pumpkin pie, ha, ha— I feel like that too. I find it easy to live as friends- but have gone off the physical, the deceit kind of killed that for me, appreciate it doesn’t for everyone

Abadlyshavedyeti
I guess if you say you know, you did deep down.

Glad you have both cut ties with her. There is no hope if she is still in the background. I would not contemplate attending any events of mutual friends if there is a chance she will be present.

He never wanted to leave. As long as he is remorseful and understands the pain he put you through.

Are you happy?

Pumpkinpie
I understand your anger and hurt. The sexting, 100's of messages and sharing of nude photographs is enough to traumatise any woman. Do you think they slept together and he is holding back on disclosing this?

Can you live like this indefinitely? Do you not want companionship even with a possible future partner?

user1479
It is unfair that you feel you cannot bring it up at any point. You have a right at the very least. Talking about it until you cannot talk no more brings healing and clarity. I spoke about it until I realised I could not allow it to consume me any longer. I wanted to live life again and not have the awful cloud hanging over me. I stopped bringing it up around 8 months after dh confessed.

theaa
It is weird that you initially take some of the blame and view yourself as lacking. My confidence plummeted. I felt utterly worthless. I recall asking dh over and over what the woman had that I did not. I had convinced myself that I must have been lacking in beauty, appearance, style and so on. I desperately wanted dh to point out what I lacked and why I was not enough. He said there was absolutely nothing she had over me and she could not be compared to me. As my confidence restored I realised my dh was the one lacking, he was the one with low self esteem and who felt shit about himself so enjoyed being rescuer and supposedly feeling he was making a difference when offering his shoulder to cry on. What a revelation that was!

@Onlyme16 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation, the difference here being that I caught my husband on a hook up site rather than an EA (I do have a thread going on here about it). But I completely understand how you feel with regards to the lack of trust.

He is adamant that we can work it out, says he will do anything to earn back my trust etc etc. But I'm like you - I just can't look at him in the same way, I feel like I don't know him at all. I trusted him completely and always felt like his 'number 1' (as stupid as that sounds) and now that's ruined. I also keep questioning how he could possibly love me but then do that to me.

My anger is coming out now, the hardest bit is that it's supposed to be him making an effort (he has been, to be fair) but the person it's hardest on and most difficult for is me because I'm the one having to live with the fact that he has done this to me. I honestly don't know if I'll be able to get past this and stay with him, but for now I am trying. Good luck to you x

@Faith50 I do believe he slept with her but have no proof.
He said he went to her house after work to give her a kiss goodnight on a few occasions but I tricked him and said I know you've been to her home because X saw you and that was his excuse.
Ugh makes me sick thinking he was with her and then just got into my bed and kissed me goodnight or had sex.
We had a healthy sex life , at least 5 times a week.
He told me he loved me constantly.
Was considerate and kind, a very hands on dad.
My ex H was a serial cheater and he broke me.
Husband knew him ( we had been friends for years before that ended) and saw the way my self esteem and happiness was eaten up by him and promised me that he would tell me if he was unhappy and never put me through that.
So he knew what this would do to me , except he didn't expect to get caught.
I had never known him to lie even once and the fact he did it so easily still amazes me.
I don't think I'd ever want a relationship again.
Now I have my DC, one who needs 24/7 care I don't think I'm much of a catch anymore!
I initially did throw him out for a month but I was exhausted coping with both DC and their needs and their absolute distress.
Little one actually ate the arm rests of his wheelchair and his epilepsy helmet was chewed to bits.
So I'll cope with the house mates scenario as it's best for the kids but I've literally just had a call from the children with disabilities SS department offering me 30 hours a week of 2-1 care for the littlest one.
This is because I had a brain stem bleed almost 5 months ago but it means I'll get some of my life back .
I'm so grateful for that you can't even imagine.

The fact you were having sex with him 5 times a week and he still did this must be a real body blow. At least with my situation, looking back I can see that the marriage wasn’t happy and intimacy had dried up. I can’t imagine what it must be like when you think things were absolutely normal before this happened.

Pumpkinpie
I am sorry.
You may never know what really happened between them and that is frustrating. You need to know exactly what you are forgiving. Many forgive then find out there is more. As painful as it is, it is important to know everything then you can make the choice whether to stay or go.

We are almost 3 years on from me finding out.
Honestly that first year I thought I'd die , it was a physical pain in my chest and I got so skinny I looked awful.
In the end after 9 months I went to my GP who put me on Prozac.
Maybe that is why I'm able to cope with this situation because I'm detached because of the meds.
He begs for a second chance a lot and still tells me he loves me constantly and does all of the same considerate and kind things he did before.
I however just treat him as my old friend.
I'm nice to him, treat him well and bite my tongue a lot.
I love him but honestly I am not in love with him at all.
I forgive for my own peace of mind and so the DC don't pick up on any atmosphere.
It's very difficult because he is the ONLY person I had ever trusted 100% in my life and the only person I thought wouldn't hurt his DC or myself but I can never forget.
He was such a devoted family man.
I look at him sometimes and think you dick head but I generally just get on with keeping the DC happy

Pumpkinpie
I remember that 'I want to die' feeling all too well. I look back a year ago and can see how far I have come. It was torture initially and I did not believe I would survive. I could not listen to love songs, watch couples kiss on screen, hear or read about romance.

I do not know how women cope when their dh have full blown sex whether a ONS or long term. I think that would all but finish me off.

Perhaps we truly are stronger than we think.

I was very struck by your comment that “It's hard enough being a woman your 40s, getting older etc”. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it but you seem to take for granted that ageing is a bad thing for women. Do you think it’s worth looking behind that comment? I loved my 40s and have just embarked on my 50s and are loving them, too. I feel increasingly grounded and at home in myself. So do my friends. The older you get, the more you have to offer in terms of life experience and wisdom. It’s hard to fit in with 3 children but it sounds like you may need to start valuing yourself and doing things you enjoy more and realising what a fab person you are in your own right and that you’re not defined by your DP or how he behaves.

@MzPumpkinPie what do you plan to do long term?

The only way you'll have a chance of getting over it is to leave. Otherwise you are going to be wondering about the details, if it really didn't get physical, who he's texting if on the phone etc.

He got away with it this time because you stayed, next time he will be more careful. And you'll never really stop being suspicious if anything out of the ordinary happens.

This is what affairs do to people, emotional or physical, they destroy trust and make it hard to trust anyone ever again but more so the person who had the affair to begin with.

So if you choose to stay, which you absolutely can, this lack of trust and constant paranoia will be your new normal.

I don't think anything will change until he does it again!
I believe he will eventually because he's not getting the emotional connection he needs and he has already let himself down when our marriage was happy.
Now I've got the care hours from SS for my youngest I will be able to cope .
However I'm still recovering from this brain stem bleed and I can't look after the DC at all.
Things don't look so bleak after that phone call this afternoon.