Divorce and not being with children

[Abracad]

I don’t love my husband any more. He isn’t abusive but he is moody and self-absorbed and it is over for me. I don’t enjoy being around him.

I love my children. I feel sad and preoccupied with time passing at the best of times. I don’t know how to decide between being free of a relationship which isn’t happy and only seeing my children half the time (although the quality of the time we share is so much better when it’s just us). I feel so sad. Has anyone else grappled with this?

That was the single biggest stumbling point with regards to separation for me.

I see DD about 65% of the time. The quality of time we spend/have spent together is far better and I'd say we're even closer than we were before me and her father split (we separated when she was 8). The other benefit is that I can fit my work/housework/life admin etc into days when she's with her dad together with the school day so all time together is quality time.

It means recalibrating your thinking a lot, but it can be a positive IMO.

In the same position except DH has been emotionally abusive at times as well being a moody jerk. 2 of our DC have SEN, 1 has anxiety and hates being away from me. I have no idea how we could make that work. 50/50 is pretty common where I am. He hasn't done anything that would reduce his chances of getting that if he wanted it. It's a scary thought, he can barley cope with all the DC for a morning outing. He's impat and snappy and gets angry easily. He struggles to cope with DC1 anxiety or the twins meltdowns. If I thought he'd only want EOW or EOW plus one weeknight I'd be so much more positive about the idea of separating.

You need to consider what is right for you for the long term, your kids grow up and leave home ... my h left me the week my youngest started university, there's no perfect time. Why not put in place contingencies so you can split in the future, so that you will be financially secure etc - not all men pay up nor want contact hours remember

I feel so sad at the idea of splitting up because I'd miss DC, but I also feel scared of how theyd cope without me there as a buffer. They're still so little. And Im scared of doing it alone with my own ill health and DCs high support needs.

I stayed because I felt knew the impact of his wildly inconsistent parenting. I felt my children's life choices would be severely impacted if my DH had very much time with them ... his lack of wanting to make time, his stuffing them of sweets, his making promises and then getting enjoyment from breaking them and seeing the disappointment on their little faces, no interest in education, being lavishly generous on occasions and terribly mean spirited on others and weaponising money. So I have stayed, my career is well over, but I have found new and fulfilling if low paid employment and my children have survived to be well rounded individuals. I need to decide soon what I need to do for myself.

My daughter is with her dad 30% of the time. While she is there I do house work, shopping and work extra hours. So when she is with me it’s 1:1 time anyway.

I agree with the long term post. My 2 kids Are adults now, have their own lives, both live in different parts of the country through work and I see them once every 5/6 weeks or so. This will happen so don’t let it rule your thoughts too much.

Thank you for such open and generous replies. It’s jusy such a painful decision. I think I’m inclined to wait until my youngest is more independent and just suck it up. It’s not how I planned, that’s for sure.