Newly single - how to stop/prevent limerance

[OldBear]

I’m recently separated from my STBXH after 15 years together. No children.

I have no desire to jump straight into a relationship - I need time to be me and figure out what I want in life - however, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to casually meet people (I’m not talking hook ups, but a few drinks in a bar with a nice man every so often would be good)

I did meet someone a few weeks back. And yes, because of circumstance, ended up being a one night stand. We’ve kept in touch, however he actually lives in South America so absolutely no way that’s going anywhere. We’ve discussed meeting up when we’re next on the same continent, but that’s probably not going to happen.

I’m obsessing over him. Someone on here linked to an article on limerance the other day, and it rang so many bells. That’s where I am at the moment. I’m making up scenarios where I may randomly find myself in Brazil, or he ends up here, or other such random crap. Where would our wedding be held? How well he’d fit in with my parents and siblings? Im going to a close friends wedding in a few months and imagining him as my plus one and the introductions to everyone. How would we tell people we met?

Then there was another guy. Spent a lovely afternoon chatting when we were both in transit in the Far East - he was going working in Bali for 3 months. Of course my head is heading to ‘oooh, I have time off over Christmas, I could be in Bali in 6 hours’ (I’m not in the UK), and what would happen if I turned up in Bali.

I’m obviously online stalking both of them. Guy 1 is clearly a player. Guy 2 seems nice. I don’t actually want to date either of them. Or anything else.

Is this just what happens after the first ‘interest’ from a man after so long? How do I stop myself obsessing over anyone I meet? I’m sooooooooo not used to this. Last time I was single it was so much easier without social media. Plus I was 21 and a size 10 so much easier to meet people . And easier as I was just in my home town, and if I met someone they’d be from there too. Now, I’m in 2-3 countries a month. Live on the other side of the world. Things are so different.

How do I actually go from obsessive online stalker who plans weddings in her mind after a one night stand, to being a sensible sane person who can meet people and not become obsessed? I mean, I chat to men in bars. Always have done. I get on better with men than women, and I travel for work a lot so end up sitting at bars alone and it’s usually blokes in the same scenario. It’s not like I’m going out ‘on the pull’, it’s just what I do. But my thought patterns have changed so much since splitting with with STBEX.

Any ideas on how to get my head together would be appreciated!

How about taking a break from men for awhile.
And find something else to do besides hang out in bars.

That might help change your mind set.

I have tendencies a little like yours sometimes, daydreaming about people that I don't really know.

I think the only answer is to try and fins fulfilling and time consuming atuff to do that doesn't rely on men. I'm a dj, foe

Posted too soon - for example. Throw yourself into something exciting and fulfilling to you. That way you can have your exciting evening in a bar with Mr Whoever, but then the next day be too busy to remember who he is.

Why don't you do online dating and that way you can meet several men and see that they're not this precious limited supply, but normal humans that there are quite a lot of..

To be honest it’s not about hanging out in bars and talking to men as something through choice as such. I work away from home a lot. There’s not that many other things to do when you spend so much time in hotels in varying countries around the world. Otherwise I’d be just sitting in a tiny hotel room alone for most of the evening. Yes I use the gym and pool and stuff if there is one, but I need to eat, and I chat to people when I’m out.

I’m honestly not sure what other things I could be doing - it’s usually 3-4 nights every other week that I’m away. I don’t know what else I would do with that time.

I’m not sure I’m ready for online dating. That seems very daunting at the moment. I get your point though - perhaps this just is about me fixating on these two guys as if they’re the only two guys in the world?

Sleep with more men then you don’t obsess over them.
Go online and chat to multiple other men

I do know what you mean, fantasising is common though. I kept it in check by dating lots of people, no ons I should add. I've now met someone I really like and it's going great but in the interim going for drinks and meals was just the ticket, I avoided second dates!

’m recently separated from my STBXH after 15 years together. No children.

I have no desire to jump straight into a relationship - I need time to be me and figure out what I want in life

If you actually meant that then the above would have been where your post ended.

Clearly, ONS and drinks in bars are not allowing you space to be yourself and figure out what you want because you're putting so much energy into obsessing about it all.

And there's loads you can be doing aside from chatting to lots of men at bars when you are away for work. You're just making excuses.

At the end of the day, if you can't bear being single and don't really want time alone and to find out who you are - then that's your call, it's your life. Just don't kid yourself what you're saying you want is true when your actions say the exact opposite.

As much as you say you aren’t looking for a new relationship so soon, it sounds like you’re subconsciously in search of your next long term relationship and that’s why you’re becoming obsessed with random men you barely know. I agree with a previous poster that you really need to step away from men for a bit, because your head is all confused about what you do want (even your post belies confusion) and it’s making you loopy. You won’t get to know yourself and who you are when not in a relationship when you’re still thinking of whether the next man you meet might be the one, even as you just casually chat to him in a bar.

Working away and being lonely doesn’t mean you need to seek out male company. I also work away a lot and spend many evenings alone in bars. I generally take my book and enjoy a couple of glasses of wine and my own company; and on several occasions I’ve struck up conversations with lovely women also away solo who have remained long-distance friends. When women say they get on better with men than women I generally always find that’s because they have weird dynamics when it comes to male company and as in your case, are subconsciously confused about what they want.

When I’m away yeah sure, often men will strike up a conversation as well and if they’re good looking and seem intelligent I’ll entertain their advances for a bit, sometimes sleep with them. I don’t get obsessed with them afterwards because I’m not looking for somebody to be my future husband or get on with my family. They either remain one night stands I never see again, or interesting men I like who I might hook up with for dinner and sex when we happen to be in the same country.