I have been horrible, disgusting and ruined my ex partners life for two years. I had issues with alcohol and mentally abused her, on one occasion when drunk i threatened to kill her and sharpened knives in the kitchen. I made her cry and drove her to the edge of suicide. For years I thought she was the one who was controlling me, stopping me from drinking and splitting up with her, stopping me from selling the house and moving on with my life. I blamed her for moving her parents in with us for a year, for her brother living with us and staying up until 1am every night in the room over ours. I hated the fact that even though our son was no longer a toddler we needed to cuddle him to sleep every night and never had date nights. I resented her and was bitter. I resented the lack of reciprocality in our sexual relationship. Over time I became bitter and the relationship grew toxic. Despite having a great job I was severely bullied at work and started to take painkillers for stress relief. I felt trapped in a job I couldnt leave without a big paycut and resented being stuck with an enormous mortgage by a partner who didn't understand the pressure I was under. We went to couples therapy to split up rather than save the relationship. Over the years we broke up numerous times and got back together, before finally splitting after I sharpened those knifes. She went to the bank and found a way to keep the property without me and selling part of it to a friend. Two months ago I left the job i hated and stopped taking painkillers. I took a job working away from home for three days a week and returning for four days a week. I broke my drinking cycle and cut out alcohol, dropped most of my old friends and had something of an epiphany. I regretted what I had done, and when I began to realise the extent of what I had done to her, I started to hate myself and felt enormous guilt and shame. The words she had said to me before that I didn't care about started to have more meaning and as understood them I hated myself for it. I know she isn't perfect but she didn't deserve what I did to her. She didn't deserve how I treated her. I resolved to change, to try and resurrect our relationship.
She initially was very cold about this and still seems very very reluctant. We still live in the same house and share the same bed, though without sex. In the past I always cooked and tried to look after the kitchen whilst she did the laundry and we split the other chores. I used to be glued to my laptop whilst at home spending hours a day searching for a new job. Now I just want to make amends and show her I am changing. For the past few weeks I have started to do all the laundry, I have cut booze down to 1-2 drinks a week, cut my calories to less than a 1000 most days, when I am at home I am in the gym at 5.30 am before I come home to get our son ready for school at 7am. I used to only transfer the mortgage and school fees into the joint account but now I transfer every penny into it. I spend all weekend bonding with my son to let her revise for her work exams. I want to make her happy and have a future with her. Given all the shitty things I have done I know this will take a long long time. I have let her down many times before and she has no faith in me now.
She has told me she had a plan to leave me and had spoken to solicitors. We aren't married but do own a house and have a child together. I asked her to pause her plan whilst I tried to prove myself to her. My regret and remorse are very sincere and I think she knows this.
Whilst I know this will move slowly I am keen to see any positive sign I can which might show we have a future together. We have repainted most of the house together. We have bought a new bed to replace the one she has complained about. Over the past two days we have spent hours on the phone, though she doesn't always reply to my messages. When she was revising at the weekend she did some of it whilst lying in the bath, I sat on the loo for an hour and listened. When I left for the train to go away for work on Sunday I asked her not to show me affection unless she wanted to and she gave me a peck on the lips. Also slightly unusually (for most people) she squeezed some of the pimples off my back on Saturday evening (though she enjoys this). Today she suggested when her mom comes to stay with us in December that we could all (me, her, son and her mom) go to Venice for a weekend. She
knows I have always wanted to go and she suggested it before. Though she also said I had invited myself into the trip. Are these signs she is warming a little bit towards me or am I reading to much into it?
Before anyone says what a horrible idiot I have been, I know, I regret it, I can't turn back the clock I can only try to do my best in future. Apologies if this is boring to read.