Is this normal?

[Ibizafun]

My ds ended his 4 year relationship with his girlfriend. She is a total one off, an unusually kind person who has supported him and made him what he is, and I have no doubt he’ll regret it one day.

Feels like I am grieving. Why can’t I get a grip? I almost feel her confusion and pain. What’s worse is they share a house at uni so are physically stuck together till next summer which is horrendous.

Has anyone else felt similar? She was like my dd, part of the family.

My sister in law and brother in law split up earlier in the year. I am still so sad that I'll never see him again. That he won't be at family gatherings. I know she is happier and that's what counts. But I am still sad (and secretly think she'll regret it).

Yes I think so you’ve lost a friend or another daughter almost. And you’ll have had plans in your head for them getting married and kids etc.

SIL and BIL

Thanks.. Jane you’re right I thought the future was certain. I will never forget her and always hope she’s happy. Just shocked by the intensity of my sadness I guess

NotTonight that’s so lovely. Not sure if my ds’s next girlfriend would agree though..

Your sister’s boyfriend’s mum obviously knew a gem when she saw one too, and couldn’t stop caring for her. Incredible that that connection was so strong it lasted. I think my son just met her too young to appreciate her. Thanks xx

I think you need to be careful that you don't alienate your son over this. The split isn't about you and he is likely to be upset and need your support eveb if he instigated it.

SIL and BIL

That would probably mean a spouse’s brother/sister and their spouse.
So for example, if I had a husband. His sister would be my sister in law and her spouse would be my brother in law.

My aunt kept in touch with one of my cousins first girlfriends. If you want to, you should. Don't pass comment on the relationship, just let her know you'd like to keep in touch with her in future and hear how she is etc.

I'm 50 and still in touch with the mother of a boyfriend I had at 15/16. She was wonderfully supportive at a time when I really wasn't getting on with my own mother.

I can understand why it’s affected you so much. It’s like losing a member of the family.
Not quite the same but my sister and her boyfriend (both 10 yrs younger than me) were together from 16 to 24. My whole family loved him, but it was right they split when they did. He was like an uncle to my kids and still is, he’s just turned 40 and is one of my best friends still, like a little brother.
Understandably my sister is not thrilled about this, and I don’t mention it often. But he means the world to me so not prepared to lose that.
I think maybe reach out to your son’s ex, see how she responds. Of course you want to be there for your boy but it doesn’t always mean the end of a friendship with his girlfriend.

My Dd 23 is still in touch with her first boyfriends mum. They meet a couple of times per year when she comes home for a visit and send odd texts or cards to each other. She was with her first boyfriend from 16-18 and split when they went to separate unis, similar to a PP she hasn't seen or spoken to her ex since.

They swap small gifts at Christmas and usually go for lunch. She has had two serious relationships since her ex and although it was a bit strange at first they have a lovely friendship. They don't really talk about her ex as now their friendship is independent of him. I'm not sure what he thinks about the situation but it doesent seem to be an issue.

When the dust has settled maybe you could have similar contact although I do appreciate there are issues such as how acrimonious the split was and how your DS would feel to consider.

I think this is normal. My mother in law told me many many times over 24 years until she died that I would never be as lovely as Karen. Karen was my husband's 1st serious girlfriend. They were together 2 years. 5 Years before we met.

My daughter split with boyfriend of 18 months. He was lovely and i do miss him but my daughter does seem happier now. Her happiness comes first to me.

Yes totally normal - when my DS and his first serious gf split three years ago I was devastated and missed her so much. She had lived with us for a time when things weren't going so well with her own family and had been on holiday with us - I loved her bring around.
I posted on MN too at the time asking if it was normal to feel so cut up - I got told I was over-invested in their relationship! Responses to your thread have been much kinder!

@Ibizafun. I wonder if there is also an element of you feeling her son was “safe” with her and now he’s not with her. I remember being upset that my DD spilt with her BF because it meant she was clubbing every night, hooking up etc. Of course that was her right to do so but I do admit, I worried less when she was out for a meal and at the cinema with him!

SIL and BIL

Which part of this is hard to grasp?

onemorecupofcoffee, pretty sure I remember your thread. You got a right old telling off, I may have even posted on it because I understood how you felt.

It'll get easier OP, I've liked and lost many potential son in laws now, weathered several broken engagements and it's ok.

How is your DS doing?
Is he coping OK?
It may have been a really hard decision for him to make.
I remember ending one of my relationships.
Yes, the wedding was booked.
Yes, he was like a son to my mum and dad.
But I remember them just not being there for me.
It was a horrendous few months for me with very little support from my family. They all felt for him. Rightly so, but I need them too.
They all regretted it after and realised I needed them.
So don't shut him out. He may need you.

Diggybiccys yes she has supported him through times when he needed it so badly and rejected our support so I guess there is an element of ‘safety’ with her.

Hellsbellsmelons he’s coping fine at the moment but I just hope things don’t turn acrimonious as they share a house. I will always be there for him, she has a brilliant mother and doesn’t really need another one. He didn’t cheat, isn’t married to her so i know he is entitled to end it, and better now than down the line. It wasn’t an impulsive decision.

I don’t feel the need for a future relationship with her (although I would love one), more that I just want so much for her to find happiness and would just love to just know she is ok! Thanks all again for your helpful replies, I know now that I’m not mad!