Flag alerts or ok? (sorry if tmi)

[user63212]

After some good relationships, I ended up in an abusive one which ended last year. I'm quite wary about looking for red flags early on and after a third date with someone last friday, let's call him Mike, I'm wondering if these things are ok...sorry if tmi, i didnt know how to phrase some things.

1. we were kissing (at his place) and i had my hands all over him, over clothes. i went near his crotch and initiated this. i unbuckled his belt. as we carried on kissing he pushed my hand back to his crotch when it moved and he tucked it inside his jeans. i thought this was a bit full on but (its been a while!!!) maybe that is usual for a man to do when you are passionately kissing and touching him?

1. mid way through giving him a hand job (sorry theres no way to say that nicely!!), i stopped (for a break) and kissed him and then he carried on touching himself, while i was cuddled into him and we kissed. after that i finished him off, but there was a couple of minutes where he was taking the lead on this. is this usual?!

1. he was whispering to me that he wanted to lick me etc as i was giving him a hand job (i said i wasnt ready for that after he had come and he said he wanted to sort me out too).

1. said sex is one of the most important, if not the most important, thing in a relationship and that he wouldnt marry someone without having had sex with them (it was topical on the tv so we discussed it briefly). im fine with either - i would wait if someone wanted to but also enjoy sex so have no views on it where marriage is concerned.

maybe overthinking this? i enjoyed time with him but part of the abuse with the last guy was that he was very pushy with sex and would go into a mood if i didnt want to sleep with him. im looking for anything that could be wrong at the outset...

just to clarify with 3... after he had come he said he wanted to sort me out and i said i wasnt ready. he wasnt trying to push anything.

You're overthinking it.

You undid his belt. That's a fair sign that you intended to get in his trousers. Why else would you do it?

You stopped halfway through a hand job. That's going to be frustrating, it follows that he'll carry on.

He wanted to return the gesture. You said no and he respected that.

No red flags there. But it does sound like you're not ready for a relationship. Look after yourself and back away if you feel things are too much for you.

i am in therapy and i think i knew it was ok but im so wary after what happened last year. at the start is all seemed exciting and full on so i want to avoid that where i can.

i definitely initiated the belt undoing but i suppose i thought it was a bit bold to put my hand under his boxers. ive also never been in a situation where someone has taken the lead mid way through, but then like you say, ive actually never stopped mid way either.

He sounds fine to me. I agree with him on not marrying without having sex first as you need to be compatible in that respect if sex is important to you. And he just wanted you to have a good time too which is what he should do. I don't think you are ready for intimacy yet from your post. You seem a bit unsure as to whether you want it or not

I really wanted to be ready, i like him.

guess im just trying not to miss a red flag.

No red flags there, OP.

You unbuckled his belt, seems reasonable for him to think you were happy to get your hand in there. What did you want to happen after you'd unbuckled his belt?

Reasonable for him to finish himself off when you stopped.

Also totally reasonable for him to want to return the favour. Sounds more like a thoughtful lover than a red flag!

No red flags but I think you have created something here, namely a very confused man. You undid his belt and started something but felt it was too early for him to touch you. He wanted to lick you and you declined.

Of course no woman should go beyond her comfort zone, but it does seem riddled with puzzlement at the moment. Make up your mind what you want from this but don’t mislead someone else.

Seems fairly OK to me.

But no harm to be reassuring yourself.

i did want to take it further but it takes me a while to relax. ie a few weeks if not months of knowing someone before i will be intimate in terms of recieving or sex.

i definitely didnt mind doing what i did for him but he just seemed very confident.. in a nice way but also made me query red flags

It sounds fine. You are both learning each other. Doesn't sound to me like you gave him mixed messages or like he pressured you.
Might be worth thinking more about why you feel uncomfortable tho? Did you feel like he was pressuring you to carry on when he carried on wanking? Did that make you feel like you had to start touching him again when you would've been happier to stop? In that case it might be worth keeping an eye on for the future

I don’t see any red flags.

If he had repeatedly kept moving your hand back to his crotch when you said no, or tried to force himself on you after he told you he’d like to lick you, that’d be an entirely different story but I don’t see anything like that in what you wrote.

Sounds like you’ve had a bad experience before. Is the now the right time to be in a relationships, especially if you’re still in therapy?

i didnt particularly want to carry on but only because i was feeling shy and i definitely didnt communicate that i would have preferred to stop so he wouldnt have known.

i do like him and i just wanted a check i guess that all was as it seemed as i have missed red flags inthe past...

Hi OP

Not necessarily red flags. Carrying on himself infront of you, some people are absolutely fine with this in relationships and it might be a sign that he is completely comfortable with you. Or could be a sign he doesnt really read signals very well and claims 'once hes got going he can't stop'.

Saying he wanted to do stuff to you, I'd think is normal and a good sign it's not purely about his pleasure only.

Saying he would want sex before marriage I would imagine that 95pc if the population agree so in that respect is completely normal.

Saying sex is the most important thing in a relationship would make me slightly wary...as in a long relationship there are always going to be periods where sex doesnt happen (one of you having to work away, illness, injury, pregnancy, emotional issues etc) and I guess I would wonder how he would react to this (eg would he be one of those men who cheat when his wife has just given birth because 'he had needs and they're not being met at home'.

Not a red flag but as an aside I find it such a turn off for a man to put my hand somewhere.

i definitely didnt communicate that i would have preferred to stop so he wouldnt have known.
Hmmm. So either he ignored your body language or you did a very good job hiding your feelings. Both things you probably should discuss in therapy
for you. Its really hard

Not a red flag but as an aside I find it such a turn off for a man to put my hand somewhere.

That’s fair enough but OP took the lead by undoing his belt without discussing it so maybe it was his way of showing he was enthusiastic about the next step?