I feel so sad about my dad

[rickandmorts]

Hi just wondering if someone can help me make sense of these feelings because I'm struggling. My dad has always had manic depression and was emotionally abusive and manipulative growing up. As I got older and started standing up for myself the fights turned physical and he would regularly pin me down to scream in my face or throw stuff at me. My mum was just an anxious peace keeping bystander. When I was 16 he started trying to kill himself and was in and out of MH facilities and things calmed down as he was so heavily medicated he just slept for nearly 24 hours a day when he was home and I didn't really see him.

Fast forward to now and he lives in assisted living near to where I am. My mum and him aren't together but she takes him out twice a week. I've tried initiating contact, saying did he want to go on a dog walk with me. Little texts. He rarely replies or does with just a one word answer. I was driving through the village where he lives today and I just broke down crying, proper ugly horrible crying because I just felt so overwhelmed and sad about the fact he doesn't want to know me. I'm 25 so shouldn't really care but it seems the older I get the more it weighs on me that my dad has absolutely no interest in my life or me as a person. He told my brother a few years ago that I hated him so he wasn't going to make any effort. And yeah as a teenager I did hate him because he was such a horrible fucking wanker to me and my mum but he's still my dad and I don't think it's fair to not contact me at all now for acting out when I was 15.

My mum just says it's his depression that stops him having a relationship with me but I've had depression too and I feel this is a lazy excuse? I've had counselling too and nothing came of it, it just brought up painful memories. Have I a right to feel this fucking sad all the time? It just weighs on me a lot and I feel it will get worse when I have kids

I'm so sorry op
My dad is dead now but I can relate to some of the stuff you're saying. Having a parent with mh problems is incredibly tough.
What I would say is that your dad sounds really unwell...most people would be able to process the fact that words said by a teenager in anger or frustration to a parent aren't to be taken literally for the rest of their life. What a sad situation for everyone

I am an older version of you. You are stuck in a negative relationship feedback cycle.

Assuming you can one day discretely pigeonhole this relationship in a space that doesn't impact you and move on from it, you will realize how profoundly negative it is. What I found really striking was, when I had kids and thought back to my own childhood, how could a parent ever behave in such a manner? Parents are their children's #1 advocates and supporters. If you come into the world without them in that role, or in your case a -1 which also sounds that your mother's position was also compromised, how can you thrive?

You need to remove yourself from the feedback cycle and concentrate on anything and everything else. First and foremost yourself and getting you where you want to be in life...whatever path that entails. You have been handicapped for decades by this. You need to build a "You" that you want to be.

So sorry OP.

It is fair to want what you deserve from your dad.

Having said that - please understand that wanting fairness and being angry about not getting it, is as much use as chewing gum in the hope that it stops world hunger.

Being chronically sad and angry about the shit hand you were dealt will only compound the pain that your dad's incompetence has already created in your life.

I say this as someone who is literally dealing with the exact same feelings re my mum! My dad as well but he is now dead and the ship has sailed and I've sort of put that in a box and said goodbye to it.

It's not fair. Its horrible. For years I was eaten alive by the injustice of it. When I started to accept the unfairness, to accept that everyone on this earth has had terribly unfair things happen to them, that life is bt nature hugely unfair- I started to live a little more easily.

You'll get there. You are going to be ok. It's a process, it hurts, but it helps to just let it happen and start to grieve it and let it go x I'm so dreadfully sorry about what happened to you when you were young.

Thank you @formerbabe and rationally I know he's unwell but then I often feel selfish that I don't understand depression because I think no matter how poorly I am, if I had kids I would not treat them in this way. I feel like he's told himself I hate him to absolve him of any responsibility in forming a relationship with me. I left the NHS 2 months ago (was qualified) and started a job in a totally new field and it was so scary yet exciting. I went out for tea with my mum and dad (she takes him out every weekend but I don't usually go as I find it too much) and told him and his only response was 'haven't you taken a huge pay cut?'. I felt like the wind had been knocked out my sails .

@WilliamFlagellum your post has made me cry, it resounded with me so much. Sometimes I will be driving along and that exact thought will pop into my head, how is he not my advocate and number one supporter? My mum does so much for me and has been both my mum and my dad growing up, I'm not stupid, I know she bought all my Christmas and birthday presents and said they were from him too. She tried to protect me from him growing up but I will honestly never understand or forgive her for not leaving him to protect me. I was such an anxious child who was crying out for help (used to beg to sleep with my mum until I was 12 but my dad would lock me out their room, I had OCD tendencies and bulimia as a teen) and just no one listened. My heart breaks for myself as a child and I can't wait to have my own and create a safe loving environment. Thank you

You're right @rvby and I'm so sorry you're dealing with the same thing re your mum. And you're so right I am being eaten alive by the injustice. I see my friends and both their parents love and look out for them and I just think what's so bad about me that my own dad can't be arsed to text me back. I love my aunt and uncle so much but sometimes I get so mad at my cousin that both his parents adore him and constantly talk about him when he's not there and he can't even see how lucky he is, he takes it completely for granted. And then I feel guilty about that!

Well, I toast the future you.

I'll offer some hope and advice as well. I moved away from my home city when I was three years older than you are currently. I took a middling job, busted my hump, never said, "That's not in my job description," regardless of how ridiculous the task, received a few promotions, got to see the world, found a lovely woman, had kids who my wife and I poured every once of energy and time (your energy and time is way more valuable than your money when raising children) we had into and have turned out fantastically well - they end up being your friends if you raise them right. I was three years behind you. When I got away from the negative sphere of influence life became joyous while I wasn't paying attention.

Bits of advice: Stop thinking and talking about it with people in your real life. They will find it a drag and as an exercise it keeps you (your head) in the negative feedback cycle. I'm not one to say I understand therapy, but as a concept, consistently paying someone to revert your thoughts to a situation that diminishes your confidence is just a good way to keep the cycle going. It may work for some people. I am not one of those people.

Pick up hobbies that keep you distracted. You may even pick up hobbies you enjoyed as a kid or wanted to do, but didn't have the opportunity. It will be cathartic.

Surround yourself with people who make you laugh until your sides hurt. Be loyal to those people and in your head consider them part of your extended family. Have the strength to enjoy time by yourself.

The most important piece of advice I can give you, and this ties into the not talking about it with people in real life, is do not date anyone who has parallel life issues. It will always go poorly and you are just wasting your time as well as the other person's time. When you make new friends and they ask about your parents just shrug and say that you and your father didn't get on particularly well and leave it at that with them and as well as in your head. The second you start explaining it away further it will become awkward and you will start reliving it and a good bit of your progress will be washed away.

Lastly, go buy yourself a mechanical pencil with extra lead and a notebook. Write your thoughts and feelings down. Date every entry. Knock out a poem or scribble as necessary.