Feel unsupported after bereavement

[Dementedmagpie]

After a short period of illness my Ddad passed away earlier in the autumn. He had had cancer for several years but had enjoyed some good health and a busy life in periods of remission.
When I knew the end was very near, I took DH and DC, effectively to say goodbye. (I had been visiting 2-3 times a week) DH said he would stay in the car but I said they should all come in (as I was sure this would be the last time they saw Ddad, and it was.)
Even though I knew and accepted what was coming it still felt like a real shock when he died.
I feel like I haven't properly grieved yet and have been busy with work and DC.
But I don't feel like DH has been in my corner throughout.
After the funeral he said it wasn't as sad as my mums funeral (who died years ago) because "he felt like it was his time to go" where as my mum was much younger. I felt upset with that and said even if he had been 100 part of me still wouldnt have been ready to say goodbye. And I felt aggrieved having lost both parents at a relatively young age. (40) he reminded me of a school friend who had lost both parents when he was a teenager.
A few weeks later we had a chat and he said how hard it must be for me losing both my parents, so I feel like it took a really long time to emotionally sink in for him.
This weekend I felt really down and tearful (brought on by no apparent reason) but then when I was only half awake on Sunday morning, I thought of visiting my Ddad which made me really upset. DH was going to a charity meal and I said I would meet him there but I was late and he called to ask where I was. I didn't want to speak on the phone so I sent a text saying I'm finding the weekend really hard, and I was on my way.(I was in tears writing the text) but he didnt say anything when I arrived or acknowledge the text.
But weirdly has shown a lot of sympathy for other people who have lost a parent in the same time scale, and said he felt emotional hearing about a sportsman on TV who had recently lost a parent.
I just feel like he's not completely there for me (even if he didn't know what to say, just give me a hug)
I'm not emotionally close to Ddads remaining family although I have siblings who I am close to, and we live quite a way from DH family and I think they would be sympathetic.

How is your relationship otherwise? Do you think it's a sign you've grown apart?

My bf's mother died on Tuesday. I saw him straight afterwards and he came to me for a hug, so it was easy to know how to "help", but generally he does not want to dwell on it, and doesn't like it if I act sympathetic when he has a problem, as it makes him feel weaker (as I understand it). I don't think there's one correct way to act around a bereaved person - so it can be hard to know what to do.

At the same time, maybe your dh feels really awkward? It sounds as if he was trying to "make it better" by saying how it was his time to go. But that tactic didn't work, and just made you feel worse, so maybe he has now run out of ideas about how to react and is steering clear of the subject? Could you specifically tell him that you don't want him to make it better; you just want a hug? That is honestly not obvious to people. And then thank him when he does it right?

I would say things are generally good between us although he sometimes seems quite distant and not listening to what I say, but that's not new. and not specific to me as he seems not to hear DC when they are talking to him, and work colleagues say the same!!

You need to tell him everything you've said here. He can definitely do better. He needs this pointing out so he can make a change. So sorry for your loss. Your post made me tear up. It's OK not to be strong.

You knew what was coming, but it was still a real shock. Of course it was. This is so true. It is very hard, when someone dies. I too am sorry for your loss.

It sounds like he's being less than the ideal, and insensitive, and you are raw with pain and bereavement. I agree with the idea of asking him clearly for what you need. See what happens. I hope he gives you the hug you need.

So he's generally a bit blind to what's going on around him, and quite slow to work out how people might be feeling? That can be hard to live with. When he heard about this sportsman, maybe it was presented very clearly and simply so that he was able to see why the sportsman would feel devastated? It does sound as if you'd need to sit him down and try to get his attention and explain. I know that if he's a grown adult he should theoretically be able to work it out for himself, but well, some people can be slow, and waiting for him to "get it" is clearly making you feel like crap.

As I was growing up, my family was never emotional, never into hugging or discussing things, and even at 50 I feel like I'm still learning how to respond when someone's upset. My bf was at his mother's funeral yesterday (a long way away and I didnt know her, so I wasn't asked too). Going to see him tonight and I hope I can get it right.

I am sorry for your loss @Dementedmagpie. It is really difficult when you lose your parents or a close relative. Your husband may struggle with processing the emotions of those closest to him. Are there any bereavement groups local to you?

First of all I’m so very sorry about your Dad, you clearly loved and miss him very much.

I think you’re looking for reassurance that you’re supported and loved, and your DH just isn’t giving you what you need. You might need to spell it out for him what that means for you. Maybe he relies on you to cope with things normally, and he’s just not getting that this is catastrophic for you, and will be for quite some time.

Grief affects people in different ways, sometimes we can feel quite angry about the loss but not know what to do with that anger. It might help you to think about grief counselling, and thinking about the loss of both your parents.

I completely sympathise with you, you poor woman. It is hard to lose both parents.

My DH had a real moan the day after my mother's death, because me and siblings had arranged the funeral on a date which clashed with his weekend plans. I haven't forgotten it, and that was years ago.

I think he needs to tread more carefully and be a more self aware. This type of stuff is important.

Has he lost a parent yet, OP? He may just be completely unable to relate to something that he personally hasn't gone through yet. I've known a few people like this, male and female, and they can't face the thought of losing a parent, so they absolutely never contemplate it. So when they are faced with the reality, when it happens to someone they know, they know it's sad, but they don't know how sad, and they don't really want to think about it.

I lost my dad earlier this year, 20 years after my mum passed away. I’m asked how is his wife, my siblings, my children but very, very rarely how I am.
I suspect that he doesn’t want to offer too much as he doesn’t know how to cope with your grief. It’s hard to deal with someone you love being upset, it’s easier to not upset them or to say “there, there, don’t cry”. Maybe if you tell him what you want and what you want him to do, he’d understand (as in, I want to be able to talk about dad and feel sad, I just need you to give me a hug).

Sorry about your Dad

Grief is a funny old thing and everyone reacts differently. And theres no handbook in how to support someone who is grieving, plus we dont talk about it much so he might not have the emotional intelligence to understand what youre going through and what you need. Having said that I think your dhs reaction is insensitive at best you should google comfort in dump out and send the link to him.

Id also really recommend listening to griefcast by cariad lloyd. Its her talking to comedians about grief and death. Its like free therapy! It has made me feel much better about my dads death and a bit less alone - it might do the same for you.

I agree with @Zaphodsotherhead - my parents are still alive. I know "theroretically" that it must be horrible, but I haven't experienced it myself; it's not the same. Yesterday I asked my bf if it felt strange not having his mum there any more - he lost his dad very young - and he said that it doesn't necessarily sink in at first, and moments of grief come later, for example when they don't call. He's pretty good at explaining it :(

Have you looked at the bereavement section of this talk forum btw?

My mum died in March and I don’t have any other relatives, I’m 39. I don’t think people know how to relate unless you’ve been through something like that, my dh does his best but mum and I had a difficult relationship and it’s very hard for him to know what to say. Most of the time I just hide the grief and see it like puddles, sometimes I’ve jumped into a puddle and sometimes I jump over them. I think you should explain to your dh what you need from him, it’s possible he doesn’t even realise.