Separation - stay or go?

[Loola6]

So I have told my husband I want to separate but he is very controlling (hence why I am leaving) he has also been physically aggressive in the past. Since I told him he has not wanted to talk about how it will work and keeps saying it's too soon. I get the feeling he is up to something with his finances etc and I've not felt comfortable being in the house with him as he's been acting strangely and I just don't trust him. If I wanted to just move out and take my child with me and file for divorce and sort finances from my new home would that cause me any issues?

I suggest you get legal advice from a solicitor. Have you had any support from a DV organisation like Women's Aid?

It's generally ill-advised to tell someone abusive that you are planning to leave as those exiting an abusive relationship are most at risk when leaving. Even if he's never been physically aggressive before. Abusers don't like to lose control.

You've also given him plenty of time to get legal advice and organise his finances.

Make a solicitors appointment as soon as you possibly can with a solicitor trained in or with experience dealing with abusers.

Here is the CABx guide to divorce and separation (in England, laws vary): www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/getting-a-divorce/

Your local DV organisation or Women's Aid can perhaps guide you on appropriate solicitors in your area.

Gingerbread have an advice line for single parents re child maintenance, contact, benefits etc They also have parent support groups.

Rights of Women give free legal advice on family law and may also be worth giving a call.

Time is of the essence here OP.

@12345kbm Thanks for your advice. I've been in touch with womens aid and they advised I should try and leave ASAP and if I can do it when he's not there then all the better. However I wouldn't be moving far and I'm worried this would just make him lose it more. Plus what happens about my daughter as the solicitor I spoke to said I could just tell him when he could see her and if he didn't agree I'd have to go to court but he acts like father of the year with posts all over facebook and is very controlling with seeing her too and he's very charming when he wants so would probably get what he wants. Plus if I let him see her he could just not bring her back....he has parental responsibility so been told he could do that....it's just so bloody hard.
I feel like I need to move out for my own mental healthand safety but scared of the repercussions,...He hasn't done enough to get an occupation order and he won't move out....

Well done for getting in contact with WA. I know how hard that is.

Why did they say to leave ASAP and did they suggest a refuge?

Obviously don't say anything person or outing here. Basic outline is fine.

I don't want to go to a refuge, I would rather get a house and go....They suggested if I have the chance to get out now while my mental health is not getting any worse then I should as longer stay the harder it will be...

Move for sure If the house is jointly owned you could put a charge on it

I would still get advice from a solicitor first. It doesn't sound as though your solicitor has DV experience from what you're saying.

In the first instance, I would contact Rights of Women.

If you can't get an Occupation Order, haven't been offered a refuge and want to leave because of mental health issues (which is perfectly understandable) then moving out is the next best option.

If he threatens you, then you may be able to get a non molestation order and yes, the best time to go is when he's not there.

It's obviously better all round if you stay in the family home because it provides the most stability for your child.

I think you need advice from Rights of Women before making plans to leave. Ask them to recommend a good solicitor in your area. They can give you appropriate advice regarding contact rights. Do that as soon as you can.

I'm assuming WA helped you organise a safety plan, if not get that organised as well so you can leave with minimum risk.

@FabbyChix what do you mean by put a charge on the house?? Thanks

@12345kbm thanks for your suggestions. Yes I had advice from womens aid about how to leave safely.
I looked and rights of women aren't available until 7-9pm and I have my daughter every night so I've asked my solicitor a few queries.
Thanks for all your help

I have advised you to contact your local DV organisation in order to find appropriate solicitors in your area. They may even have legal advice clinics available, I don't know, you'd need to check.

I'm not sure how, having your daughter with you, means that you can't talk on the phone. However, Rights of Women are also available on Friday from 12-2pm as well. They also have a London helpline which has more daily opening hours.

You're married and I'm sure you've had advice from your solicitor regarding your home. If you are absolutely determined to move out and have drawn up a safety plan, then I'm not sure what's stopping you.

You might find this helpful: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/marriage-your-rights-to-your-home/

Thanks - I have asked DV support line for solicitors trained in domestic abuse and both reccomendations weren't there anymore! I found someone through a referral.

My daughter is 2 and is on the spectrum and it's impossible to talk with her there.....

I have had advice that I would not lose my right to 50% of my home by moving out but I am worried that he could get more access to my daughter by saying I abandoned the family home.

Please phone RoW on Friday. I also recommend Gingerbread 0808 802 0925 They are a charity who support single parents and have a helpline for exactly these questions re access rights, contact, etc

I understand that you are panicking, but leaving without fully exploring your options, may not be in your best interests. Solicitor's vary in competence and experience, it's why I'm pushing you to get a. advice from RoW as I know they are experienced in DV issues and very good at what they do. b. a solicitor experienced in DV as they will know how to handle your husband.

Phone Gingerbread today and you can ask all the other questions you have regarding separation. They cannot give legal advice, so I would wait for Friday.

Start looking for somewhere to move and research removal companies. Some provide a packing service so they'll come in and pack everything up for you which may prove useful for a fee.

I'm sure that since you've already organised a safety plan, that you have a bag packed up and hidden away or with someone, should you have to flee and that you've got access to and copies of all relevant documents pertaining to the house, finances and everything else relating to the divorce.

I'm wondering if someone can come and stay with you while you make the calls, a friend or relative or another mother you know so they can look after your daughter while you try the phone lines. They can sometimes be difficult to get through to.

Here is the email for RoW: [email protected]

Gingerbread helpline:

Mondays: 10am to 6pm
Tuesdays/Thursdays/Fridays: 10am to 4pm
Wednesdays: 10am-1pm and 5pm-7pm
The helpline is closed on all public holidays.

Since time is of the essence OP. You can take a look at the
Family Law Panel which was started by someone who worked in Domestic Violence. It's a free directory service for members of the public to access professional and independent family law information.

Solicitors and/or mediators offer an initial free advice session and provide tailored support and signposting thereafter. Professionals who can offer support with Domestic Violence are listed with a purple ribbon next to their name.

They also have a 'reduced fees scheme' for those earning under a certain bracket.

thefamilylawpanel.org/

@12345kbm Thanks so much for all your help and advice. I spoke to gingerbread earlier and they were really good. I've just had a look at the familylaw panel and will contact a few solicitors on there with purple ribbons.

I have to decide by tomorrow whether to take the rental house I have been accepted for so I think I am going to withdraw from taking the property while I do more research and get better prepared. Part of me just wants to go but it might be best to get more information first.

I'm really pleased to hear it's been helpful and you sound a lot calmer as well.

I'm glad you're staying put for the time being. I think it's the best thing to do until you have had proper advice.

Well done OP, I know it's hard but you're getting there.

@12345kbm
Thanks so much. I’ve just turned down the house, felt guilty as due to get keys at weekend. However spoke to solicitor this morning and she said I could work harder to get him to leave the house So he can’t manipulate the situation to his advantage, so will ask him again, if he doesn’t then solicitor can write him a letter requesting him to and if still won’t can apply for an occupation order to get him out while sort finances etc... so might be few more months of pain but hopefully will help my case. Thanks again for all your support x

I'm so pleased to hear that you now have someone who knows what they are doing and are giving you good advice. Please look after yourself and stay safe.

Thanks...asked him today and surprise surprise he won't move out....wish i'd just taken house!

Don't panic. Just call your solicitor tomorrow to discuss. We always knew he was going to be difficult.

Did he get aggressive?