Lack of intimacy !

[chocolateorange1]

Husband here asking !...married 25 years+ mid 50's now, 3 kids 17 and more. Both fully fit / no health issues. We last had sex or any other physical contact 5 years ago. Just kind of stopped. Never been discussed. Just got used to it now. Share same bed. Relationship ticks along in a friendly enough way but no intimacy / romance. Whats my question?! Are others couples in same situation. Is that it for life ? Did you change / how ?

Why didn’t you discuss it?!

It always seems like no one on MN is shagging so you’re in good company. The questions should be are you okay with it, if not will you try and change it, is it time to move on.

If intimacy equal sex for you, i do understand your Challenge. In my World, intimacy is the foundation of sex.
Do you pay attention to your wifes needs in and out of bedroom?

Just buy yourself a flash car and run off with the local bike 20 yrs younger. Or talk to your wife? You may find she's feeling neglected/ unattractive now she's the wrong side of 50.

yes agreed 100% re intimacy / sex point. Guess am scared to raise it as I'm worried that will open a can of worms and it is easier bury head in the sand ..my problem I know !

Same situation here - no sex since my youngest was conceived 6 years ago. I am only 42. I feel like he used me to make his babies. I now consider us to be separated, but Living together. I feel stuck in a crappy marriage until the kids are older. I long for a more fulfilling sex life. Hopefully your wife isn’t feeling the same way as I do. Hats off to you for asking the question.

have you discussed it with him or are you burying head in sand ?!

I'm 24 and female and had this conversation with my DP (10 years older) a couple of months ago.
I had a baby in May. It just stopped during pregnancy for a number of reasons - sickness, tired, uncomfortable. After I gave birth he tried to initiate and I said no, I wasn't ready. Then I tried to initiate a few weeks later and he said no because he thought I was just doing it because i felt guilty.
Then we both just felt awkward and self-conscious.

We both thought the other had gone off the idea of each other which wasn't the case at all. We both missed it and were so out of practise we felt uncomfortable initiating it.

Honestly just talk. You'll wish you'd done it 5 years ago!

yes think you right about being so out of practice / uncomfortable initiating... Yikes wish me luck with the talk, not sure I'm brave enough !

Good luck! You'll be ok. Whatever happens you'll have a starting point for whatever comes next.

I think it is common. Especially dare I say, when women approach the menopause. I know lots of women in their 40s who basically said if they never had to do it again it would be too soon. I think it is in part hormonal. Not sure what to suggest. Maybe a visit to the GP to discuss HRT? It can also be due to tiredness, a sense of no romance outside the bedroom. But I do think a huge part of it is dropping hormones.

@damnthatanxiety somehow I don't feel that HRT is the best way to approach this conversation until his wife has discussed why she feels they're not intimate

thanks for posts...she has never mentioned menopause...I did think about it of course...guess shows how far apart we have drifted never ever discuss anything personal found it best to stick to non controversial subjects...

I wonder if your wife is on here saying the same things you are! Communication is always best and I guess it's always down to your approach and delivery. Good Luck

GiveHerHellFromUs you are right....It's a minefield. I am concerned however that the OP seems to not be able to broach any subject that might be personal, physical or emotional with his DW. This is sad.

DH and I (married 22 years) were in a similar position up until last year. It was difficult to have decent sex with 3 teens in the house who were awake later than we were/house with thin walls/youngest DC would be up at the crack of dawn ruling out morning sex. We were also under a lot of stress so were quite often arguing as well so we just didn't bother and time went on. DH has a day off in the weekday every two weeks and that would be our rampant sex day as DC all out but our SN DC had to be home schooled so that went out of the window too.

We couldn't be affectionate as that would lead to sex so we just didn't touch each other at all. It was like living as housemates albeit sharing the same bed and turned away from each other.

The lack of sex was brought up occasionally in arguments but neither of us would deal with the elephant in the room. The longer we went without, the harder it was to reinstigate and the more the resentment grew.

However my sex drive went nuts during peri menopause and one night I told DH to shag me or Ieave so I could find someone who would. Luckily he obliged and we realised what we'd been missing. We're up to something most nights and mornings now as quietly as possible! We have had to accept that DC may overhear and that can't be helped although they are usually plugged into headphones when upstairs.

We started a shared hobby as well which keeps us fit so we are more attractive to each other and we kiss and hug several times a day. We both make an effort with sexy undies, perfume etc. Sexting as well! Our relationship has been transformed and I'm kind of thankful for the 'drought' we had as we appreciate each other a lot more now.

As others have said, this is a communication issue as much as a sexual one. Your sex life should be an important part of,your relationship and you should be able to discuss it in the same way as you would discuss other aspects of your lives - your kids, money, holidays etc etc. If you can overcome that hurdle then you should have no physical problems in resuming an active sex life - we are early 60s and still DTD regularly. Making sure your DW enjoys the experience is very important, if she enjoys it she will want to repeat it!