Does counselling work?

[Foldinglaundryisnotforme]

To cut a long story short, our relationship is in a dire state of affairs and our attitudes in general are horrible to each other. We can't seem to communicate without getting angry, spiteful, exasperated and everything in between. The children have even picked up on it I'm ashamed to say! I get zero love or affection, we have no sex life, we don't do anything as a couple, we argue about who gets the most sleep, who's done the most childcare and practical things, it's all rather bloody pathetic and it's gone on so long I'm afraid there's no going back. If I'm entirely honest I'd walk away if it weren't for my three children. My eldest isn't his and has HF ASD, refers to him as dad. Youngest is a baby so would like to resolve the issues either way before he's old enough to be affected.

I either need some good news that counselling really can change things around or I need bolstering, reassurance and encouragement to split. I think a lot of my hesitation comes from me coming from a broken home, learned behaviour from my mother not being able to be alone and fear of being a single mum to three children with two fathers to coparent with. I have a lot of issues with temper, patience and self esteem I need to work on myself regardless.

Counselling does work but it depends on your counsellor.
Often, individual counselling works better and couples counselling works if you both want to put the effort in and make changes.

As @Charles11 has stated, you need to find a counsellor that you can both work with - because counselling is only as effective as the amount of work you put into it. Doing real work in counselling is the messiest, hardest thing you will ever do, but the most rewarding because you come away with self awareness, healing and solutions. The equal commitment needs to come from you and your partner and with the right counsellor for the both of you, counselling will help you find the answers you need (though these may not be the answer you were hoping for, counselling also offers the support for whatever answers may come.)

Relationship counselling can help with poor communication between you and offer you space to decide if you want to be together or need to find the least damaging way to separate.

Individual counselling could help you understand what’s gone wrong in your relationship from your perspective and if this situation evokes others earlier in your life. Both individual and couples counselling work best if you are committed to making changes and are ready to address things that are causing you problems.

IME relationship does one of three things, brings you to a joint decision to work on the relationship, brings you to a joint decision to end the relationship, or shows that one party is committed and one isn't to making it work.

So the general consensus seems to be to get into counselling as an individual and if he follows suit for himself and together then we go from there? Seems to be the most sensible way forward

I think all marriages break down for the same reasons (if there isn't a third person involved): the woman doesn't feel loved/cherished, and the man doesn't feel appreciated/admired. These things become a circle.

You can make things A LOT better by yourself. Laura Doyle talks a lot of sense if you manage to forget the fact she wrote about being a "surrendered wife". Her book "First Kill All The Marriage Counsellors" (awful title) is a good easy step.

Good luck. Marriage is so hard.

Counselling works but you need to BOTH have an open mind. At first, it'll be a bit of a battle trying to get everything out to the counsellor but once the counsellor has a sense of you, your partner and issues, will work with you to be a neutral party.

I cannot stress enought NEUTRAL and I say this because I have heard some horror stories! As others have mentioned, do your research on reviews and maybe post on here for recommendations around your local area -maybe someone can help.

I also second individual counselling - for me, this felt like a space where I could say anything I wanted without any judgement and definitely helped me see things in a completely different way. But that's just me.

Good luck -it will take work, but I hope you both manage to sort your issues and have a happier future x

@Franz123 thank you for reading and taking the time to reply. I have a suspicion that it may ultimately end in me being open and him half arsing it, or me getting to a headspace where I'm walking regardless but whatever the outcome its got to be healthier for my children and for us both rather than this mess right now. Hopefully I'll be back this time next year with a positive update and a much more settled lifestyle xxx

@foldinglaundryisnotforme whatever it does, it is an opportunity for you to talk to SOMEONE. Everyone needs that. Whatever the outcome, I hope it is the best for you all.

All the best x