Will I ever be free?

[ladybirdhotairballoon]

I'll try not to drip feed, so apologies if this is long.

Four years ago I found out my partner was having an affair. I was newly pregnant and we already had one DC under the age of 1. He had been seeing her since the beginning of my first pregnancy. He told me he was in love with her, left us and moved in with her. Heartbreak etc ensued.

Then he moved out from her house and said he was so sorry and it had been a big mistake etc etc.. then I took him back.. then I found out he was still seeing her. Then he said he'd definitely stopped this time then I took him back then found out he was still seeing her. I lose count of how many times this happened, but it was over the course of my second pregnancy. By the end of the pregnancy I finally saw the light and told myself I was never letting him do it to me again. (He never actually moved back in with us throughout this year, so saw her in the week and us at the weekends)

When the children were really little he used to stay here at the weekends to 'help me out' and see them. This wasn't ideal. Finally at the beginning of this year he admitted he'd actually moved in with his girlfriend again which is when I said he needed to stop staying here as it just wasn't right and was completely messing with my head. (He slept on the sofa all this time, we haven't acted like a couple for three years now, as I knew he was with someone else and was just here to see the children.)

So for the past year we've now moved to spending alternate weekends with our DC. Every other weekend they go to his house and spend time with him, his girlfriend and her children. He's a brilliant Dad and the relationship between us has, I thought, been great, considering everything that has happened. We both adore our children and work well as co-parents.

BUT the problems arise when I try to do anything with my life other than working and being a mother. After 3/4 years of being single and now being through the baby years, I thought I'd try dating. I told him I was going on a date thinking he'd be ok with it. I'm also pretty unable to lie as it doesn't sit right with me at all after all of his lies throughout our relationship. He responded by saying he wasn't bringing the kids back that weekend, which had the desired effect and got me into a panic. Thankfully he did bring them back but not after long rows over the phone with him.

He has maintained through all this time that he is in love with me, he doesn't want to be with her, he wants to be back home with us. He says the only reason he isn't is because I won't have him back. I always respond by saying he had a whole year of chances after I first found out and he wouldn't give OW up. And now he has set up home with her and blended their families which is actually fine by me now, aside from missing my DC horribly when they are there.

This past weekend it has stepped up a notch. It's my weekend with DC and last night I was pretty tired and went straight to bed without sending him a text to say that our DC were asleep ok (something we do every night) He rang me early this morning and woke me up and was pretty angry with me, saying I'm cutting him out, he hardly slept last night because he thought I was 'shagging all night' and he doesn't even know me anymore.

There's a bit more to it than that, he was upset because I also took our DC somewhere yesterday that we always used to take them as a family, and he thought I did it just to get at him and make him upset, which isn't at all true. He does family things with our DC and OW and her DC now, so I want to make the most of my time with them.

This morning we ended up on the phone for an hour going through the same argument that we have had countless times over the past three years. He loves me - no he doesn't, he's proved that by how much he hurt me - he's sorry - no he isn't, he would have given her up years ago if he was. Or on any number of the chances I gave him to. Or when I got down on my knees and begged him to come back (not my finest moment, I blame pregnancy hormones) And so on, forever and ever.

I am sorry I didn't text him last night and I apologised countless times. I would have worried if I hadn't heard from him just to let me know they were ok. But it was his insistence that I was doing it on purpose to hurt him. I'm not. He's moved on, I just want to be happy with my life. Dating isn't that important to me, I just thought it would be fun to be 'me' and fill my time when the DC are with him with going out and doing things for a change. But I don't think it's worth it for the aggro!

Phew that's long. Can anyone relate? How much time do I actually need to give it before I'm free from him?! Until DC are grown up, even then?!

Why tell him if you are going on a date? He isn't your DH anymore. He therefore can no longer object to you going out on your child free weekends. He certainly wasn't straight with you about what he was getting up to with OW until he eventually admitted he had moved back in with her.
Don't allow him to control you. You are entitled to your own social life just like he is.

Wow! It really sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants to have his life with OW, but keep you locked away, single in case some day he decides (again) that he wants you back, and then changes his mind (again). It's great that he's a good Dad, and that you co- parent well together normally, but he's being utterly unreasonable to you!! I wonder if some mediation might help?

He's attempting (and succeeding) to control you even though you're not together. Refusing to bring the kids home because you mentioned going on a date is ridiculous. Are you going to live the rest of your life like this? It's time to put some distance between you. You can co-parent without having to text and speak daily.

Pressed post too soon.

The answer to your thread is no you will never be free while you are letting him dictate how you live your life. You need to toughen up. It's fine for him to have a live in girlfriend but you can't even go on a date? He's clearly trying to keep you hanging in case he changes his mind again. Cut down on the contact, don't give him any information about your personal life. It's not his concern anymore. And if he tries playing any silly games where the children are concerned then consider getting some legal advice. This is the last bit of control he has over you and he is obviously willing to abuse it. You are daft if you let this continue

You still both seem way too involved in each other's lives. You don't need to tell him you're going on dates. It's not lying, it's just none of his business. I have a great co parenting relationship with my ex but I don't discuss my private life with him.

He is being controlling. You need to stop texting and speaking so much, it's unnecessary.

Oh, and he's not a brilliant dad by the way. He used your children as weapons, threatening not to bring them back unless you "behave". Brilliant dads don't pull those kind of stunts.

Wtf! Stop apologising to the daft twat!

He wants his cake and eat it and you're letting him.

Tell him from now on that contact is about the children only. Stop telling him what you're doing with your free time and get court ordered access sorted out... And maintenance if he doesn't already pay it.

He doesn't get to dictate to you anymore.

Stop telling how you are living your life immediately. He has no right to know. Date as much as you like, it’s absolutely none of his business. Go and have fun. You deserve it .

Yes yes to all you have said! He is having his cake and eating it, and does want me to stay single. One of the reasons I actually tried to date is because he and others were saying I must be still in love with him as I've stayed single for so many years. I'm not still in love with him. And I didn't want to date when I was pregnant / had a babe in arms!

I do want to be friends with him. Aside from this we get on well, we can chat about our lives - well, I chat to him about work etc, we mainly talk about the DC. I told him I was going on a date as he facetimed me that night so I could see DC while they were at his, so he could see I was getting ready to go out and asked where I was off to. So I just told him.

Maybe we do need more distance. He's always rang a couple of times a day to see how we are, texts throughout the day at weekends and morning and evening on school days. We always send one another pictures of what we've been up to with DC. We always ring if there are any problems. If they're playing me up horribly I know I can ring him for support. He helps me out by coming to pick them up from school if I'm snowed under with work on the odd occassion. This is all so good - but I feel that to keep this good relationship I need to not do anything to upset him. And I do feel quite controlled by that.

@ladybirdhotairballoon if you want to break the cycle you have to create some distance. The level of communication you describe isn't normal. You're still relying on him too much and giving him too much of your time. Being 'friends' isn't going to work because he's still telling you he wants you back and controlling you. So for a while it's best to reduce contact and keep it strictly about the kids.

I get the fear of upsetting him. I had that with my ex. You think that if you rock the boat then it'll be worse for the kids and the cushty arrangements you currently have will be over. Well news flash....they are your kids as well as his and if he's willing to use them as weapons to control you then you get a court order in place. You are letting him rule your life and if you don't change things then nothing will improve and you'll always be on your own.

@Waxonwaxoff0 that's brilliant that you can do that without getting involved in one anothers lives. I'm not involved in my ex's life, I don't really want to know what he's up to. But he knows most about what I get up to, whether I'm with the DC or not.

I know what you mean about him not being a brilliant dad. He is in so many ways but he can use them as weapons. And that scares me silly, so he wins every time. I really struggle when I'm not with them. And trying to find my own life was part of me trying to deal with that.

@titsmcghee27 thank you. I know you're right and that's the problem , i really don't want to rock the boat. I'm pleased we've managed to sort out contact the way we have without involving solicitors or court. He pays maintenance now, we're flexible in that he can have them more if I've got extra work on or vice versa. And I don't want to lose that!

I'm pretty isolated, I don't have family around, so the only person who can help me out with childcare is him.

You cannot move forward if you still allow him to weave himself into every moment of your life like this. Friends don't treat each other the way he treated you. And treats you, because he's still being controlling.

You're holding onto the past. Moving forward means letting go of him. It's really not healthy. And you're not going to develop the courage to stand up to his controlling tactics as long as you're desperate to still hold onto some form of relationship with him, even if now you're only focusing on "friends".

You really, really need to think about how you reduce your isolation. It makes you too easy to control.

That level of involvement is how couples operate imo.

You operate as 2 single camps now and of course communicate about the children but not several times a day. My god I didn't even do that when I was with ex.

What happens when you have the kids is up to you and vice Versa.

If your going out. You are going out with friends. He has no right to any other Information. Time to put some boundaries in place. And untangle yourself from his hold.

In a similar situation myself OP. My ex treated me so badly that in the end I walked away for good. We have a 1 year old together and I vowed before she was born I wouldn’t subject her to his treatment. I have stuck by that and my ex has never met her (his choice really).

He has begged to come back so many times I’ve lost count but he only wants to be a part of our daughters life if we are together which I find beyond fucked up.

I posted a photo of the baby, my DP and I a few months ago and it sent him into a rage. He has multiple women on the go and he still feels he has the right to control my life.

In your situation I’d suggest dialling back the communication as it seems too much. I changed all of my numbers and blocked my ex everywhere. He contacts me via email frequently but I choose to mostly delete without reading. Try and go as low contact as you can, it really helps.

Do you want to be free?

@unicornsarereal72 thank you... very interesting things to think about there. You're right, it is like couples are involved. He's just text to say goodnight love you all, as he does every night. I don't respond to the love yous but on the phone I do say 'we love you too.' Which we do. And I do love him, and care for him, he's the father of my children and I wouldn't have them if it wasn't for him. But I'm not in love with him, I'm definitely not even attracted to him any more. And I had a great time on my date, even though it didn't work out that I'm going to see him again, I have a few other potential dates with others lined up. But actually being out and dressed up and having dinner with a man was so nice after all these years!

@JewelleryQuarter that is absolutely fucked up that he's only interested in your daughter if he can have you too. A few people close to me who knew me and my ex thought he'd be the same and he'd lose interest in our DC if I wouldn't go back to him (and let him cheat on me etc as he mostly did in our relationship) But he hasn't lost interest and I am sure he loves them so I'm grateful for that. Good for you for being able to move on with someone else. Even after all this time I'm not sure I can.. dating is one thing, a relationship is still pretty scary though!

@ohwheniknow I meant to tag you in my last reply too, where I was talking about how I feel about him. It's such a strange situation. I don't want a romantic relationship with him, and if we didn't have children together then I would obviously have nothing to do with him. I've said that to him on a number of occassions but he doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm still in love with him. I'm not. But I do love him and care for him. But I'm also glad he left me for OW, it was the most painful and also the best thing that could have happened to me. See, a totally bizarre mixture of feelings!

OP - my ex is mental. He’s hacked all of my SM accounts including mumsnet, posted as me, it was quite scary. Think he has had some sort of breakdown as his violent tendencies have got worse.

DP and I have had a rough road and I’m not sure we are really out of it. My ex DP won’t even entertain talking about adoption so he’s happy to pay maintenance (it’s a lot as he is a high earner) for a child he has never met or will never meet. He’s hoping I’ll forgive and forget as I have done for so many years. It’s hard to have a relationship when your ex is that much of a psycho so I sympathise on the new relationship front. Glad to hear your ex is a great dad too

Go on dates. Go on lots of dates. He’s living with another woman for Christ’s sakes! Stop sending “we love you” messages. That all has to stop. He doesn’t get to control you anymore. He doesn’t get to know what you are doing. These nighttime texts aren’t necessary. Has there ever been a need for a “kids aren’t sleeping well can you come and get them now” text? No. So what’s the point and it’s just causes an unnecessary reliance and expectation. You have a general rule that you both assume everything is fine unless you hear otherwise. You are separated but he’s acting like you are still married. He’s going to try and come back the moment this woman stops giving him what he wants. Start not needing him. Find yourself a couple of good babysitters that you can use. You have to get to the point where he’s just the kids dad. I hope you have lots of fun on your dates

dont tell him anything
do you have a formal child agreement in place?