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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex with untreated MH problems pushing for unsupervised contact

14 replies

Treesinthewind · 24/11/2019 18:31

Hi everyone,
Have posted about this before but could really do with some advice about next steps.
My ex has had a series of breakdowns since June, all involving delusions and paranoia to various degrees. Both police and mental health professionals have been concerned enough to ask for mental health assessment and have talked about him needing to be on anti-psychotics and get help from Early Intervention in Psychosis team.

Unfortunately he seems to have never reached the threshold needed to be hospitalised and get the help he really needs and the nature of his paranoia and delusions means he won’t admit he has a problem or seek help.

His last breakdown was in September and involved him going missing. He isn’t manic anymore but still has delusions that I am spying on him and part of a conspiracy.
I moved out with our 3 year old and we’re now living with my parents. Ex is having supervised contact (by me or family) twice a week, which is exhausting as he is difficult at the best of times. All professionals involved have said I am doing the right thing for DS but need to go to court to get anything official in place. So they will tell me unofficially to keep doing what I’m doing but can’t put it in writing.

To add to this, it was not a healthy relationship. Ex is manipulative, coercive etc and I’m so happy to be out but sometimes end up regretting leaving because I’m so worried about aggravating him and him taking DS. I am concerned that he is able to manipulate healthcare professionals. He’s told me that his GP has said she will call social services to advocate him having unsupervised access unless I let him have DS overnight. I called his bluff on this and said that was fine, but we’re all scared that he’s going to turn up demanding access. I’m still under his grip a bit and find it very hard to disagree with him after years of walking on eggshells.

Should I get a solicitor? Keep refusing unsupervised contact and wait till he takes me to court?

Also looking for handhold and support as this is exhausting!

OP posts:
Treesinthewind · 24/11/2019 22:18

Anyone? Even if you can’t address the mental health bit..

OP posts:
Thehop · 24/11/2019 22:21

I’d wait until he takes you to court.

Don’t offer anything.

Louise91417 · 24/11/2019 22:25

My ex had serious mh problems along with alcohol/drug problems. He went to gp but i think this not for genuine help but because dla was due for renewal. He was any extremely spiteful i dividual. Anyway, i suspended contact, consulted a solicitor and waited for ex to make next move. He never bothered. If you ex wants contact and doesnt like your terms he has to take you to court.

Hadalifeonce · 24/11/2019 22:25

I have absolutely no experience in a situation such as this, and can't imagine the strength you must have had to be able to leave an abusive situation, well done, I do have a little 2nd hand experience of coercive control, and know it can be tough to be free.

In you situation, I would certainly contact a solicitor about contact, you might be able to telephone and get advice about whether you really need one.

Keep strong OP, you are doing the best thing for your child, and yourself.

Heartburn888 · 25/11/2019 00:26

I have no experience in this either but I can’t imagine a gp would ring social services and encourage unsupervised contact for a person who has been recommended to take anti psychotic medication and the other things you’ve mentioned.

I’d keep the contact as you are doing but maybe take yourself out of the equation if you can and have contact supervised by family or at a contact centre of it is causing you a lot of distress?

Treesinthewind · 16/12/2019 12:34

Thank you everyone. I spoke to his GP and, although they couldn't tell me anything because of confidentiality, they did say not to allow him unsupervised contact.

I've since found out that he's registered at a new GP and they can't give me any more information than that, so now I have no way to pass on information about his mental state to his medical team.

He's relatively functional at the minute, but won't really talk to me except for one or two word answers, so I can't tell if he is still delusional.

I've made an appointment with a family solicitor for after Christmas.

Unfortunately he doesn't have any family in the UK who can supervise, and we can't use a contact centre without court involvement, so it's all falling on me and my parents, which is exhausting and stressful.

It also means my parents are concerned about me and my son getting our own flat and not living with them, as we have no idea how mentally well or unwell my ex is.

OP posts:
MotherOfFiveCats · 16/12/2019 13:25

Op if you have concerns your ex will attempt to snatch DS you need to go to court ASAP to get an order stating that DS lives with you, as without this you may struggle to get DS returned to you if ex also has PR - the police won’t intervene without a court order unless DS is seen to be at imminent risk of serious harm.

Treesinthewind · 16/12/2019 15:17

Thank you @MotherOfFiveCats. He hasn't shown any signs that he is going to attempt to take him. He seems to be going along with supervised visits but had been repeatedly asking by text to take son on a day out.

Would he not need to agree to a court order stating that DS lives with me?

OP posts:
Treesinthewind · 16/12/2019 15:17

I'm worried about aggravating him or rocking the boat by initiating things with the courts.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/12/2019 15:23

You need this to go through court.

Don't worry about 'aggravating' your ex.

You've got to put your DS's best interests first here; and that includes keeping him safe.

Would he not need to agree to a court order stating that DS lives with me?

It's not up to him to 'agree' or not; he has to follow the court's ruling.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2019 15:29

Fuck aggravating him.
Protect yourself and mostly your DS!!!!
Take this through court to get access only via a contact centre.

Embracelife · 16/12/2019 15:30

You can still write to his New gp and provide information

Embracelife · 16/12/2019 15:32

Apply to court for a child arrangement order
It s the only way to get everything out in the open

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