My cries for help have fallen on deaf ears... what now?

[Shoopadedoo]

Without going into huge detail,I have been struggling in my relationship with DH. We have 2 young children. Mainly due to his attitude as opposed to me not coping with the children when he's not around. He seems to assume that the role of parenting falls to me and I'm here to facilitate his many hobbies etc.
On talking to him I'm met with a stubborn,dismissive and apathetic attitude. It had killed my love for him.
I finally confided in my own parents after months of struggling and I told them I am thinking of leaving him. I have asked for practical and emotional help. The first thing they offered was to speak to DH about the seriousness of the situation and to try to get him to see differently. All sounds great.
However, my parents are avid false promisers and heavy drinkers and have not had the talk with DH. They also can not take me and the children in since they downsized to a 1 bedroom property and are completely unhealthy people to live with anyway. I was hoping a gentle, concerned chat may help. The chat will never happen and I have been living on a dream.

I have since finally spoken to DHs parents after months of wanting to pluck up the courage. I have been told that they will not get involved and that DH deserves his down time. It was a completely wasted effort. I told them I am considering separation and I was told to go out more to feel better about the situation.
I am too frazzled to go out more and have been wading along with a health condition that has caused me to feel more exhausted than normal.
I have been in counselling for a few months which has helped but I can only afford 1 session a month. My counsellor thinks DH is extremely selfish for some of the things he has done and his attitude towards me as a mum to his children.
I have moved to a new area since having the children. DH has kept his friends whilst mine changed through changes in work since DCs, my social life and location so I don't have many friends at all.
I literally have nobody to support me through this. What do I do now? I am planning to separate and I am beginning to get my ducks in a row but I have no support at all. I am concerned for my mental health. At times I've felt suicidal with loneliness, my DCs obviously keep me going but I am concerned for myself. I feel like I must be a terrible person to have nobody around me to support me through this.
I go to work part-time and care for my children who both have additional health needs so I am trying my best. I have made more effort to go out with friends, but a night on the town just doesn't do it for me anymore and I realise these friendships are not deep routed enough to help me through this.
Where can I get more support? I have visited a solicitor etc already so I know where I stand financially. I just feel so alone in all of this.

It sounds the benefit of separating would also be that DH would have kids half the time and you would get more me-time to focus on your mental health as well as finding a new social circle?

You sound like you're really struggling. There's an organisation called Saneline (4:30-10pm) who have trained people who can speak to you if you are feeling suicidal or the Samaritans. Don't feel awkward about calling them, as that's what they are there for. Sometimes just venting really helps and, as you talk, you can kind of listen to yourself and work out your own solutions (if that makes sense).

I don't know what resources are available in your area regarding mental health resources but it does sound as though you need more support than you currently have. Have you seen your GP? That would be my first port of call. You can also self refer through the NHS.

There is an organisation called Anxiety UK who have cheap therapy which you can access online at a reduced rate if you are earning under a certain amount. They also offer hypnotherapy and other forms of therapy.

Have you tried Gingerbread? They have a specialist helpline for single parents and they also have support groups for single parents. It might be worth giving them a ring to ask about benefits, child maintenance, contact arrangements, help with legal fees etc Their website is very good and has lots of useful organisations and factsheets.

Have you put yourself on the waiting list to be housed by the council?
I think probably best to concentrate on how to sort yourself out practically. Its hurtful that everyone youve turned to, has not taken yo seriously. It seems like youve been crying out to try and get help to make things work before they got to this stage, but noone was interested, so the only thing left to do is to sort yourself out.
I wish you all the best for it. x

Contact Women's Aid. They will give you good advice and support.

It sounds the benefit of separating would also be that DH would have kids half the time
He doesn’t look after the children now, I can’t see him jumping for 50/50 custody as it would impede his precious “down time” surely. Weekend Disney Dad more like.

I don’t have advise OP as I’ve never been in your situation, but you sound strong, you’re coping on your own anyway and at least you won’t have an extra person to look after once you split.

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice. I have a few points of contact now that I didn't have before.

I would love to expand my social circle. I have made a lot of mum friends through groups and my child's nursery but it never seems to morph passed seeing each other at the groups. They seem to know so many other people already and have big sicial circles I'm not sure people in my area have much time for me. I'm actually really outgoing and speak to everyone at the groups I attend, but I'm close to nobody. I was hoping DH would help me build social groups through his friends but he seems to enjoy hobbies with the men only. The other men in his social circle socialise as couples but we never get invited along. Maybe DH is embarrassed of me or something.

I also don't feel like much fun to be around as I'm so stressed with everything going on at home. Inlaws telling me to "go out yourself" is so much easier said than done. I drove to a Christmas event this weekend and then sat in my car alone watching groups of friends, husbands and wives get out of their cars and felt an idiot going alone. I turned around and headed back out of the carpark.

@Shoopadedoo - your description of the trip to the Xmas event was very poignant. Sorry that you're having such a hard time. But please do be aware that this is temporary even though it seems like a terrible grind right now. You may not realise this but you're doing an amazing job supporting your children and keeping family going despite your DH's neglect, your parents' inability to help and your ILs' indifference. You say your children are young – in terms of the physical demands on you things will get easier because older children can do more for themselves and require less looking after and there'll be a greater number of things you can all do together as natural companions. Please do reach out to the agencies which people have suggested. Also, you're clearly someone who can and does make friends. You say that none of your current friendships are deep rooted enough to get you through this but have you tried reaching out? And/or do you have work colleagues you could talk to? You might be pleasantly surprised. You say you're really outgoing and I can imagine you put a brave face on and your local friends may just assume you have everything under control. But what I mainly wanted to say was that – you're clearly a strong woman with a clear vision of the fulfilled and supportive life she wants for herself and her DC. That makes you a very good mother. Things are very difficult now and it may take a while but you will get to a happier place, with established friendships and, very likely, a partner who supports you properly, and this will all be behind you. Good luck and may 2020 be your year!

@Dery so much positivity in your post. Thank you! I could reach out more, I just don't want to become a burden.
I work alone unfortunately so can't lean on work colleagues as we only meet once a month, I have wondered whether to look for other work to help me feel less lonely.
I have reached out to a friend recently who keeps letting me down whenever we make plans so this isn't doing a lot for my confidence. As I reflect, I think i have made some friends who are similar to my parents in the past (unreliable, untrustworthy, disloyal) through habit and low self esteem. I am trying to break the cycle but maybe I have to experience a period of loneliness whilst in the middle of letting old friendships die off, whilst trying to ignite better more solid friendships.

Which area are you based OP? Your post really resonated with me as I’m in a similar position with friendships. Extremely lonely. I would have loved to go to that Christmas event with you!

So sorry you are going through this. Did your in laws offer to look after dcs while you go out? If so take up the offer. Get your social life in order then you might feel a little less stressed. Or just seek out so your dh has no choice but to take care for dcs. Put the pressure on him for a change.

Does he come in has his tea and leaves for his hobby? I'd be waiting for that and tell him as he comes in he's to make the tea for the kids and himself as your off out and do it. Even if its to the cinema or round the block in the car.

Would he care if you split. Would he care if you downed tools and did nowt for him at all.

how would he feel having the kids EOW and maybe one day a week for tea if separated. Would he step up and do so or would he refuse to have them at all.

It was brave of you to reach out to both your and his parents. It takes a lot to admit that you're struggling in your marriage - I know because I did exactly the same and like you my plea fell on deaf ears. I am now divorced and bringing my 2 dc up singlehandedly. My ex started off as disney dad then gradually faded out the picture. But my life now is easier than before. It's incredible how much energy is drained by a partner who doesn't pull their own weight or support you but expects you to facilitate their carefree life.

He takes all your mental energy. The same amount of work is much more draining if you feel that you are picking up someone else's slack rather than it all just being your work.

So, when you don't live with him you will probably find that before terribly long you will find you have loads more energy despite theoretically having more on your shoulders.

It's good that you see you don't have healthy friendships right now. When you are separated, getting a more social job or some hobbies yourself could be a godsend. With the drag of him gone you can find and build solid friendships.

I can see where your H gets his shit attitude from, his mother sounds like a complete doormat who does everything for the men in the family - ghastly.
You will find once you are out of this shit and draining relationship you will feel much better and will have the energy to make new friends and get a life. The children will not be young for long. Enjoy them when they are little, join some mummy groups and take things slowly.
I did a divorce on my own with a young child and no friends or family years ago and it was a massive relief just getting away from the source of my anxiety.
Don't think about having no friends, just take one step at a time.

Your husband seems like a child in terms of maturity. You on the other hand seem like a very strong and mature human being .
Unfortunately you are in a very difficult situation at present but that will not be forever
Take it one step at a time and change what you can
You dont need selfish people.As for friendship you cannot push it ..good friends will turn up with time.
Get as much support as you can from the support groups mentioned, believe that you can come through this and slowly your situation will change

This is a dreadful situation, but as others have said, it will pass.

Please see your GP about your mental health. The situation would get on top of anyone. It's worth trying medication, and they might have some counselling available. The sooner you nip mental health problems in the bud, the easier they are to treat. Hugs xxxxx