Lost and don't know what to do

[crossroadsmum]

I dont even know where to start. There is so much so i am going to try and just add a few bits.

I have NC'd but did post under this username with an issue with my DP and dd. I got a lot of good advice and hope to have some more.

I have been with DP for about 7 years. No dc together, he has 2 with his ex and I have 3.

He works very hard. But he does nothing at home. And I mean nothing unless it is for his benefit. I do everything. I am behind with my postgraduate course as I do everything. I am trying to work part time as I took out payday loans last year to help pay bills and am now desperately in debt. Dp doesn't know about these (they were my bills and I had used some of my salary to help my dd out as dp had said no). One of my DC has just been diagnosed with autism and is struggling with gender dysphoria. I get calls most days from school and can't speak to DP as he just gets cross with my child, or me. I have come up with a gender neutral nickname at home for DC while we work through all the issues. DC gets really upset if anyone uses their birth name, but DP refuses as he "doesn't believe in all this gender bullshit" my child gets upset and the name is something similar to "peanut" so a totally normal family nickname and wouldn't be "pandering" to anything.

The day before I took dd to start uni, I spent the day running around and left clearing the kitchen (I just couldn't face it). I came home from leaving my baby girl at uni in pieces and he hadn't cleared up or done anything. I'm not even sure he had spoken to my two teenagers still at home.

Last night I sat eating dinner on my own as he was finishing off on his game (he is a gamer too). Every night I have to sit waiting for him when I put dinner on the

I dont want to be with this man any more. I'm not wrong am I? And how do I tell him? Luckily when he moved in my landlady wouldn't let me change the tenancy to add him in case it went wrong so the tenancy is in my name only, and I love my landlady.

Please can you help me formulate a plan? And any ideas for raising as much money as I can to help ease the passage. Thank you all so so much.

Can I just add....there is so so much more but I would be writing a book. He is very good at twisting arguments so that he comes out on top and makes me wonder if I am going mad.

He can't argue against the fact that this just isn't working for you. You aren't happy being with him.

Plus he's a knob xD

Quick money? Sell stuff you don't use on eBay. You could also take on a couple of (home) cleaning jobs - few hours per week, you can charge a tenner an hour, good way to save up. Plus you can usually fit them around your own schedule.

You can handle it, youve been doing so much on your own as is. At least with him gone it's less ...hard work to worry about xD

Obviously the first thing you do is check what you're entitled to as a single parent. If you need help with debts, speak to someone about that (there are organisations out there).
As for how do you tell him..... just tell him straight. You don't owe this man anything, he's done nothing for you by the sounds of it. He's a selfish arsehole who makes your child feel bad. That is reason alone to get rid of him.

Pinkbonbon thank you so much for your reply. You have made me cry. I have been through so so much, left a DV relationship (DC dad) and was on my own for so long. I really thought that DP was my soulmate. But he is emotionally manipulative and I am anxious all of the time waiting for the next thing that I do that doesn't fit in with his idea of this relationship.

Last week he got cross with me as he felt I was giving too much attention to the kids rather than him.

Cleaning job is an excellent idea. I will start advertising tomorrow. I dont have much left to sell on ebay as I have been selling just to manage my debts. I have repayment plans with them now so that should be easier.

Thank you for your kind words.

I wrote my initial thread not knowing what to do, in tears on the kitchen floor as I am trying to get everything done listening to him on his game. By the end of the message I knew what I wanted just dont know how.....

crappyday2018 thank you. I believe I will be on UC as dd is no longer my dependant. So that is worrying...but I will cope.

Thank you. Your words are helping me find my strength that I know I have. Just have to find it.

Oh link to my previous post just for a bit more background www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3642525-Am-I-wrong-or-was-DP

You can do this OP. He doesn't get to treat you like this, you deserve so much better. You've already gotten rid of one abusive arsehole so you can do it again. Your children deserve a happy mum.

Crossroads, you’ll find life soooo much easier without a man like that. Less messy, less greedy, less time wasting. Less stress all round. Get rid of him before Xmas and then you can relax.
You sound resourceful and like you’ll bounce back without a problem. I love your landlady too. What a perceptive person. Good luck x

You’ll feel a million times better once he’s gone.

Yes I agree with all of the above. He can manipulate - but so can you. Make it all about him (hide your clenched teeth) and ask when you can talk together. Lie to achieve your aim. For example:

“I feel like it’s not working for us as a couple any more and i understand how difficult it must be for you to have my children around and how much of my time they take up. It doesn’t leave much time for us to have a relationship. I know that’s unfair on you and it’s not going to get any easier as little Johnny is autistic. I don’t want to be selfish so I’m thinking I’m the fairest thing to you is for us to call it a day and go out separate ways. I want you to be happy and I know you’re not. I appreciate all the effort youve made but I know it’s unreasonable of me to keep you here when you could be happier away from my turbulent life with someone who doesn’t have kids and has real time to share with you and make you happy”.

He should react either to say

1. Yeah it has been difficult. Are you sure. To which you say. “Yes, I’ve thought long and hard and this is the fairest thing I can do for you to be happy”. To which he will nod his head and you can suggest he look at the flats to rent. Retire to a safe distance and dance secretly in delight... Or 2) he realises his cushy life is about to end, panics and tries to twist things to make you keep him. “Why are you saying this. I don’t want to split up. How can you think that. I love you” to which you reply “that’s kind of you to say. But I really do mean it. I don’t want to hold you back with my life of drama with the kids. I really don’t. I really do feel it would be best to split up. I’m so tired and frustrated these days that I don’t want to inflict that on you. I really do think it’s best that we split up.” Rinse repeat if required.

For the hard of thinking, I don’t believe any of the above, he’s an ignorant lazy fucker who needs to go, but if flattery keeps him calm and achieves the goal....!

I like Eliezas approach. He sounds similar to my DH, who always twists everything so I end up feeling to blame for his actions and like what he did was totally reasonable and how dare I complain and make him feel guilty when he's just doing his best for everyone. It makes it impossible to talk to him about anything. I wanted to separate earlier in the year and he talked me out of it. I always try to justify and get him to understand and there's no point. He's DC father so Eliezas idea won't work. When I'm ready I think it'll just have to be a straight out that I want to separate. If I raise any reasons he'll concentrate on picking those apart and making me feel horrible. He'll never let himself consider the effect of his actions on you.
He'll never understand and there's no point trying to justify how you feel. All he needs to know is the relationship is over.

can you get the council tax single person discount when he moves out. hope he was paying towards the bills and food when he was with you.

Hi all thank you so so much for your replies. I know I kind of answered my own question in my first post but it has been so useful to hear your advice and experiences.

I have been starting to put things into place today to get the ball rolling. I feel relieved to have made this decision but not looking forward to the conversation. Thank you for the advice on how to manage that it is a very good idea !

Enough needs to be him telling you that you can't help your child. Enough needs to be him refusing to accept your son's current reality.

Tell him to fuck along.

Tell him to fuck along

Yes, you are right. You all are. I am starting to put things together to put things in place to tell him to go.

Thank you all.